Energy Healing, Old Acquaintances, and To Share, Or Not To Share?

It’s been a long time since I had a good, old sit-down in front of the camera. If you’re mainly interested in the energy work, skip ahead to 8:20. Mind you, this isn’t so much a tutorial, but rather a description of what I do. I plan to break it down a bit more in the future, but I realized as I was riffing this one out (as I always do) that I’d never gone over what my energy work entails.

So here ya go.

I also go over how things have been going for me, in general, lately.

As always, I bid you peace and love.

Jupiter and Saturn and COVID-19

Just a few urgently-felt thoughts I needed to get out today, and I couldn’t fit in a TikTok (though I tried!) I talk about how the upcoming conjunction is squeezing all of us, and I also talk about the big news of the day with the FDA approval to Pfizer. What?!

I don’t really dish on Lightworkers or Shadoworkers—but I make clear my own placement on the spectrum.

As always, I wish you love and peace~

Vloggy Vlog: Purple Tier Panic!

I filmed this terrible video on my phone immediately after getting one of those emergency broadcast alerts (you know, with the siren sound?) telling me that our entire area has just been put on Purple Tier Status, the strictest we’ve had, due to the recent spike in COVID-19 cases in the USA over the last few days.

It managed to trigger my anxiety response, so I decided to share it with you. Aren’t you lucky?! I DO hope you and your loved ones are safe and healthy. I do hope you’ve been managing during this difficult time and not going stir crazy being cooped-up for so long.

We always have each other, you know. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need to vent or chat, or if you’d like a simple reading to get a handle on what’s in store for you.

As always, I wish you peace~

Where Has the Year Gone?


Adages exist for a reason, I suppose, but this is ridiculous. I’ve been under lockdown since early March, and here it is, nearly mid-November…

I tend to be somewhat of a shut-in, anyway, but my daughter turned to me this morning and announced the simple fact that it would be her birthday in a few days, and while I knew this was true and had been making plans to cook her a nice breakfast that day (scratch waffles and chicken-apple sausages with fresh coffee and tea for the curious) I was caught short for a moment and had to look at the year.

I started up this blog right about the time our lockdown started, just to give myself some goals and deadline to think of. At first, I kept to them, but of course my illness and chronic pain have given me many lapses, and I’m okay with that. It’s still been nice to have goals and things to do.

Like transferring this blog over to a new provider. I like Squarespace much better than WordPress and that surprises me. I never thought that would be the case. But here we are.

I also restarted my YouTube Channel, which I have a love/hate relationship with. It’s supposed to be about getting views, right? And I don’t really get that many views, even thought I have all the keywords, and I have a custom end screen, and I do info cards, and all the tips and stuff. The only thing I don’t do it the one thing that YouTube says it wants, which is a regular upload schedule.

But that’s kind of a lie, too. I don’t have an engaging enough personality and a cute enough face or something—there are adorable young creators, and even adorable old creators on there that get rather huge followings…

So I have to just tell myself I’m doing it for myself, and be satisfied with that. Maybe.


Hell, even doing this blog doesn’t net me much attention. I have a very small mailing list that I’ve been managing through MailChimp, which I’m going to switch over to Squarespace as well, but I seldom get any opens, much less any reads, even from my family. So, there’s that.

My brother mentioned he wanted to move his website over to Squarespace, and I told him I could help him with that, but he said he wanted this friend of his to do it, because she’s a professional graphic designer. It’s as if he’s forgotten what I did for 20 years. Or he didn’t think much of my work at the time. It’s…strange.

I get the same reaction when it comes to my music. I tell people I know about my album, and for some reason they just kind of go, “Hey, good for you.” It’s the equivalent of a nice pat on the head. Like, “look at you doing a sweet hobby like that—and you even published it! How brave!

Frankly, it’s insulting as fuck. Why do people always think so little of me? Is it my modesty? Do I have to brag, and brag, and brag, just to get people to sit up and pay attention? Maybe I need to start putting out press releases and shit. I just don’t really know how to do PR—I never did. I did the graphic design part of marketing, and copywriting. I didn’t do the PR part…UGH!

CLEARLY this has been to my detriment. I guess I need to fix this.

Shadow Work for Healing and Integration


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I’ve uploaded another video where I discuss some of my latest shadow work having to do with my early childhood trauma. This deep and basic wounding has been holding me back my entire life, but it’s taken the death of my mother for me to be able to fully address it—which, sadly, I knew it would.

This is dark work, but it’s incredibly healing and enlightening, as all true shadow work inevitably is. I hope you take the time to watch the video and glean something good from it, as that’s what I intended when I recorded it for you. Buckle up, as it’s a long one. I didn’t want to edit it down this time, even though I was sorely tempted to do so, as all the information is valuable.

I do discuss triggering topics, so there’s that. Also, I go into the topic of suicide, so if you or a loved one is contemplating self harm, please know there’s always the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK. They’re available 24/7, so you are never alone.

Please share your thoughts in the comments, either here or in the video. I always want to hear from you and know how my work is helping you. I also want to encourage you to join me over at my Patreon so you can access my Discord. I’m building a community over there so we can create music, art and togetherness, and also discuss what we have in common, whether it be struggles with shadow work, spirituality, or just the struggles we’re all feeling through COVID and isolation.

As always, I bid you peace and love.

Time to Do A Little Catching Up


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Don’t let those doe eyes and that cheeky smile fool you

I realize I haven’t been around much lately, especially on my YouTube Channel, so I’ve recorded a vloggy vlog to let you know how things have been going lately. Hope you’ve been well. Check it out and leave a note in the comments to let me know you you’ve been. I think all of us are struggling with some kind of COVID blues at this point, so if you’re going stir-crazy, let’s talk about it.

I’ve not been doing terribly well. Don’t let that delightful face up there fool you—I’ve been in a deep depression since my mom died. But I’m dealing with it. I’m doing all the thinking and processing of grief that one is supposed to be doing, in my own special, albeit dark and seemingly bleak manner. I tend to hit these things head-on and then drown in them, spiritually, and if you were too see me in the spirit realm, all you’d see is one hand, flailing around above the waters of terrordarkness and every now and then my head would pop up, gasping for air, and I’d gurgle, “I’m okay!”, before sort of slowly sinking back down into the swampiness.

It’s so much fun.

But needful, I daresay.

Please join my Patreon so we can chat about all these distressing times on my Discord. We’ve got a blossoming community over there and it’s the perfect place you make your voice heard.

As always, I bid you love and peace.

Time to Do A Little Catching Up

I realize I haven’t been around much lately, especially on my YouTube Channel, so I recording a vloggy vlog to let you know how things have been going lately. Hope you’ve been well. Check it out and leave a note in the comments to let me know you you’ve been.

A Treatise on The Wonder That Is Poppy (The Musician, Not the Flower)


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This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for some time, but it’s actually great that I’ve waited, because this incredible woman has changed so much over time this post can be a much more interesting journey than it would have been initially.

I haven’t talked about other people’s music on here yet, though I used to do that a lot on my original “auryaun” blog. If you aren’t familiar yet with Poppy, grab your favorite beverage and sit back for a bit, because this is going to be a wonderful and strange ride. There will be plenty of video links as well, so buckle-up!

The Beginning

Poppy started out as “That Poppy” when I came to know her online around 2014 on YouTube. Spending hours and hours on YouTube finding various rabbit holes to go down has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I’d have to say the era between 2010–2015 was the best time to do so, as the algorithm gave the wackiest recommendations back then. Now, it seems to be pretty rigid unless you’re rigorous about deleting your watch history.

Her first video was just Poppy saying her name, over and over again in a video titled, I’m Poppy. She and her creative partner, Titanic Sinclair (we’ll get into him a bit later) hadn’t quite found the right voice for her yet. This one has over 25M views so far. Enjoy, if you can stand to watch the whole thing.

Her original Channel, That Poppy no longer exists. VEVO has ThatPoppyVEVO with a handful of videos, but all of her original videos are on her Poppy Channel. Note the difference between the sweet face you see before you and creepy profile pic above. This post will cover that as well.

Her Channel evolved into a huge series of short videos of her interacting with the camera or the space of the studio, or sometimes a plant, another version of herself, or a mannequin named Charlotte, with Poppy always speaking in a very soft voice (ASMR anyone? No? Just me?) with eerie keyboard music playing in the background. Her costumes tended to Kawaii, which is the Japanese culture of cuteness, which over time became exaggerated regarding her clothing choices, as if to suggest she was more Kawaii than Kawaii itself. The scripts were also satirical in nature when it came to current cultural trends, especially in terms of our obsession with fame and money, or the commercialization of pop artists.

You get the idea. The main conceit behind all of this was to suggest that Poppy wasn’t a real person but rather a being generated out of the internet. In interviews, she would dodge questions that would attempt to get her to answer as if she were “real”.

Her Partner: Titanic Sinclair

Now let’s switch gears for a moment and take a look at Titanic Sinclair. He used to be part of a musical group known as Mars Argo, and had a site/Channel known as GroceryBagDotTV. As of now, it looks like Mars Argo, Sinclair’s former girlfriend whose name they used for the project, has several videos there, but there used to be hundreds of them. GroceryBagDotTVTest exists but there are only three videos left. Not sure if that’s being run by Sinclair himself. Let’s take a peekie at what’s on the latter, shall we?

Delete Your Facebook is a great video, which is probably why they’ve both decided to leave it up. It’s random and inspired and has a kind of innocence to it. I don’t know at what point their relationship was here—as it apparently devolved into a hateful one later—but here it feels easy and relaxed. The fact that they were seeing issues with Facebook as early as 2014 is pretty eye-opening as well.

Unfortunately, on Titanic Sinclair’s Channel, he’s deleted most of his videos and only has around 6 or 7 at this moment in time. Poo. None of them will show you what I was hoping to show, which is how he was posturing himself in counterpoint to what Poppy was doing at the time, but this makes sense since they’re no longer working together either—another pattern, Sir?—at least you’re consistent I guess.

This video comes the closest. He had a lot of videos like this where he was overdubbing his vocals after the fact and giving advice as a “director”. His videos always began with him saying things like, “Hi. I’m Titanic Sinclair. I’m a Director. As a Director, it’s important that [insert whatever].” His body language was generally more confident than what he’s showing here. It’s also odd that he doesn’t finish his thought but cuts it off, then overdubs and leaves the video up. Very strange.

The Former Partner: Mars Argo

Mars Argo put out a video called Everyone Just Wants It All.It’s been officially deleted, but there are still copies of it around YouTube. Hopefully, the link I found will be solid for a while. It seems that this video was the locus of loads of mocking from both Poppy and Sinclair, with various references coming up in both songs and videos they made together.

The Lawsuit

Mars Argo opened a lawsuit against both Sinclair and Poppy, stating that they had stolen her image and creative work. Things got ugly quickly. What’s most surprising to me is how long it took Argo to file suit in the first place. There appeared to be deliberate references to Mars Argo in Poppy videos and deliberate references to things Mars Argo said in her videos in Poppy videos. This post isn’t going to be about that lawsuit, as that would be a whole post in itself—I want to focus on Poppy’s creative evolution, but in order to do so I do need to at least introduce this as a topic.

Public Accusations

Going back a bit to Sinclair, we have Enough is Enough, which perhaps is his call to the press and former fans and especially Poppy fans that were spewing hate at him, as Poppy had accused him of being an abuser, just as Mars Argo had. There’s no way to know if these allegations are true or if Poppy just used this as a device to distance herself of much of the blame for the problems of the lawsuit. It was during this time that the partnership between Poppy and Sinclair ended.

Oh, and Sinclair also put out a pretty rad video at one point called Trust Fund. I love the unbridled video effects, as if someone just learned how to use [app name] and couldn’t resist using every effect available. The song makes me laugh as well. I think it gives pretty good insight into the inner workings of Sinclair’s mind—along with his choice of name, of course. Plus, he shows his songwriting chops, which you can clearly hear in Poppy’s music as she evolves.

Add to that this compilation of Computer Show videos and you get a fuller picture of Titanic Sinclair and Mars Argo and what they created in the past, and why Mars Argo felt she had a right to file suit against Sinclair and Poppy in the first place.

I’ll leave this here and let you be the judge.The Computer Show was way before its time and sadly ended too soon, apparently due to relationship and money tensions.

Anyway, the suit was settled out of court and all parties agreed to no-contact/no-harassment. Titanic Sinclair was required to delete any incriminating or personal photos he had of Mars Argo, and Poppy had to make sure she wasn’t doing anything that was a mimic of Argo’s identity.

The First Album

Poppy’s first album release was in 2016, with 3:36 Music To Sleep To. The 3:36 references one of her videos called 3:36, where she notices the time on her watch and appears worried about it. However, that video is problematic, because Mars Argo’s video (shown above) was 3:36 minutes long in the original posting. In the lawsuit, Argo felt this was part of the harassment she felt was being put upon her.

Poppy’s Evolution

Poppy’s first pop song started with Interweb, a decent track. It got enough traction to gain her more fans and generate interest to move her away from being a weird YouTube artist to being an actual artist with a greater voice and vision, which I think they’d intended all along. As it has come out in more recent news, Poppy has had multiple recording contracts over the years, but the talent reps hadn’t quite known how to develop her, which caused her a lot of frustration.

From here, she continued to make lots of videos on her Channel, getting weirder by the day. There was a cultish tone to them, which felt intentional and somewhat mocking in tone (more on that in a bit). As far as the next musical release goes, it didn’t come out for months and when it did, we got: Bleach Blonde Baby. Note the similar tone in the lighting. Not sure what they were going for there or why. Again, pretty tame pop fare, but it continued to grow her fan base.

I have to point out that her standard Channel videos by this point had her in outrageous costumes. This one is called Liberty.

She also put out a video for a track called Moshi Moshi.Interweb, Bleach Blonde Baby, and Moshi Moshiare all on her album Poppy.Computer.

And busy bee that she was right at this time she put out a longer video calledI’m Poppy. There’s also a track by that name on her album Poppy.Computer.

All of this was in the Kawaii style that she was owning full-on. I mean, she was owning it.

Right around this time though, the lawsuit hit and accusations were very public and flying. Twitter was full of it. YouTube was full of it. Everyone seemed to be taking a side. I saw many a video trying to suggest a special angle on the whole mess. And it was a huge mess. I saw people saying that Titanic was an abuser. I saw tweets saying he had threatened to kill himself if Poppy didn’t do what he wanted. I saw YouTube comments saying he had made that threat one time before a show. I mean, really nasty stuff.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Her next music video took on a distinctly different tone, and I can’t help but think it was due to the lawsuit. Her team must have been thinking: “How do we rebrand Poppy in such a way that it’s still Poppy while specifically not referencing Mars Argo in any way whatsoever that’s not going to alienate her fan base?”

Well, this is the direction they chose (and note that this is an audio only video). Metal was only ever released as a single. (I recently realized that this is a cover of the Gary Numan song from 1979.)

Wow, that’s a lot of Latex! Definitely not Kawaii, and yet still cute with the Mickey Mouse-ish ears headwear and oversized, bulbous shoulder pads. A very carefully curated look. This track was never developed into an official music video.

Her next official music video would be a work featuring Diplo, of all people. It turns out, he signed her to his record label. Who knew he had a record label? Time Is Up was released on her album Am I A Girl? I have to admit this album is a real mishmash of styles. The production values are superb, and her singing is great, but she’s an artist being given tracks to sing, and that can’t be much fun. There’s a hollowness to the album, and it must have been hard to tour it. It’s funny because sometimes there are these pounding drums and screaming guitar licks, but then other tracks have heavy techno beats. There’s one track that feels like a Spanish love song. Super weird.

The video furthers the idea that Poppy is a computer creation, and also that she holds some sort of high priestess-cult position. All the while, her non-music videos—one example below is called, Pray With Me have also been furthering this idea.

Then there are a series of odd Channel videos, and I went back-and-forth as to whether I should include them, as this post if already long. If you want to check them out, they’re there for you to see. I want to try and focus on the music as much as I can, and I’m adding these extra videos for context.

More Music

Her next music releases are audio-only. I think she was trying to drum up some A&R interest and it just didn’t pan out. Oh, and I heard that Diplo’s “record label” wasn’t a label at all. Poppy got no support, and no promotion. She just got to make that one music video with his help and that was it. Hoo-rah. What a nice guy.

Here’s where she went next, image and style-wise, with Immature Couture. This was only released as a single.

Bubblegum Pop. Not at all to my liking, but an improvement in production values and melody to what she was doing previously. There’s a lot more complexity to the track and you can hear her talent developing.

Next we have X (Audio Only Version) which did get made into a video, found lower in this post. It’s interesting to see how different the imagery in this is compared to how they approached it later. The heavy guitars are shocking to hear as well as the screamo vocals, (not to mention the lyrics!) because when you look at the content on her Channel there are four videos between the video above and this one.

WTF Poppy?! What happened in between? Apparently, Poppy and Titanic Sinclair parted ways is what happened in between. Or perhaps this is when she started dating her current fiancé, Ghostemane. Gone are the overly pop tunes and the tightly controlled image. Poppy finally had a chance to do her own writing, and in interviews she described herself as “post genre”. It sounds cool when she says it, but if I, as cool as I actually am, at the tender age of 54, were to tell someone like…oh, I dunno, Joe Rogan maybe, that I’m “post genre, baby” I would sound pretentious as fuck.

But back to our regular programming.

Breaking Out and Breaking Through

Maybe I should title this part, “Breaking Bad”.

Poppy started breaking out of her pop persona and shell, and began doing more of her own thing. According to her in one of her interviews, she was listening to a lot of screamo and metal going to and from rehearsals and other events, and became inspired by it and wanted to incorporate it into her own sound. She still managed to incorporate her pop sensibilities, and the blend was an interesting sound of sweet melodic vocals—usually Kawaii-style vocals—coupled with dark and heavy metal guitars. Baby Metal comes to mind.

Here’s a track called Play Destroyshe worked on with Grimes, though there was apparently some bad blood between them afterward. Each of them have conflicting stories about how working together went, with Poppy complaining about NDAs and Grimes complaining about Poppy being whiny and full of herself. It’s a solid track any way you slice it, but I think the ongoing lawsuit sullied the waters for both of them, which is too bad.

A Quick Break in The Timeline

Poppy’s original logo used to be a triangle with the letter “P” in the center, which no longer exists, and I suspect it was a Titanic Sinclair invention, as was the poppy.church website. The whole thing was a cute and cynical take on the music industry being part of the Illuminati, and you can see that imagery in much of her early videos.

At this point I have to quickly circle back in time to show you Lowlife, which she’s deleted from her own Channel, but is on VEVO’s. You can see all of the Illuminati symbolism they were using in her early work, as well as how much her style has changed and evolved. I have to add a few videos here where you can see how they were pushing Poppy as a religious figure to be worshiped.

Back to The Regular Timeline

Here’s the Official Video version for X, and it gives us these sweet, hippy visuals to complement the psychedelic tone and shockingly dark imagery for the heavy screamo in the mix. It also references some of those visuals from when the Poppy team was trying to make a Poppy “cult”. This track gives a little insight for what’s to come in the future, but it’s rough around the edges. It’s not as solid as what her future work would be, but the kernel of her idea is definitely there.

I can’t stand the profile pic, which I’m sure is meant to detach herself from her bubblegum pop image of the past, and to shock people—and the thumbnail is intentionally hideous.

Meanwhile, on Her YouTube Channel

Just a quick jump back to her regular programming on her Channel for a bit to show what she was putting out while these releases were taking place. Her content continued to be stranger and stranger, and her costumes became more confounding somehow. Don’t let my language make you think I don’t like it—I love every minute of this wild ride.

And Her Music Kept Evolving

Here’s a sweet little ditty titled Voicemail that you’ll want to avoid listening to alone at night in a dark house. It’s compelling. It’s entirely different from anything else I’ve heard from her so far. It was released on the EP Choke, which is mostly techno, though iTunes lists it as alternative. The whole Choke EP is fascinating to me since it’s such a complete departure from her earlier work, and she doesn’t stay in this genre at all. It’s as if after this album she’s gotten whatever she was trying to explore out of her system and just leaves it behind.

I’ve decided to skip Scary Mask, as I don’t think it adds anything as far as style evolution, but you are free to check it out and decide for yourself, of course. Some of the fans might object, as it was hyped a lot and has tons of views, but I don’t care for the track and I stick to my guns as far as adding to her musical evolution.

And the Evolution Continues

Moving on from there, she evolves again into entirely new territory. This has to be my favorite so far: Concrete. I was in the hospital during one of my bouts of having my stomach pumped due to the small bowel obstruction. This video had just come out, and I was obsessed. Like, to the the point where I’m sure the person in the other bed was disturbed by how many times I played the video over and over in the middle of the night (I was also struggling with intractable insomnia). Since I’d come in via the Emergency Room and via an ambulance, I didn’t have my headphones. I tried to play it as quietly as I could, but I noticed my roommate started to play her own music to drown me out. Fair enough, my sick friend. Fair enough.

To me, this song is a masterpiece, and the video is perfection. I’ve watched so many reaction videos to this, and I love seeing the shocked and surprised looks on people’s faces when they get to the changes in the music. I never tire of that. I also delight in sending this video to unsuspecting friends and acquaintances as a sort of litmus test—of what exactly, I’m not sure, but I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like there’s some key, something to fathom here, that I just haven’t gotten yet, but if I keep listening I’ll eventually understand. Concrete was released on the album I Disagree.

And then of course, we have the track, I Disagree, which was a continuation of her sound after Concrete. At this point, it’s starting to feel like she’s really found her sound; her footing. There’s a solidity to what she’s doing, and less of a point-and-shoot. If you listen to the whole album (and I think you should) there’s a cohesiveness that hasn’t quite been there on past releases.

I Disagree is clearly a taunt to her former handlers, failed A&R reps, and record contracts that went nowhere. She shows just how willing she is to destroy her past and move on, doing whatever is necessary to carve her own path and make her story, her music, her life in her own way, regardless of the consequences. This is her power move.

Oh, and also? Who is her costume designer?! SERIOUSLY. That person kicks ASS.

I love this song too. BLOODMONEY is also on I Disagree. The video makes me cringe a bit, only because the violence in it feels a bit too real to me and I get sympathetic pains when I watch it. But I totally get the point and I have to say I agree (no pun intended). I’d love to know how they got her to float—that part is rad.

Fill The Crown, also released on I Disagree, is Poppy’s Swan Song to her former android self, telling the world that she’s no longer going to pretend that she’s some kind of computer being and all the accouterments that go along with maintaining that image. It’s also at this point that she introduces the new man in her life, Ghostemane, who appears on this track (and I think in the video, but don’t quote me on either as I’m not certain.)

Anything Like Me seems to be clearly talking about the issues with the Mars Argo lawsuit, as well as showing the world that she’s shed entirely her former android look, with the blonde wig she’d worn for years so she wouldn’t be constantly frying her hair with bleach. [Side note: if you look at her Channel videos, you can see where that inflection point was.]

I think these are her best lyrics so far, and her delivery is flawless. It looks like they didn’t have much budget for the video, but that doesn’t bother me or detract from the song. Strike that. All of her videos have been produced on pretty lean budgets (perhaps Concrete having the largest one, what with the grave-digging part needing the most, but I think what she’s been able to do with that is awesome.

I like the creepy, dance-like moves she does. I have to admit that at this point, Mars Argo is nothing like Poppy. Poppy has surpassed Mars Argo, and certainly surpassed Kawaii by a well-trod mile, while still including that Kawaii feel at times when she wants to. Perhaps not in this track, but in others. Well done.

Sit/Stay is haunting and seems to be talking about her experiences with the music industry as a whole. There are several videos about her on YouTube (this one is particularly good) that talk about her life and how she got into the industry and how she’s paid her dues over the years. She’s paid more thanher fair share of dues, too. In this track she lays it all down. The costume is both eerie and compelling, and she seems to have quite a talent for acting, at least when it comes to her own videos.

All The Things She Said is radio-friendly alternative with Poppy getting into her upper register and belting out some gratifying high notes, which we haven’t heard in a long while. I can’t figure out if this an apology song to Mars Argo or not—perhaps it is. Or perhaps to someone else. In any case, it’s got a great hook, solid instrumentation and production values, and can easily fit in with several radio formats. It fits in well on her album too, and I love it. You can see her new logo clearly on her necklace, and it suggests the type of thing a person might do to themselves if they were into cutting, which I don’t appreciate. Perhaps that’s the target demo she’s going for now. Oh, Poppy.

KHAOS X4 is not my cup of tea. At all. I think the imagery is deliberately “spooky”—though it’s miles better than her profile pic, which I still need to talk about. This hasn’t been made into a video yet. It’s still a fairly recent release, and Sumerian Records might find some money for her to do it at some point.

If It Bleeds is a very cool track. I hope this gets made into a video. Great melody, great use of her soft voice, great guitar hooks, great synths, solid drumming. I love it to pieces. She consistently has a positive message in her songs, even if she saying things like “get me bloody”, or “chaos, chaos, chaos”. She’s always asking for peace in the world, or questioning why people have to hurt each other.

I think as an artist, she’s finally gotten to a place where she can have what she wants, which are a solid and devoted fan base that will enjoy whatever she chooses to put out, and that’s priceless, and a record company that believes in her work, which is even more priceless. As for her profile pic, this is a larger version of it:


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This is a photo of her that was clearly manipulated in some photo editor to give her all those creepy lines all over her face as if she had some amazing tattoo or paint work done. It looks cheesy to me, as if she had to go out of her way to make herself look ugly. However, I know there are a lot of people who are into body modification that would disagree with me. The more recent artwork of her (see below) is better, in that this was an actual costume look she had, and there was minor manipulation done to it.


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But what do I know? I’m just a sometimes blogger and vlogger, barely able to find vocal melodies to the songs I’m writing right now, dealing with chronic pain that keeps me from being out there, doing stuff, plus there’s my sometimes crippling social anxiety (yay). Who am I to judge anyone else’s hard work? I’m hardly her target demo. When it comes to her music, I think it’s taken an amazing turn for the better. As you can hear for yourself, it was a sudden turn at the beginning that’s become more sophisticated as it’s gone along. I haven’t included any live performance videos here (of which there are dozens), but she’s grown in that department as well.

Other Projects

This post wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t include her graphic novels, even though I really just wanted to focus on her music.


genesisOnecvr.pnggenesisOnecvr.png

In October of 2019, she released her first one titled, Genesis 1:: A Graphic Novel by Poppy. It comes in hardback and audiobook. Apparently, if you buy the graphic hardcover, you automatically get a digital download of her album, I Disagree.


poppyInfernocvr.pngpoppyInfernocvr.png

She also has a pre-order for another graphic novel titled, Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks), scheduled for release on October 20, 2020. Here’s a blurb from the description:

In Poppy’s Inferno our hero must fight against all that try to change her, not allowing anyone to determine how she thinks, feels or hurts, all the while trying to outwit the demons that surround her every step of the way.

Taken from Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks) Hardcover – Audiobook, October 20, 2020 Pre-Order Description

As for what she’s doing on her YouTube Channel these days, you’ll mostly find makeup tutorials of all things. For example, we have Mint Eye Look With Poppy.

There are about 20 of them so far. I’m not sure what the point is, except to make sure the algorithm knows her Channel isn’t dead, since she doesn’t have any new music releases at this time. She’s clearly discarded the old android-alone-in-a-large-space style videos, so I guess she has to have something there to keep it going. I don’t mean to sound critical of these. They just feel like throwaways to me.

P.S. I didn’t include her Music To Read To album, as I totally forgot about it but it’s great and I’ve added it to my library for just this purpose.

This woman is a wonder, and I am totally here for it.

A Treatise on The Wonder and Mystery That Is Poppy (The Musician, Not the Flower)

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for some time, but it’s actually great that I’ve waited, because this incredible woman has changed so much over time this post can be a much more interesting journey than it would have been initially.

I haven’t talked about other people’s music on here yet, though I used to do that a lot on my original “auryaun” blog. If you aren’t familiar yet with Poppy, grab your favorite beverage and sit back for a bit, because this is going to be a wonderful and strange ride. There will be plenty of video links as well, so buckle-up!

The Beginning

Poppy started out as “That Poppy” when I came to know her online around 2014 on YouTube. Spending hours and hours on YouTube finding various rabbit holes to go down has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I’d have to say the era between 2010–2015 was the best time to do so, as the algorithm gave the wackiest recommendations back then. Now, it seems to be pretty rigid unless you’re rigorous about deleting your watch history.

Her first video was just Poppy saying her name, over and over again in a video titled, I’m Poppy. She and her creative partner, Titanic Sinclair (we’ll get into him a bit later) hadn’t quite found the right voice for her yet. This one has over 25M views so far. Enjoy, if you can stand to watch the whole thing.

Her original Channel, That Poppy no longer exists. VEVO has ThatPoppyVEVO with a handful of videos, but all of her original videos are on her Poppy Channel. Note the difference between the sweet face you see before you and creepy profile pic above. This post will cover that as well.

Her Channel evolved into a huge series of short videos of her interacting with the camera or the space of the studio, or sometimes a plant, another version of herself, or a mannequin named Charlotte, with Poppy always speaking in a very soft voice (ASMR anyone? No? Just me?) with eerie keyboard music playing in the background. Her costumes tended to Kawaii, which is the Japanese culture of cuteness, which over time became exaggerated regarding her clothing choices, as if to suggest she was more Kawaii than Kawaii itself. The scripts were also satirical in nature when it came to current cultural trends, especially in terms of our obsession with fame and money, or the commercialization of pop artists.

You get the idea. The main conceit behind all of this was to suggest that Poppy wasn’t a real person but rather a being generated out of the internet. In interviews, she would dodge questions that would attempt to get her to answer as if she were “real”.

Her Partner: Titanic Sinclair

Now let’s switch gears for a moment and take a look at Titanic Sinclair. He used to be part of a musical group known as Mars Argo, and had a site/Channel known as GroceryBagDotTV. As of now, it looks like Mars Argo, Sinclair’s former girlfriend whose name they used for the project, has several videos there, but there used to be hundreds of them. GroceryBagDotTVTest exists but there are only three videos left. Not sure if that’s being run by Sinclair himself. Let’s take a peekie at what’s on the latter, shall we?

Delete Your Facebook is a great video, which is probably why they’ve both decided to leave it up. It’s random and inspired and has a kind of innocence to it. I don’t know at what point their relationship was here—as it apparently devolved into a hateful one later—but here it feels easy and relaxed. The fact that they were seeing issues with Facebook as early as 2014 is pretty eye-opening as well.

Unfortunately, on Titanic Sinclair’s Channel, he’s deleted most of his videos and only has around 6 or 7 at this moment in time. Poo. None of them will show you what I was hoping to show, which is how he was posturing himself in counterpoint to what Poppy was doing at the time, but this makes sense since they’re no longer working together either—another pattern, Sir?—at least you’re consistent I guess.

This video comes the closest. He had a lot of videos like this where he was overdubbing his vocals after the fact and giving advice as a “director”. His videos always began with him saying things like, “Hi. I’m Titanic Sinclair. I’m a Director. As a Director, it’s important that [insert whatever].” His body language was generally more confident than what he’s showing here. It’s also odd that he doesn’t finish his thought but cuts it off, then overdubs and leaves the video up. Very strange.

The Former Partner: Mars Argo

Mars Argo put out a video called Everyone Just Wants It All. It’s been officially deleted, but there are still copies of it around YouTube. Hopefully, the link I found will be solid for a while. It seems that this video was the locus of loads of mocking from both Poppy and Sinclair, with various references coming up in both songs and videos they made together.

The Lawsuit

Mars Argo opened a lawsuit against both Sinclair and Poppy, stating that they had stolen her image and creative work. Things got ugly quickly. What’s most surprising to me is how long it took Argo to file suit in the first place. There appeared to be deliberate references to Mars Argo in Poppy videos and deliberate references to things Mars Argo said in her videos in Poppy videos. This post isn’t going to be about that lawsuit, as that would be a whole post in itself—I want to focus on Poppy’s creative evolution, but in order to do so I do need to at least introduce this as a topic.

Public Accusations

Going back a bit to Sinclair, we have Enough is Enough, which perhaps is his call to the press and former fans and especially Poppy fans that were spewing hate at him, as Poppy had accused him of being an abuser, just as Mars Argo had. There’s no way to know if these allegations are true or if Poppy just used this as a device to distance herself of much of the blame for the problems of the lawsuit. It was during this time that the partnership between Poppy and Sinclair ended.

Oh, and Sinclair also put out a pretty rad video at one point called Trust Fund. I love the unbridled video effects, as if someone just learned how to use [app name] and couldn’t resist using every effect available. The song makes me laugh as well. I think it gives pretty good insight into the inner workings of Sinclair’s mind—along with his choice of name, of course. Plus, he shows his songwriting chops, which you can clearly hear in Poppy’s music as she evolves.

Add to that this compilation of Computer Show videos and you get a fuller picture of Titanic Sinclair and Mars Argo and what they created in the past, and why Mars Argo felt she had a right to file suit against Sinclair and Poppy in the first place.

I’ll leave this here and let you be the judge.The Computer Show was way before its time and sadly ended too soon, apparently due to relationship and money tensions.

Anyway, the suit was settled out of court and all parties agreed to no-contact/no-harassment. Titanic Sinclair was required to delete any incriminating or personal photos he had of Mars Argo, and Poppy had to make sure she wasn’t doing anything that was a mimic of Argo’s identity.

The First Album

Poppy’s first album release was in 2016, with 3:36 Music To Sleep To. The 3:36 references one of her videos called 3:36, where she notices the time on her watch and appears worried about it. However, that video is problematic, because Mars Argo’s video (shown above) was 3:36 minutes long in the original posting. In the lawsuit, Argo felt this was part of the harassment she felt was being put upon her.

Poppy’s Evolution

Poppy’s first pop song started with Interweb, a decent track. It got enough traction to gain her more fans and generate interest to move her away from being a weird YouTube artist to being an actual artist with a greater voice and vision, which I think they’d intended all along. As it has come out in more recent news, Poppy has had multiple recording contracts over the years, but the talent reps hadn’t quite known how to develop her, which caused her a lot of frustration.

From here, she continued to make lots of videos on her Channel, getting weirder by the day. There was a cultish tone to them, which felt intentional and somewhat mocking in tone (more on that in a bit). As far as the next musical release goes, it didn’t come out for months and when it did, we got: Bleach Blonde Baby. Note the similar tone in the lighting. Not sure what they were going for there or why. Again, pretty tame pop fare, but it continued to grow her fan base.

I have to point out that her standard Channel videos by this point had her in outrageous costumes. This one is called Liberty.

She also put out a video for a track called Moshi Moshi. Interweb, Bleach Blonde Baby, and Moshi Moshi are all on her album Poppy.Computer.

And busy bee that she was right at this time she put out a longer video called I’m Poppy. There’s also a track by that name on her album Poppy.Computer.

All of this was in the Kawaii style that she was owning full-on. I mean, she was owning it.

Right around this time though, the lawsuit hit and accusations were very public and flying. Twitter was full of it. YouTube was full of it. Everyone seemed to be taking a side. I saw many a video trying to suggest a special angle on the whole mess. And it was a huge mess. I saw people saying that Titanic was an abuser. I saw tweets saying he had threatened to kill himself if Poppy didn’t do what he wanted. I saw YouTube comments saying he had made that threat one time before a show. I mean, really nasty stuff.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Her next music video took on a distinctly different tone, and I can’t help but think it was due to the lawsuit. Her team must have been thinking: “How do we rebrand Poppy in such a way that it’s still Poppy while specifically not referencing Mars Argo in any way whatsoever that’s not going to alienate her fan base?”

Well, this is the direction they chose (and note that this is an audio only video). Metal was only ever released as a single.

Wow, that’s a lot of Latex! Definitely not Kawaii, and yet still cute with the Mickey Mouse-ish ears headwear and oversized, bulbous shoulder pads. A very carefully curated look. This track was never developed into an official music video.

Her next official music video would be a work featuring Diplo, of all people. It turns out, he signed her to his record label. Who knew he had a record label? Time Is Up was released on her album Am I A Girl? I have to admit this album is a real mishmash of styles. The production values are superb, and her singing is great, but she’s an artist being given tracks to sing, and that can’t be much fun. There’s a hollowness to the album, and it must have been hard to tour it. It’s funny because sometimes there are these pounding drums and screaming guitar licks, but then other tracks have heavy techno beats. There’s one track that feels like a Spanish love song. Super weird.

The video furthers the idea that Poppy is a computer creation, and also that she holds some sort of high priestess-cult position. All the while, her non-music videos—one example below is called, Pray With Me have also been furthering this idea.

Then there are a series of odd Channel videos, and I went back-and-forth as to whether I should include them, as this post if already long. If you want to check them out, they’re there for you to see. I want to try and focus on the music as much as I can, and I’m adding these extra videos for context.

More Music

Her next music releases are audio-only. I think she was trying to drum up some A&R interest and it just didn’t pan out. Oh, and I heard that Diplo’s “record label” wasn’t a label at all. Poppy got no support, and no promotion. She just got to make that one music video with his help and that was it. Hoo-rah. What a nice guy.

Here’s where she went next, image and style-wise, with Immature Couture. This was only released as a single.

Bubblegum Pop. Not at all to my liking, but an improvement in production values and melody to what she was doing previously. There’s a lot more complexity to the track and you can hear her talent developing.

Next we have X (Audio Only Version) which did get made into a video, found lower in this post. It’s interesting to see how different the imagery in this is compared to how they approached it later. The heavy guitars are shocking to hear as well as the screamo vocals, (not to mention the lyrics!) because when you look at the content on her Channel there are four videos between the video above and this one.

WTF Poppy?! What happened in between? Apparently, Poppy and Titanic Sinclair parted ways is what happened in between. Or perhaps this is when she started dating her current fiancé, Ghostemane. Gone are the overly pop tunes and the tightly controlled image. Poppy finally had a chance to do her own writing, and in interviews she described herself as “post genre”. It sounds cool when she says it, but if I, as cool as I actually am, at the tender age of 54, were to tell someone like…oh, I dunno, Joe Rogan maybe, that I’m “post genre, baby” I would sound pretentious as fuck.

But back to our regular programming.

Breaking Out and Breaking Through

Maybe I should title this part, “Breaking Bad”.

Poppy started breaking out of her pop persona and shell, and began doing more of her own thing. According to her in one of her interviews, she was listening to a lot of screamo and metal going to and from rehearsals and other events, and became inspired by it and wanted to incorporate it into her own sound. She still managed to incorporate her pop sensibilities, and the blend was an interesting sound of sweet melodic vocals—usually Kawaii-style vocals—coupled with dark and heavy metal guitars. Baby Metal comes to mind.

Here’s a track called Play Destroy she worked on with Grimes, though there was apparently some bad blood between them afterward. Each of them have conflicting stories about how working together went, with Poppy complaining about NDAs and Grimes complaining about Poppy being whiny and full of herself. It’s a solid track any way you slice it, but I think the ongoing lawsuit sullied the waters for both of them, which is too bad.

A Quick Break in The Timeline

Poppy’s original logo used to be a triangle with the letter “P” in the center, which no longer exists, and I suspect it was a Titanic Sinclair invention, as was the poppy.church website. The whole thing was a cute and cynical take on the music industry being part of the Illuminati, and you can see that imagery in much of her early videos.

At this point I have to quickly circle back in time to show you Lowlife, which she’s deleted from her own Channel, but is on VEVO’s. You can see all of the Illuminati symbolism they were using in her early work, as well as how much her style has changed and evolved. I have to add a few videos here where you can see how they were pushing Poppy as a religious figure to be worshiped.

Back to The Regular Timeline

Here’s the Official Video version for X, and it gives us these sweet, hippy visuals to complement the psychedelic tone and shockingly dark imagery for the heavy screamo in the mix. It also references some of those visuals from when the Poppy team was trying to make a Poppy “cult”. This track gives a little insight for what’s to come in the future, but it’s rough around the edges. It’s not as solid as what her future work would be, but the kernel of her idea is definitely there.

I can’t stand the profile pic, which I’m sure is meant to detach herself from her bubblegum pop image of the past, and to shock people—and the thumbnail is intentionally hideous.

Meanwhile, on Her YouTube Channel

Just a quick jump back to her regular programming on her Channel for a bit to show what she was putting out while these releases were taking place. Her content continued to be stranger and stranger, and her costumes became more confounding somehow. Don’t let my language make you think I don’t like it—I love every minute of this wild ride.

And Her Music Kept Evolving

Here’s a sweet little ditty titled Voicemail that you’ll want to avoid listening to alone at night in a dark house. It’s compelling. It’s entirely different from anything else I’ve heard from her so far. It was released on the EP Choke, which is mostly techno, though iTunes lists it as alternative. The whole Choke EP is fascinating to me since it’s such a complete departure from her earlier work, and she doesn’t stay in this genre at all. It’s as if after this album she’s gotten whatever she was trying to explore out of her system and just leaves it behind.

I’ve decided to skip Scary Mask, as I don’t think it adds anything as far as style evolution, but you are free to check it out and decide for yourself, of course. Some of the fans might object, as it was hyped a lot and has tons of views, but I don’t care for the track and I stick to my guns as far as adding to her musical evolution.

And the Evolution Continues

Moving on from there, she evolves again into entirely new territory. This has to be my favorite so far: Concrete. I was in the hospital during one of my bouts of having my stomach pumped due to the small bowel obstruction. This video had just come out, and I was obsessed. Like, to the the point where I’m sure the person in the other bed was disturbed by how many times I played the video over and over in the middle of the night (I was also struggling with intractable insomnia). Since I’d come in via the Emergency Room and via an ambulance, I didn’t have my headphones. I tried to play it as quietly as I could, but I noticed my roommate started to play her own music to drown me out. Fair enough, my sick friend. Fair enough.

To me, this song is a masterpiece, and the video is perfection. I’ve watched so many reaction videos to this, and I love seeing the shocked and surprised looks on people’s faces when they get to the changes in the music. I never tire of that. I also delight in sending this video to unsuspecting friends and acquaintances as a sort of litmus test—of what exactly, I’m not sure, but I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like there’s some key, something to fathom here, that I just haven’t gotten yet, but if I keep listening I’ll eventually understand. Concrete was released on the album I Disagree.

And then of course, we have the track, I Disagree, which was a continuation of her sound after Concrete. At this point, it’s starting to feel like she’s really found her sound; her footing. There’s a solidity to what she’s doing, and less of a point-and-shoot. If you listen to the whole album (and I think you should) there’s a cohesiveness that hasn’t quite been there on past releases.

I Disagree is clearly a taunt to her former handlers, failed A&R reps, and record contracts that went nowhere. She shows just how willing she is to destroy her past and move on, doing whatever is necessary to carve her own path and make her story, her music, her life in her own way, regardless of the consequences. This is her power move.

Oh, and also? Who is her costume designer?! SERIOUSLY. That person kicks ASS.

I love this song too. BLOODMONEY is also on I Disagree. The video makes me cringe a bit, only because the violence in it feels a bit too real to me and I get sympathetic pains when I watch it. But I totally get the point and I have to say I agree (no pun intended). I’d love to know how they got her to float—that part is rad.

Fill The Crown, also released on I Disagree, is Poppy’s Swan Song to her former android self, telling the world that she’s no longer going to pretend that she’s some kind of computer being and all the accouterments that go along with maintaining that image. It’s also at this point that she introduces the new man in her life, Ghostemane, who appears on this track (and I think in the video, but don’t quote me on either as I’m not certain.)

Anything Like Me seems to be clearly talking about the issues with the Mars Argo lawsuit, as well as showing the world that she’s shed entirely her former android look, with the blonde wig she’d worn for years so she wouldn’t be constantly frying her hair with bleach. [Side note: if you look at her Channel videos, you can see where that inflection point was.]

I think these are her best lyrics so far, and her delivery is flawless. It looks like they didn’t have much budget for the video, but that doesn’t bother me or detract from the song. Strike that. All of her videos have been produced on pretty lean budgets (perhaps Concrete having the largest one, what with the grave-digging part needing the most, but I think what she’s been able to do with that is awesome.

I like the creepy, dance-like moves she does. I have to admit that at this point, Mars Argo is nothing like Poppy. Poppy has surpassed Mars Argo, and certainly surpassed Kawaii by a well-trod mile, while still including that Kawaii feel at times when she wants to. Perhaps not in this track, but in others. Well done.

Sit/Stay is haunting and seems to be talking about her experiences with the music industry as a whole. There are several videos about her on YouTube (this one is particularly good) that talk about her life and how she got into the industry and how she’s paid her dues over the years. She’s paid more than her fair share of dues, too. In this track she lays it all down. The costume is both eerie and compelling, and she seems to have quite a talent for acting, at least when it comes to her own videos.

All The Things She Said is radio-friendly alternative with Poppy getting into her upper register and belting out some gratifying high notes, which we haven’t heard in a long while. I can’t figure out if this an apology song to Mars Argo or not—perhaps it is. Or perhaps to someone else. In any case, it’s got a great hook, solid instrumentation and production values, and can easily fit in with several radio formats. It fits in well on her album too, and I love it. You can see her new logo clearly on her necklace, and it suggests the type of thing a person might do to themselves if they were into cutting, which I don’t appreciate. Perhaps that’s the target demo she’s going for now. Oh, Poppy.

KHAOS X4 is not my cup of tea. At all. I think the imagery is deliberately “spooky”—though it’s miles better than her profile pic, which I still need to talk about. This hasn’t been made into a video yet. It’s still a fairly recent release, and Sumerian Records might find some money for her to do it at some point.

If It Bleeds is a very cool track. I hope this gets made into a video. Great melody, great use of her soft voice, great guitar hooks, great synths, solid drumming. I love it to pieces. She consistently has a positive message in her songs, even if she saying things like “get me bloody”, or “chaos, chaos, chaos”. She’s always asking for peace in the world, or questioning why people have to hurt each other.

I think as an artist, she’s finally gotten to a place where she can have what she wants, which are a solid and devoted fan base that will enjoy whatever she chooses to put out, and that’s priceless, and a record company that believes in her work, which is even more priceless. As for her profile pic, this is a larger version of it:

This is a photo of her that was clearly manipulated in some photo editor to give her all those creepy lines all over her face as if she had some amazing tattoo or paint work done. It looks cheesy to me, as if she had to go out of her way to make herself look ugly. However, I know there are a lot of people who are into body modification that would disagree with me. The more recent artwork of her (see below) is better, in that this was an actual costume look she had, and there was minor manipulation done to it.

But what do I know? I’m just a sometimes blogger and vlogger, barely able to find vocal melodies to the songs I’m writing right now, dealing with chronic pain that keeps me from being out there, doing stuff, plus there’s my sometimes crippling social anxiety (yay). Who am I to judge anyone else’s hard work? I’m hardly her target demo. When it comes to her music, I think it’s taken an amazing turn for the better. As you can hear for yourself, it was a sudden turn at the beginning that’s become more sophisticated as it’s gone along. I haven’t included any live performance videos here (of which there are dozens), but she’s grown in that department as well.

Other Projects

This post wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t include her graphic novels, even though I really just wanted to focus on her music.

In October of 2019, she released her first one titled, Genesis 1:: A Graphic Novel by Poppy. It comes in hardback and audiobook. Apparently, if you buy the graphic hardcover, you automatically get a digital download of her album, I Disagree.


She also has a pre-order for another graphic novel titled, Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks), scheduled for release on October 20, 2020. Here’s a blurb from the description:

In Poppy’s Inferno our hero must fight against all that try to change her, not allowing anyone to determine how she thinks, feels or hurts, all the while trying to outwit the demons that surround her every step of the way.

Taken from Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks) Hardcover – Audiobook, October 20, 2020 Pre-Order Description

As for what she’s doing on her YouTube Channel these days, you’ll mostly find makeup tutorials of all things. For example, we have Mint Eye Look With Poppy.

There are about 20 of them so far. I’m not sure what the point is, except to make sure the algorithm knows her Channel isn’t dead, since she doesn’t have any new music releases at this time. She’s clearly discarded the old android-alone-in-a-large-space style videos, so I guess she has to have something there to keep it going. I don’t mean to sound critical of these. They just feel like throwaways to me.

P.S. I didn’t include her Music To Read To album, as I totally forgot about it but it’s great and I’ve added it to my library for just this purpose.

This woman is a wonder, and I am totally here for it.

The Surreal Experience of Watching a Person Die


(and other things they don't teach you in school)(and other things they don't teach you in school)

(and other things they don’t teach you in school)

Well, so my Mom died. I guess you’ve figured that out if you saw my last video, which I forgot to post here when I recorded it (been a bit preoccupied and I’ve gotten my posting order all mixed up. Sue me). I really thought we had more time. That’s been the most shocking part of it all for me.

When I arrived, she wasn’t doing great but she seemed far from dying. I thought all she needed was a dietary fix and a bit of time. I kept forgetting the fact that when she started dialysis 5 or so years ago she was already Stage 5. Stage Five. That’s Kidney Failure.

It was all due to gold treatments she’d received when she was only a little older than me for her rheumatoid arthritis. It was known at the time that it could cause kidney damage, so there was always extensive blood work done with each treatment. The moment there were signs that yes, her kidneys had been harmed, the treatments were stopped.

She should have sought dialysis then. But no.

When she would speak of it, the mental image I’d get would be of being stuck in some kind of iron lung for hours, or even days at a time, with no mobility, no freedom, one’s life held hostage by machines. Dialysis was the last thing she could possibly want.

I was at the doctor’s appointment the day he came and told her the bad news: that her tests showed her disease had advanced to Stage 5. I asked, “What’s the next Stage?” He answered, “There is no next Stage.” I turned to my mother in accusation and said, “Mom!”

When we got back to her house, I immediately started researching dialysis to find out if it was, in fact, as awful as she thought it was, and if at Stage 5, there was any point in pursuing it. It turned out that even at Stage 5 there was a great deal of hope, and HEY BONUS!, there’s even a way to do it in the comfort of your OWN HOME.

I told her about it and immediately signed us up for an informational seminar.

Although she tried the home dialysis, it turned out to be uncomfortable and difficult. I ended up hearing this from quite a few people who had tried this. Bummer. But, my Mom was open to going to a center, which she faithfully did for roughly the following several years.

At first, it was a revelation! While the treatment tired her out when she got home, the following day she was peppy and energized, feeling quite back to her normal self. Weekends, she could go out to dinner and the movies again, or the opera, like she used to. She had much of her old life back—or at least so it seemed, for a time. But it was just staving-off the inevitable. She was in kidney failure after all. She was already dying.

I know I already wrote a post where I spoke quite ill of my mother. We had a complicated relationship. Let me take a few moments to tell you of her talents.

She could knit, crochet, and sew amazing things. Growing up, her hands were never still. She even took sewing lessons, to learn how to make custom patterns. She made my brother’s girlfriend’s prom dress, which was this gorgeous one shoulder taffeta creation. She made needlepoint. In the evenings, during family TV time, she would pull out whatever she was working on, and I loved to watch her. I never had the talent or patience for this work. Sadly, arthritis took this away from her, along with vision problems.

She loved to write poetry. I don’t know if she had any talent for it, but she would spend hours with a legal pad and a pen, musing away late into the night. I think she shared something with me once, but I was too young to appreciate it. I prefer free-verse, anyway.

She could tell stories! Oh my, the stories of her life were so interesting! From weekends on her grandmother’s farm in Chile, to moving to New York in the 1950’s, then taking a bus trip to visit her brother in San Francisco—and getting stuck there because she ran out of money!—and taking a job as a bank teller for BofA, and, while getting the medical screening for health insurance and just by chance swallowing while the doctor was palpating her throat to discover, of all things, thyroid cancer, which back in those days involved removing half of her neck! She literally could not hold her head up for months, as they had removed not only the tumor and her thyroid, but all of the tendons and muscles on that side of her neck just to make certain they had gotten it all! It left a massive t-shaped scar along her jawline, down her neck, and across her collarbone. This was a beautiful woman in her early twenties who went on to feel deformed for the next decade. Devastating. Plus, the physical therapy involved just to hold her head up, turn her head, compensate for what was lost—just incredible. I have never been able to imagine what that must have been like for her.

Obviously she found men to love her and marry her. She created a family. She was conflicted. Perhaps she never felt worthy. She and I spoke somewhat of this, but never directly. She could only ever allude to mistakes she had made and wishing she had done things differently. Don’t we all?

This was also a woman who loved history. She adored historical novels. She could retell historical events as if she had actually been there. She could bring them to life in such a way that I think she missed her true calling as a historical author!

I will miss this cantankerous, impossible, vivacious, lovable lady. I wish you had known her. You’d have felt the same.

Confronting Death, Dying, Spiritual Cleansing and Update from Phoenix


We all have to face death in our lives at some point. When it comes, you;re never ready.We all have to face death in our lives at some point. When it comes, you;re never ready.

We all have to face death in our lives at some point. When it comes, you;re never ready.

I talk about spending time with my mother as she struggles with her last days. Her decline was much more rapid than any of us expected, and I found myself exhausted and wondering and…numb. I was glad to be there with her as I was denied the opportunity to be there with my father during his final days. Still, it’s always difficult and unexpected. I suspect each time is most likely as unique as each person, and as complex as each relationship.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a parent? Have you been there with them? Has the time enriched your life in any way, or changed you, or did it detract from your life? Let me know in the comments.

The Surreal Experience of Watching a Person Die

(and other things they don’t teach you in school)

Well, so my Mom died. I guess you’ve figured that out if you saw my last video, which I forgot to post here when I recorded it (been a bit preoccupied and I’ve gotten my posting order all mixed up. Sue me). I really thought we had more time. That’s been the most shocking part of it all for me.

When I arrived, she wasn’t doing great but she seemed far from dying. I thought all she needed was a dietary fix and a bit of time. I kept forgetting the fact that when she started dialysis 5 or so years ago she was already Stage 5. Stage Five. That’s Kidney Failure.

It was all due to gold treatments she’d received when she was only a little older than me for her rheumatoid arthritis. It was known at the time that it could cause kidney damage, so there was always extensive blood work done with each treatment. The moment there were signs that yes, her kidneys had been harmed, the treatments were stopped.

She should have sought dialysis then. But no.

When she would speak of it, the mental image I’d get would be of being stuck in some kind of iron lung for hours, or even days at a time, with no mobility, no freedom, one’s life held hostage by machines. Dialysis was the last thing she could possibly want.

I was at the doctor’s appointment the day he came and told her the bad news: that her tests showed her disease had advanced to Stage 5. I asked, “What’s the next Stage?” He answered, “There is no next Stage.” I turned to my mother in accusation and said, “Mom!”

When we got back to her house, I immediately started researching dialysis to find out if it was, in fact, as awful as she thought it was, and if at Stage 5, there was any point in pursuing it. It turned out that even at Stage 5 there was a great deal of hope, and HEY BONUS!, there’s even a way to do it in the comfort of your OWN HOME.

I told her about it and immediately signed us up for an informational seminar.

Although she tried the home dialysis, it turned out to be uncomfortable and difficult. I ended up hearing this from quite a few people who had tried this. Bummer. But, my Mom was open to going to a center, which she faithfully did for roughly the following several years.

At first, it was a revelation! While the treatment tired her out when she got home, the following day she was peppy and energized, feeling quite back to her normal self. Weekends, she could go out to dinner and the movies again, or the opera, like she used to. She had much of her old life back—or at least so it seemed, for a time. But it was just staving-off the inevitable. She was in kidney failure after all. She was already dying.

I know I already wrote a post where I spoke quite ill of my mother. We had a complicated relationship. Let me take a few moments to tell you of her talents.

She could knit, crochet, and sew amazing things. Growing up, her hands were never still. She even took sewing lessons, to learn how to make custom patterns. She made my brother’s girlfriend’s prom dress, which was this gorgeous one shoulder taffeta creation. She made needlepoint. In the evenings, during family TV time, she would pull out whatever she was working on, and I loved to watch her. I never had the talent or patience for this work. Sadly, arthritis took this away from her, along with vision problems.

She loved to write poetry. I don’t know if she had any talent for it, but she would spend hours with a legal pad and a pen, musing away late into the night. I think she shared something with me once, but I was too young to appreciate it. I prefer free-verse, anyway.

She could tell stories! Oh my, the stories of her life were so interesting! From weekends on her grandmother’s farm in Chile, to moving to New York in the 1950’s, then taking a bus trip to visit her brother in San Francisco—and getting stuck there because she ran out of money!—and taking a job as a bank teller for BofA, and, while getting the medical screening for health insurance and just by chance swallowing while the doctor was palpating her throat to discover, of all things, thyroid cancer, which back in those days involved removing half of her neck! She literally could not hold her head up for months, as they had removed not only the tumor and her thyroid, but all of the tendons and muscles on that side of her neck just to make certain they had gotten it all! It left a massive t-shaped scar along her jawline, down her neck, and across her collarbone. This was a beautiful woman in her early twenties who went on to feel deformed for the next decade. Devastating. Plus, the physical therapy involved just to hold her head up, turn her head, compensate for what was lost—just incredible. I have never been able to imagine what that must have been like for her.

Obviously she found men to love her and marry her. She created a family. She was conflicted. Perhaps she never felt worthy. She and I spoke somewhat of this, but never directly. She could only ever allude to mistakes she had made and wishing she had done things differently. Don’t we all?

This was also a woman who loved history. She adored historical novels. She could retell historical events as if she had actually been there. She could bring them to life in such a way that I think she missed her true calling as a historical author!

I will miss this cantankerous, impossible, vivacious, lovable lady. I wish you had known her. You’d have felt the same.

Confronting Death, Dying, Spiritual Cleansing and Update from Phoenix

I talk about spending time with my mother as she struggles with her last days. Her decline was much more rapid than any of us expected, and I found myself exhausted and wondering and…numb. I was glad to be there with her as I was denied the opportunity to be there with my father during his final days. Still, it’s always difficult and unexpected. I suspect each time is most likely as unique as each person, and as complex as each relationship.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a parent? Have you been there with them? Has the time enriched your life in any way, or changed you, or did it detract from your life? Let me know in the comments.

Why Do I Do This?!


The concept album is a long-held tradition among musiciansThe concept album is a long-held tradition among musicians

The concept album is a long-held tradition among musicians

Bringing to you another video, this time in 4k. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything anywhere, but I’ve hardly been idle. There have been many and sundry little things taking my attention away, and in this video I chat about what’s been occupying my time. Like writing new songs, for example. I realize I just put out an album (that was long past its due date) and I’m supposed to only be focused on talking about that, but I’m not a conventional artist in any sense of the word. “Swallow” was conceived in 1995 as an album that would explore five different sides of a woman’s personality, with “Swallow” being the main character, and the one who has had to swallow her feelings and circumstances in order to survive. Clearly, that’s not the album I ended up making.

Experimenting with clickbaity titles is fun

Nor is am i me/am i not?, though I suppose in a way I came slightly closer.

As a point of curiosity, it seems that Tori Amos made that album, in a way, when she put out American Doll Posse, an album that put me off entirely for years due to the artwork and the fact that it seemed like Ms. Amos simply wanted an excuse to wear as many different wigs as she could to disguise the fact that she was losing her hair. It had finally become noticeable on To Venus and Back, which is why, I think, she had wigged artwork for Strange Little Girls, which I thought was a great album of covers. In fact, I only picked American Doll Posse up a couple of months ago after hearing Bouncing Off Clouds on The Graham Norton Show on YouTube. It’s a solid album. I don’t think it needed the concept. I think it was a ruse to hide her hair loss. It happens to women just as it does to men, and it’s horrible and embarrassing. She probably had to have a scalp reduction surgery that took years to heal, and that’s probably why there are so many fans that say she looks different now. Her eyebrows have literally moved. Please don’t hate on me for this: I adore her work.

Yikes, I’ve hung myself out to dry now. Um…moving right along.

All of the material from Swallow had been written between 2010 and 2012, and was pretty much complete by 2013. At that point, life circumstances became too pressing for me to move forward on the album and it had to wait. The release itself has been quiet, though I’ve gotten great feedback, and I’m pleased with its performance thus far. Having not written any music since 2012 and getting back into after all these years feels exhilarating.

Oh, and I chat with a sparrow for a moment. In the video, I zoom in close so you can see her clearly, but I realize that some folks might think I spliced that Very Mary Poppins moment in. Sadly, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I imported the video directly from Quicktime to Premiere Rush without saving a copy, and once it’s rendered in Premiere Rush, it becomes uneditable.

I’ll think about saving a source copy next time. It’s not like I don’t have a terabyte of cloud storage or anything.

Two things of note here are that I’m now on Patreon, the address is (predictably) https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I originally had Tiers there for both music supporters and tarot readings, but the way Patreon works made it too difficult. You can only offer either Tiers that are paid monthly, or “per creation”. I don’t see how I could satisfy my music fans in this way, plus I’m giving access to my Discord server, and how would that make sense? So I removed the tarot reading portion from my Patreon and only have monthly music fan subscriptions available that come with access to Discord, early access to new tracks, special swag, and more things as they happen.

For the tarot fans, I’ll be offering readings through a different avenue and most likely will use PayPal. In this video, I offer my first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel to a free, single card reading, just for becoming a sub of my Channel and liking the video. Then, all you have to do is DM me your question. Super simple!

If it goes really well I might extend it to more subscribers. I’ll be setting up a page (probably here) for tarot readings. I know I can help a lot of people with my readings, as I’ve been doing them for so long. I’m excited to get going with these.

Why Do I Do This?!

Bringing to you another video, this time in 4k. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything anywhere, but I’ve hardly been idle. There have been many and sundry little things taking my attention away, and in this video I chat about what’s been occupying my time. Like writing new songs, for example. I realize I just put out an album (that was long past its due date) and I’m supposed to only be focused on talking about that, but I’m not a conventional artist in any sense of the word. “Swallow” was conceived in 1995 as an album that would explore five different sides of a woman’s personality, with “Swallow” being the main character, and the one who has had to swallow her feelings and circumstances in order to survive. Clearly, that’s not the album I ended up making.

Experimenting with clickbaity titles is fun

Nor is am i me/am i not?, though I suppose in a way I came slightly closer.

As a point of curiosity, it seems that Tori Amos made that album, in a way, when she put out American Doll Posse, an album that put me off entirely for years due to the artwork and the fact that it seemed like Ms. Amos simply wanted an excuse to wear as many different wigs as she could to disguise the fact that she was losing her hair. It had finally become noticeable on To Venus and Back, which is why, I think, she had wigged artwork for Strange Little Girls, which I thought was a great album of covers. In fact, I only picked American Doll Posse up a couple of months ago after hearing Bouncing Off Clouds on The Graham Norton Show on YouTube. It’s a solid album. I don’t think it needed the concept. I think it was a ruse to hide her hair loss. It happens to women just as it does to men, and it’s horrible and embarrassing. She probably had to have a scalp reduction surgery that took years to heal, and that’s probably why there are so many fans that say she looks different now. Her eyebrows have literally moved. Please don’t hate on me for this: I adore her work.

Yikes, I’ve hung myself out to dry now. Um…moving right along.

All of the material from Swallow had been written between 2010 and 2012, and was pretty much complete by 2013. At that point, life circumstances became too pressing for me to move forward on the album and it had to wait. The release itself has been quiet, though I’ve gotten great feedback, and I’m pleased with its performance thus far. Having not written any music since 2012 and getting back into after all these years feels exhilarating.

Oh, and I chat with a sparrow for a moment. In the video, I zoom in close so you can see her clearly, but I realize that some folks might think I spliced that Very Mary Poppins moment in. Sadly, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I imported the video directly from Quicktime to Premiere Rush without saving a copy, and once it’s rendered in Premiere Rush, it becomes uneditable.

I’ll think about saving a source copy next time. It’s not like I don’t have a terabyte of cloud storage or anything.

Two things of note here are that I’m now on Patreon, the address is (predictably) https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I originally had Tiers there for both music supporters and tarot readings, but the way Patreon works made it too difficult. You can only offer either Tiers that are paid monthly, or “per creation”. I don’t see how I could satisfy my music fans in this way, plus I’m giving access to my Discord server, and how would that make sense? So I removed the tarot reading portion from my Patreon and only have monthly music fan subscriptions available that come with access to Discord, early access to new tracks, special swag, and more things as they happen.

For the tarot fans, I’ll be offering readings through a different avenue and most likely will use PayPal. In this video, I offer my first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel to a free, single card reading, just for becoming a sub of my Channel and liking the video. Then, all you have to do is DM me your question. Super simple!

If it goes really well I might extend it to more subscribers. I’ll be setting up a page (probably here) for tarot readings. I know I can help a lot of people with my readings, as I’ve been doing them for so long. I’m excited to get going with these.

Tarot Tuesday Week of July 21, 2020 | Codename: The Tower


I totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this weekI totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

This week’s video carries a warning and time-sensitive info

This week’s reading takes us in a dark and unpleasant direction, but we can get through it if we stay strong and remember that we are a democracy. I’ve included the URLs to find your Senator and Representative in order to make call after call to direct them to assist YOU, since they are there to work for YOU and not the other way around.

Here are the URLs I give you in the video:
To find your Senator go to https://www.senate.gov/senators/index.htm
To find your Representative go to https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative

I also have started a Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I’m offering a few Tiers of readings there, but as I’ve mentioned in the video, I’m waiving fees for Single Card readings for the first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel. All you need to do is go to my YouTube Channel, Like this video, and Subscribe to my Channel. Then DM me your question and I’ll DM you a reply of your reading If this takes off, I might extend this offer.

As always, I wish you peace and love.

Tarot Tuesday Week of July 21, 2020 | Codename: The Tower

This week’s video carries a warning and time-sensitive info

This week’s reading takes us in a dark and unpleasant direction, but we can get through it if we stay strong and remember that we are a democracy. I’ve included the URLs to find your Senator and Representative in order to make call after call to direct them to assist YOU, since they are there to work for YOU and not the other way around.

Here are the URLs I give you in the video:
To find your Senator go to https://www.senate.gov/senators/index.htm
To find your Representative go to https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative

I also have started a Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I’m offering a few Tiers of readings there, but as I’ve mentioned in the video, I’m waiving fees for Single Card readings for the first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel. All you need to do is go to my YouTube Channel, Like this video, and Subscribe to my Channel. Then DM me your question and I’ll DM you a reply of your reading If this takes off, I might extend this offer.

As always, I wish you peace and love.

Vloggy Check-In and Can You Believe?


Yes, CAN, I am SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!Yes, CAN, I am SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

Yes, CAN, I am SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

Just a quick note to say hello, while I spend the day in bed with a fibro flare, plus I got that can of finishing wax I was waiting for and had a shock when I saw it!

Tarot Tuesday for July 14, 2020


I totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this weekI totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

This proved to be one of my best readings

This feels like one of the most powerful readings I’ve done yet, though I was frustrated by my technical issues. I did a factory reset on my computer today and realized that when I set it up, I stupidly created a partition that had sealed away a large portion of my usable data, when all I had meant to do was change the name of my machine. This is the danger of knowing only enough about such things as to cause oneself such problems—but I also know enough to fix them. Today, she is running sweetly with scads of available data.

Anyway…many hours later, I have once again another great video up and a nicely running machine. I’m going to do a test vloggy today just to make sure she’s going to play nicely with me. Don’t you make a liar out of me, Missy!

Vloggy Check-In and Can You Believe?

Yes, CAN, I am SQUISHING YOUR HEAD!

Just a quick note to say hello, while I spend the day in bed with a fibro flare, plus I got that can of finishing wax I was waiting for and had a shock when I saw it!

Tarot Tuesday for July 14, 2020

This feels like one of the most powerful readings I’ve done yet, though I was frustrated by my technical issues. I did a factory reset on my computer today and realized that when I set it up, I stupidly created a partition that had sealed away a large portion of my usable data, when all I had meant to do was change the name of my machine. This is the danger of knowing only enough about such things as to cause oneself such problems—but I also know enough to fix them. Today, she is running sweetly with scads of available data.

Anyway…many hours later, I have once again another great video up and a nicely running machine. I’m going to do a test vloggy today just to make sure she’s going to play nicely with me. Don’t you make a liar out of me, Missy!

Auryaun’s Place on YouTube Has a New Channel Trailer


pexels-photo-3601441.jpegpexels-photo-3601441.jpeg

And we happen to think it’s adorable even if it does borrow heavily from a culture of which we are not personally a part. We mean no disrespect.

I wish I lived in Bollywood

Auryaun’s Place on YouTube Has a New Channel Trailer

And we happen to think it’s adorable even if it does borrow heavily from a culture of which we are not personally a part. We mean no disrespect.

I wish I lived in Bollywood

Getting Metaphysical, Unit One: How the Universe Works


martin_john_great_day_of_his_wrath.jpgmartin_john_great_day_of_his_wrath.jpg

I’ve wanted to start this series for some time, but there was always something that pulled me away. In fact, I’ve also run into heaps of trouble just uploading this video. It’s been very strange though not unexpected given the subject matter. Some things don’t wish to be known or discussed. Please don’t hesitate to ask me questions about this material—it can be daunting to understand if you’re a novice just starting out.

Getting Metaphysical, Unit One: How the Universe Works

I’ve wanted to start this series for some time, but there was always something that pulled me away. In fact, I’ve also run into heaps of trouble just uploading this video. It’s been very strange though not unexpected given the subject matter. Some things don’t wish to be known or discussed. Please don’t hesitate to ask me questions about this material—it can be daunting to understand if you’re a novice just starting out.

Illusion by Paula Volsky: Chapter Eleven


stormbastille.jpgstormbastille.jpg

Eliste finally succumbs to Feronte’s summons, and their assignation takes a shocking turn. Meanwhile, the defenses of the Beviere itself are crushed, while the Exalted within attempt to escape the teeming hoard that is determined to speak with King Dunulas.

Illusion by Paula Volsky: Chapter Eleven

Eliste finally succumbs to Feronte’s summons, and their assignation takes a shocking turn. Meanwhile, the defenses of the Beviere itself are crushed, while the Exalted within attempt to escape the teeming hoard that is determined to speak with King Dunulas.

Tarot Tuesday Week of June 23, 2020


I totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this weekI totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

I totally forgot to post this one, and it’s really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

An utter lack of discipline followed my strange week of pain, apparently, and my workflow fell apart. Ah, well. Hopefully, you’re also subscribed to my YouTube Channel (and if you’re not, you should be).

This reading was focused and powerful, as well as really positive. I see good things coming our way—

Suspiciously Arreligious People


religion.jpgreligion.jpg


I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

There’s a certain manner, a certain niceness, and yet a specific insistence that they do not believe in any sort of spirit/beyond/God principle/scripture, regardless of whether or not they experienced any sort of religious upbringing or had done any kind of spiritual searching themselves at any point of time in their lives.

There are a few YouTubers I can think of, in particular in the home cleaning/home decorating/meal prepping space that come to mind. These are usually women, but not always—there are a few men, but in these instances, they’re more likely to be auto detailing than home cleaning videos. Meal prepping could go either way.

There’s an utter wholesomeness to these videos, which is part of the appeal for me, quite frankly. And yet, they are suspiciously devoid of any religious artifacts in the background, no casual religious magazines or books lying on the coffee table that might catch the eye. No, the makers of these videos want to ensure the widest possible appeal, and I can’t say I blame them. But their sweet demeanor surely is their tell.

It must be. Nobody is that nice and sweet just because these days.

Are they?

Donate

Tarot Tuesday Week of June 23, 2020

I totally forgot to post this one, and it’s really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

An utter lack of discipline followed my strange week of pain, apparently, and my workflow fell apart. Ah, well. Hopefully, you’re also subscribed to my YouTube Channel (and if you’re not, you should be).

This reading was focused and powerful, as well as really positive. I see good things coming our way—

Suspiciously Arreligious People

I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

There’s a certain manner, a certain niceness, and yet a specific insistence that they do not believe in any sort of spirit/beyond/God principle/scripture, regardless of whether or not they experienced any sort of religious upbringing or had done any kind of spiritual searching themselves at any point of time in their lives.

There are a few YouTubers I can think of, in particular in the home cleaning/home decorating/meal prepping space that come to mind. These are usually women, but not always—there are a few men, but in these instances, they’re more likely to be auto detailing than home cleaning videos. Meal prepping could go either way.

There’s an utter wholesomeness to these videos, which is part of the appeal for me, quite frankly. And yet, they are suspiciously devoid of any religious artifacts in the background, no casual religious magazines or books lying on the coffee table that might catch the eye. No, the makers of these videos want to ensure the widest possible appeal, and I can’t say I blame them. But their sweet demeanor surely is their tell.

It must be. Nobody is that nice and sweet just because these days.

Are they?

Tarot Tuesday: Week of June 16, 2020

Hello Bandmates! I do a simple 3-card reading again this week for you from my beloved Thoth deck to get a sense of what the upcoming week might hold for us.

Hope you’re all staying safe and well! Bright blessings and much love to you all!

Illusion, by Paula Volsky: Chapter Ten


pexels-photo-2833366.jpgpexels-photo-2833366.jpg

What starts as the narrow escape of Shorvi Nirienne in the Eighth District, turns into a demonstration and then a full march of the people of Shereen upon the gates of the Beviaire, and we see The Crowd Queller use his terrifying device.

Illusion, by Paula Volsky: Chapter Ten

What starts as the narrow escape of Shorvi Nirienne in the Eighth District, turns into a demonstration and then a full march of the people of Shereen upon the gates of the Beviaire, and we see The Crowd Queller use his terrifying device.

Republicans Come Out Against Trump


pexels-photo-129112.jpegpexels-photo-129112.jpeg

This is a tremendous win for the Biden campaign, and a huge loss for Trump. It’s awesome to know that there are GOP members who will stand up for what’s right.

Republicans Come Out Against Trump

This is a tremendous win for the Biden campaign, and a huge loss for Trump. It’s awesome to know that there are GOP members who will stand up for what’s right.

Tarot Tuesday: Week of May 5, 2020

A simple 3-card spread for you this week to highlight the main areas of focus.
Card 1: the main focus for this week
Card 2: the main issue or blockage this week
Card 3: the main gift for this week

This was a very beautiful reading for me to give, and very fulfilling, so please let me know if it helped you or what you thought of it in the comments.

Tarot Tuesday: Week of April 28, 2020

Join me as I lay out a Celtic Cross for us all to see what the upcoming week might hold. This is the first of what will be a regular feature on my YouTube Channel, so you’ll want to subscribe to keep abreast of my readings over there. Next week, I plan to do it live, and you won’t want to miss that one! I’ll also work in subscriber questions in the future.

Hope you’re all staying safe and well! Bright blessings and much love to you all!

Vloggy Vlog & chitty chatty chit chat

Yes, I know I look a mess. Get used to it.

How are you holding up these days? It’s Day #[mumble] for us of our Seltzer-In-Place (it’s a bit over a month, and yes, I can look it up, but for some reason it’s taking me all day to upload this video.)

Come hang out with me for a bit while I sip some morning tea and chat about the shelter-in-place, how I got my name, what the deal with my bathrobe is, and a few other things.

Reconfiguration: Original Song by Auryaun (new video version)


stoyOfSwallow-spotofyBanner.pngstoyOfSwallow-spotofyBanner.png

I’m excited to bring you a new video version of this, as I get closer to the release of my upcoming EP, “The Story of Swallow”. It’s taken me years to release this material, and I’ve felt stagnant as an artist all this time, so getting the album out is cathartic for me.

“Reconfiguration” was one of the first songs I wrote for the album, and it centered around the medieval flute sample used in the hook. The rest of the track grew from there.

The lyrics sing about the changes you have to make within yourself to get past an issue or blockage so you can move forward in your life. We all have internal boundaries of one kind or another, and not all of them are helpful to our personal growth. Sometimes, we outgrow the ones we used to need, and we must reconfigure (our thinking or our feeling) to move past them.

Other times, they involve attachments to other people or places that we can’t seem to let go of, no matter how hard we think we are trying to.

All of this is contained within this song. I hope you feel as hopeful about it as I do. Repeat after me: Be the light in the darkness!

Reconfiguration: Original Song by Auryaun (new video version)

I’m excited to bring you a new video version of this, as I get closer to the release of my upcoming EP, “The Story of Swallow”. It’s taken me years to release this material, and I’ve felt stagnant as an artist all this time, so getting the album out is cathartic for me.

“Reconfiguration” was one of the first songs I wrote for the album, and it centered around the medieval flute sample used in the hook. The rest of the track grew from there.

The lyrics sing about the changes you have to make within yourself to get past an issue or blockage so you can move forward in your life. We all have internal boundaries of one kind or another, and not all of them are helpful to our personal growth. Sometimes, we outgrow the ones we used to need, and we must reconfigure (our thinking or our feeling) to move past them.

Other times, they involve attachments to other people or places that we can’t seem to let go of, no matter how hard we think we are trying to.

All of this is contained within this song. I hope you feel as hopeful about it as I do. Repeat after me: Be the light in the darkness!

Confession Booth | Vloggy update and general chit chat

Just a short update on what’s been going on, along with my plans for this Channel. I really hope to start things back up again, this time with more regular content. Let know what you might be interested in seeing,

Just catching up. Hadn’t created a new video in a long time

Mary I’m the Bull | original song by Auryaun

This is a song I wrote in 1996 that I want to share with you here. I think the lyrics speak for themselves. Enjoy!

Moosic Loops | For Flash Videos (bye-bye Flash…)

These are a series of loops I created for use in Flash videos. Each loop was designed to either play continuously through a video or simply fade. I hope you enjoy them.

(Let’s drink a farewell toast to Flash…ah, my good friend, you shall be missed. Badger badger badger badger MUSHroom MUSHroom)

Imma miss Flash…

Picture Postcards | Acoustic Version: an Original Song by Auryaun

One of my most recent songs, written in early summer of 2009 (songwriting isn’t a quick process for me) while I was recording “i am me/am i not?”. This track didn’t make it on the album and I’ve wanted to share it with you for some time. I plan to include it on my next release, but in a fuller version. For now, here it is stripped-down for you.

The words are meant to evoke a post-apocalyptic scene to describe loss, heartache and abandonment.

Your picture postcards in your zoetrope…

Confession Booth #6 | Tales from the road: Where I talk about insomnia and gratitude

Made using YouTube Capture

Confession Booth #5(?) | Losing count

Made this one via YouTube Capture. I got really comfortable recording these in my car (my “confession booth”), and I was using an app on my phone to record and upload these, but there wasn’t a great interface at the tie to give much of a description–I’m trying to add that info now, but it’s not the best.

Enter the confessional with me

The Tightness Within, New Version: an Original Song by Auryaun

Wow. Pigtails. That’s a…look.

Around late 2011, I felt that this song was a bit incomplete, so I wrote an intro verse. I’m no longer sure I like it, but here it is for you to ponder and/or enjoy. Or not. No obligations.

I’m still incredibly frustrated with myself as a musician. It’s a passion for me, but I feel that I lack something essential in order to really reach people. In order to consistently touch them with my music. It doesn’t help that I was raised in a family of musicians who were fabulous at their chosen instruments, so I felt compelled to go in an entirely different direction and learn how to paint instead. I’m a highly trained visual artist. I can render nearly any image in pencil, pen, charcoal, comté crayon, pastel, oil pastel, watercolor, colored pencil, or some combination of those listed. It took me a long time to realize that visual art is 10% learning the technique of the tool, and 90% learning how to see. Oh, and of course I’ve played with software and can use Illustrator and Photoshop skillfully.

Oh, here’s my Flickr page of artwork so you can decide if I’m just a blowhard.

So what does all of that have to do with this video? Good question! I have no idea.

Except perhaps to say that I really try to hone and refine what little skill I have in songwriting, as it’s what lights a fire in my being. I’m hoping to soon rekindle this light within me by re-posting all these old songs and such and to get back to making music again.

As always, let me know what you think. Do you get inspired by music? Do you have a favorite artist?

The Tightness Within, New Version: an Original Song by Auryaun

pexels-photo-3643291.jpegpexels-photo-3643291.jpeg

Wow. Pigtails. That’s a…look.

Around late 2011, I felt that this song was a bit incomplete, so I wrote an intro verse. I’m no longer sure I like it, but here it is for you to ponder and/or enjoy. Or not. No obligations.

I’m still incredibly frustrated with myself as a musician. It’s a passion for me, but I feel that I lack something essential in order to really reach people. In order to consistently touch them with my music. It doesn’t help that I was raised in a family of musicians who were fabulous at their chosen instruments, so I felt compelled to go in an entirely different direction and learn how to paint instead. I’m a highly trained visual artist. I can render nearly any image in pencil, pen, charcoal, comté crayon, pastel, oil pastel, watercolor, colored pencil, or some combination of those listed. It took me a long time to realize that visual art is 10% learning the technique of the tool, and 90% learning how to see. Oh, and of course I’ve played with software and can use Illustrator and Photoshop skillfully.

Oh, here’s my Flickr page of artwork so you can decide if I’m just a blowhard.

So what does all of that have to do with this video? Good question! I have no idea.

Except perhaps to say that I really try to hone and refine what little skill I have in songwriting, as it’s what lights a fire in my being. I’m hoping to soon rekindle this light within me by re-posting all these old songs and such and to get back to making music again.

As always, let me know what you think. Do you get inspired by music? Do you have a favorite artist?

Confession Booth: General Update

Where I chat about how I do my recording

It’s nearing the end of summer 2011, and I still hadn’t finished my EP due to my chronic pain condition. All I had managed to do was color my hair to try and move away from the black dye I’d put on it a few years prior. For those of you aware of hair color, you know that’s pretty much impossible.

Do you ever set interim goals throughout the year? Do you prefer to set New Year’s resolutions? Let me know what you think.

Confession Booth: General Update

pexels-photo-130850.jpegpexels-photo-130850.jpeg

Where I chat about how I do my recording

It’s nearing the end of summer 2011, and I still hadn’t finished my EP due to my chronic pain condition. All I had managed to do was color my hair to try and move away from the black dye I’d put on it a few years prior. For those of you aware of hair color, you know that’s pretty much impossible.

Do you ever set interim goals throughout the year? Do you prefer to set New Year’s resolutions? Let me know what you think.

The Tightness Within: an Original Song by Auryaun

Do you like my sexy hat?

I went through a long period of time without singing. At all. Quite a few years, actually. Then a couple of my friends asked me to sing at their wedding, and I couldn’t imagine singing effectively unaccompanied, and I’m not a good enough guitarist to learn a piece written by someone else, so I felt obliged (and honored, of course) to write a piece for them.

This is not that piece.

This song was written a couple of days after the wedding, when I was made to confront my feelings of deep isolation and general strangeness. At the same time, I had also recently discovered that I had some kind of sense of connection to the story of Emily Dickinson. I had recently seen an interesting work performed by a supposed “expert” on Dickinson, and while the piece was certainly powerful, as I watched I kept feeling as though I was “off” or “wrong”, and I couldn’t understand why that would be, since at the time I knew nothing of the author except a fraction of one of her most famous poems.

I’m not a fan of poetry. I like lyrics.

So, anyway, I ended up researching Dickinson after I saw the work, and her story clung to me and somehow infused this song also.

I’d like to definitively state that this song is not about her. I’m not sure whom the song is about. Possibly me? Probably me.

Let me know what you think.

The Tightness Within: an Original Song by Auryaun

pexels-photo-986831.jpegpexels-photo-986831.jpeg

Do you like my sexy hat?

I went through a long period of time without singing. At all. Quite a few years, actually. Then a couple of my friends asked me to sing at their wedding, and I couldn’t imagine singing effectively unaccompanied, and I’m not a good enough guitarist to learn a piece written by someone else, so I felt obliged (and honored, of course) to write a piece for them.

This is not that piece.

This song was written a couple of days after the wedding, when I was made to confront my feelings of deep isolation and general strangeness. At the same time, I had also recently discovered that I had some kind of sense of connection to the story of Emily Dickinson. I had recently seen an interesting work performed by a supposed “expert” on Dickinson, and while the piece was certainly powerful, as I watched I kept feeling as though I was “off” or “wrong”, and I couldn’t understand why that would be, since at the time I knew nothing of the author except a fraction of one of her most famous poems.

I’m not a fan of poetry. I like lyrics.

So, anyway, I ended up researching Dickinson after I saw the work, and her story clung to me and somehow infused this song also.

I’d like to definitively state that this song is not about her. I’m not sure whom the song is about. Possibly me? Probably me.

Let me know what you think.

In The Morning: an Original Song by Auryaun

I call this a “wake-a-bye”. Is that ridiculous? If so, it’s totally on-brand for me!

This song was originally written back in the mid-90’s, and the guitar I wrote it on had a warped neck (which I never realized, because at the time, my ear just wasn’t trained enough to be able to hear it. Le sigh.) So while I’m putting this out here in the world, the vocal melody has serious issues, since this guitar has fantastic intonation. I like the sentiment of the song, the lyrics, the strum pattern…but, yeah. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to re-work this so that it can actually…work.

The recording above was also done around 2009, before I got my new camera. I’m not sure the off-shoulder blouse was a good decision, either. But, hey, let me know your thoughts.

In The Morning: an Original Song by Auryaun

pexels-photo-1076429.jpegpexels-photo-1076429.jpeg

I call this a “wake-a-bye”. Is that ridiculous? If so, it’s totally on-brand for me!

This song was originally written back in the mid-90’s, and the guitar I wrote it on had a warped neck (which I never realized, because at the time, my ear just wasn’t trained enough to be able to hear it. Le sigh.) So while I’m putting this out here in the world, the vocal melody has serious issues, since this guitar has fantastic intonation. I like the sentiment of the song, the lyrics, the strum pattern…but, yeah. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to re-work this so that it can actually…work.

The recording above was also done around 2009, before I got my new camera. I’m not sure the off-shoulder blouse was a good decision, either. But, hey, let me know your thoughts.

Confession Booth: Sleepless in Silicon Valley

The first little bit of silence was originally a song I had playing on the car stereo that I had to strip out

Come, my friends! Come hear my tales of woe and insomnia! Is it just me? It’s been a lifelong issue for me of one kind or another, and I more or less have just made peace with it these days, which seems to have put the beast to rest. It sleeps when I sleep, essentially. We have our own corners, and we tend to keep to our own area now.

Confession Booth: Sleepless in Silicon Valley

pexels-photo-3694016.jpegpexels-photo-3694016.jpeg

The first little bit of silence was originally a song I had playing on the car stereo that I had to strip out

Come, my friends! Come hear my tales of woe and insomnia! Is it just me? It’s been a lifelong issue for me of one kind or another, and I more or less have just made peace with it these days, which seems to have put the beast to rest. It sleeps when I sleep, essentially. We have our own corners, and we tend to keep to our own area now.

Blood and Stars: an Original Song by Auryaun

Pardon the image quality, this was the old iSight camera and it had become fogged

Written around 2009, this is a song about obsession and boundaries. I’m not the greatest guitarist, so my arrangements when I’m playing acoustically tend to be simple. I rely heavily on my vocals and lyrics to make the song convey the meaning. I hope you enjoy it.

I have an entire YouTube Channel and will be sharing a lot of content I’ve made there over to here. For the time being, it will be older videos, as I’ve started a brand-new channel, but as I catch up I’ll be making squealy-fresh videos for you to enjoy.

Let me know what you think of this and what kinds of things you might like to see.