Where Has the Year Gone?


Adages exist for a reason, I suppose, but this is ridiculous. I’ve been under lockdown since early March, and here it is, nearly mid-November…

I tend to be somewhat of a shut-in, anyway, but my daughter turned to me this morning and announced the simple fact that it would be her birthday in a few days, and while I knew this was true and had been making plans to cook her a nice breakfast that day (scratch waffles and chicken-apple sausages with fresh coffee and tea for the curious) I was caught short for a moment and had to look at the year.

I started up this blog right about the time our lockdown started, just to give myself some goals and deadline to think of. At first, I kept to them, but of course my illness and chronic pain have given me many lapses, and I’m okay with that. It’s still been nice to have goals and things to do.

Like transferring this blog over to a new provider. I like Squarespace much better than WordPress and that surprises me. I never thought that would be the case. But here we are.

I also restarted my YouTube Channel, which I have a love/hate relationship with. It’s supposed to be about getting views, right? And I don’t really get that many views, even thought I have all the keywords, and I have a custom end screen, and I do info cards, and all the tips and stuff. The only thing I don’t do it the one thing that YouTube says it wants, which is a regular upload schedule.

But that’s kind of a lie, too. I don’t have an engaging enough personality and a cute enough face or something—there are adorable young creators, and even adorable old creators on there that get rather huge followings…

So I have to just tell myself I’m doing it for myself, and be satisfied with that. Maybe.


Hell, even doing this blog doesn’t net me much attention. I have a very small mailing list that I’ve been managing through MailChimp, which I’m going to switch over to Squarespace as well, but I seldom get any opens, much less any reads, even from my family. So, there’s that.

My brother mentioned he wanted to move his website over to Squarespace, and I told him I could help him with that, but he said he wanted this friend of his to do it, because she’s a professional graphic designer. It’s as if he’s forgotten what I did for 20 years. Or he didn’t think much of my work at the time. It’s…strange.

I get the same reaction when it comes to my music. I tell people I know about my album, and for some reason they just kind of go, “Hey, good for you.” It’s the equivalent of a nice pat on the head. Like, “look at you doing a sweet hobby like that—and you even published it! How brave!

Frankly, it’s insulting as fuck. Why do people always think so little of me? Is it my modesty? Do I have to brag, and brag, and brag, just to get people to sit up and pay attention? Maybe I need to start putting out press releases and shit. I just don’t really know how to do PR—I never did. I did the graphic design part of marketing, and copywriting. I didn’t do the PR part…UGH!

CLEARLY this has been to my detriment. I guess I need to fix this.

Time to Do A Little Catching Up


Don’t let those doe eyes and that cheeky smile fool youDon’t let those doe eyes and that cheeky smile fool you

Don’t let those doe eyes and that cheeky smile fool you

I realize I haven’t been around much lately, especially on my YouTube Channel, so I’ve recorded a vloggy vlog to let you know how things have been going lately. Hope you’ve been well. Check it out and leave a note in the comments to let me know you you’ve been. I think all of us are struggling with some kind of COVID blues at this point, so if you’re going stir-crazy, let’s talk about it.

I’ve not been doing terribly well. Don’t let that delightful face up there fool you—I’ve been in a deep depression since my mom died. But I’m dealing with it. I’m doing all the thinking and processing of grief that one is supposed to be doing, in my own special, albeit dark and seemingly bleak manner. I tend to hit these things head-on and then drown in them, spiritually, and if you were too see me in the spirit realm, all you’d see is one hand, flailing around above the waters of terrordarkness and every now and then my head would pop up, gasping for air, and I’d gurgle, “I’m okay!”, before sort of slowly sinking back down into the swampiness.

It’s so much fun.

But needful, I daresay.

Please join my Patreon so we can chat about all these distressing times on my Discord. We’ve got a blossoming community over there and it’s the perfect place you make your voice heard.

As always, I bid you love and peace.

Time to Do A Little Catching Up

I realize I haven’t been around much lately, especially on my YouTube Channel, so I recording a vloggy vlog to let you know how things have been going lately. Hope you’ve been well. Check it out and leave a note in the comments to let me know you you’ve been.

A Treatise on The Wonder That Is Poppy (The Musician, Not the Flower)


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This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for some time, but it’s actually great that I’ve waited, because this incredible woman has changed so much over time this post can be a much more interesting journey than it would have been initially.

I haven’t talked about other people’s music on here yet, though I used to do that a lot on my original “auryaun” blog. If you aren’t familiar yet with Poppy, grab your favorite beverage and sit back for a bit, because this is going to be a wonderful and strange ride. There will be plenty of video links as well, so buckle-up!

The Beginning

Poppy started out as “That Poppy” when I came to know her online around 2014 on YouTube. Spending hours and hours on YouTube finding various rabbit holes to go down has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I’d have to say the era between 2010–2015 was the best time to do so, as the algorithm gave the wackiest recommendations back then. Now, it seems to be pretty rigid unless you’re rigorous about deleting your watch history.

Her first video was just Poppy saying her name, over and over again in a video titled, I’m Poppy. She and her creative partner, Titanic Sinclair (we’ll get into him a bit later) hadn’t quite found the right voice for her yet. This one has over 25M views so far. Enjoy, if you can stand to watch the whole thing.

Her original Channel, That Poppy no longer exists. VEVO has ThatPoppyVEVO with a handful of videos, but all of her original videos are on her Poppy Channel. Note the difference between the sweet face you see before you and creepy profile pic above. This post will cover that as well.

Her Channel evolved into a huge series of short videos of her interacting with the camera or the space of the studio, or sometimes a plant, another version of herself, or a mannequin named Charlotte, with Poppy always speaking in a very soft voice (ASMR anyone? No? Just me?) with eerie keyboard music playing in the background. Her costumes tended to Kawaii, which is the Japanese culture of cuteness, which over time became exaggerated regarding her clothing choices, as if to suggest she was more Kawaii than Kawaii itself. The scripts were also satirical in nature when it came to current cultural trends, especially in terms of our obsession with fame and money, or the commercialization of pop artists.

You get the idea. The main conceit behind all of this was to suggest that Poppy wasn’t a real person but rather a being generated out of the internet. In interviews, she would dodge questions that would attempt to get her to answer as if she were “real”.

Her Partner: Titanic Sinclair

Now let’s switch gears for a moment and take a look at Titanic Sinclair. He used to be part of a musical group known as Mars Argo, and had a site/Channel known as GroceryBagDotTV. As of now, it looks like Mars Argo, Sinclair’s former girlfriend whose name they used for the project, has several videos there, but there used to be hundreds of them. GroceryBagDotTVTest exists but there are only three videos left. Not sure if that’s being run by Sinclair himself. Let’s take a peekie at what’s on the latter, shall we?

Delete Your Facebook is a great video, which is probably why they’ve both decided to leave it up. It’s random and inspired and has a kind of innocence to it. I don’t know at what point their relationship was here—as it apparently devolved into a hateful one later—but here it feels easy and relaxed. The fact that they were seeing issues with Facebook as early as 2014 is pretty eye-opening as well.

Unfortunately, on Titanic Sinclair’s Channel, he’s deleted most of his videos and only has around 6 or 7 at this moment in time. Poo. None of them will show you what I was hoping to show, which is how he was posturing himself in counterpoint to what Poppy was doing at the time, but this makes sense since they’re no longer working together either—another pattern, Sir?—at least you’re consistent I guess.

This video comes the closest. He had a lot of videos like this where he was overdubbing his vocals after the fact and giving advice as a “director”. His videos always began with him saying things like, “Hi. I’m Titanic Sinclair. I’m a Director. As a Director, it’s important that [insert whatever].” His body language was generally more confident than what he’s showing here. It’s also odd that he doesn’t finish his thought but cuts it off, then overdubs and leaves the video up. Very strange.

The Former Partner: Mars Argo

Mars Argo put out a video called Everyone Just Wants It All.It’s been officially deleted, but there are still copies of it around YouTube. Hopefully, the link I found will be solid for a while. It seems that this video was the locus of loads of mocking from both Poppy and Sinclair, with various references coming up in both songs and videos they made together.

The Lawsuit

Mars Argo opened a lawsuit against both Sinclair and Poppy, stating that they had stolen her image and creative work. Things got ugly quickly. What’s most surprising to me is how long it took Argo to file suit in the first place. There appeared to be deliberate references to Mars Argo in Poppy videos and deliberate references to things Mars Argo said in her videos in Poppy videos. This post isn’t going to be about that lawsuit, as that would be a whole post in itself—I want to focus on Poppy’s creative evolution, but in order to do so I do need to at least introduce this as a topic.

Public Accusations

Going back a bit to Sinclair, we have Enough is Enough, which perhaps is his call to the press and former fans and especially Poppy fans that were spewing hate at him, as Poppy had accused him of being an abuser, just as Mars Argo had. There’s no way to know if these allegations are true or if Poppy just used this as a device to distance herself of much of the blame for the problems of the lawsuit. It was during this time that the partnership between Poppy and Sinclair ended.

Oh, and Sinclair also put out a pretty rad video at one point called Trust Fund. I love the unbridled video effects, as if someone just learned how to use [app name] and couldn’t resist using every effect available. The song makes me laugh as well. I think it gives pretty good insight into the inner workings of Sinclair’s mind—along with his choice of name, of course. Plus, he shows his songwriting chops, which you can clearly hear in Poppy’s music as she evolves.

Add to that this compilation of Computer Show videos and you get a fuller picture of Titanic Sinclair and Mars Argo and what they created in the past, and why Mars Argo felt she had a right to file suit against Sinclair and Poppy in the first place.

I’ll leave this here and let you be the judge.The Computer Show was way before its time and sadly ended too soon, apparently due to relationship and money tensions.

Anyway, the suit was settled out of court and all parties agreed to no-contact/no-harassment. Titanic Sinclair was required to delete any incriminating or personal photos he had of Mars Argo, and Poppy had to make sure she wasn’t doing anything that was a mimic of Argo’s identity.

The First Album

Poppy’s first album release was in 2016, with 3:36 Music To Sleep To. The 3:36 references one of her videos called 3:36, where she notices the time on her watch and appears worried about it. However, that video is problematic, because Mars Argo’s video (shown above) was 3:36 minutes long in the original posting. In the lawsuit, Argo felt this was part of the harassment she felt was being put upon her.

Poppy’s Evolution

Poppy’s first pop song started with Interweb, a decent track. It got enough traction to gain her more fans and generate interest to move her away from being a weird YouTube artist to being an actual artist with a greater voice and vision, which I think they’d intended all along. As it has come out in more recent news, Poppy has had multiple recording contracts over the years, but the talent reps hadn’t quite known how to develop her, which caused her a lot of frustration.

From here, she continued to make lots of videos on her Channel, getting weirder by the day. There was a cultish tone to them, which felt intentional and somewhat mocking in tone (more on that in a bit). As far as the next musical release goes, it didn’t come out for months and when it did, we got: Bleach Blonde Baby. Note the similar tone in the lighting. Not sure what they were going for there or why. Again, pretty tame pop fare, but it continued to grow her fan base.

I have to point out that her standard Channel videos by this point had her in outrageous costumes. This one is called Liberty.

She also put out a video for a track called Moshi Moshi.Interweb, Bleach Blonde Baby, and Moshi Moshiare all on her album Poppy.Computer.

And busy bee that she was right at this time she put out a longer video calledI’m Poppy. There’s also a track by that name on her album Poppy.Computer.

All of this was in the Kawaii style that she was owning full-on. I mean, she was owning it.

Right around this time though, the lawsuit hit and accusations were very public and flying. Twitter was full of it. YouTube was full of it. Everyone seemed to be taking a side. I saw many a video trying to suggest a special angle on the whole mess. And it was a huge mess. I saw people saying that Titanic was an abuser. I saw tweets saying he had threatened to kill himself if Poppy didn’t do what he wanted. I saw YouTube comments saying he had made that threat one time before a show. I mean, really nasty stuff.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Her next music video took on a distinctly different tone, and I can’t help but think it was due to the lawsuit. Her team must have been thinking: “How do we rebrand Poppy in such a way that it’s still Poppy while specifically not referencing Mars Argo in any way whatsoever that’s not going to alienate her fan base?”

Well, this is the direction they chose (and note that this is an audio only video). Metal was only ever released as a single. (I recently realized that this is a cover of the Gary Numan song from 1979.)

Wow, that’s a lot of Latex! Definitely not Kawaii, and yet still cute with the Mickey Mouse-ish ears headwear and oversized, bulbous shoulder pads. A very carefully curated look. This track was never developed into an official music video.

Her next official music video would be a work featuring Diplo, of all people. It turns out, he signed her to his record label. Who knew he had a record label? Time Is Up was released on her album Am I A Girl? I have to admit this album is a real mishmash of styles. The production values are superb, and her singing is great, but she’s an artist being given tracks to sing, and that can’t be much fun. There’s a hollowness to the album, and it must have been hard to tour it. It’s funny because sometimes there are these pounding drums and screaming guitar licks, but then other tracks have heavy techno beats. There’s one track that feels like a Spanish love song. Super weird.

The video furthers the idea that Poppy is a computer creation, and also that she holds some sort of high priestess-cult position. All the while, her non-music videos—one example below is called, Pray With Me have also been furthering this idea.

Then there are a series of odd Channel videos, and I went back-and-forth as to whether I should include them, as this post if already long. If you want to check them out, they’re there for you to see. I want to try and focus on the music as much as I can, and I’m adding these extra videos for context.

More Music

Her next music releases are audio-only. I think she was trying to drum up some A&R interest and it just didn’t pan out. Oh, and I heard that Diplo’s “record label” wasn’t a label at all. Poppy got no support, and no promotion. She just got to make that one music video with his help and that was it. Hoo-rah. What a nice guy.

Here’s where she went next, image and style-wise, with Immature Couture. This was only released as a single.

Bubblegum Pop. Not at all to my liking, but an improvement in production values and melody to what she was doing previously. There’s a lot more complexity to the track and you can hear her talent developing.

Next we have X (Audio Only Version) which did get made into a video, found lower in this post. It’s interesting to see how different the imagery in this is compared to how they approached it later. The heavy guitars are shocking to hear as well as the screamo vocals, (not to mention the lyrics!) because when you look at the content on her Channel there are four videos between the video above and this one.

WTF Poppy?! What happened in between? Apparently, Poppy and Titanic Sinclair parted ways is what happened in between. Or perhaps this is when she started dating her current fiancé, Ghostemane. Gone are the overly pop tunes and the tightly controlled image. Poppy finally had a chance to do her own writing, and in interviews she described herself as “post genre”. It sounds cool when she says it, but if I, as cool as I actually am, at the tender age of 54, were to tell someone like…oh, I dunno, Joe Rogan maybe, that I’m “post genre, baby” I would sound pretentious as fuck.

But back to our regular programming.

Breaking Out and Breaking Through

Maybe I should title this part, “Breaking Bad”.

Poppy started breaking out of her pop persona and shell, and began doing more of her own thing. According to her in one of her interviews, she was listening to a lot of screamo and metal going to and from rehearsals and other events, and became inspired by it and wanted to incorporate it into her own sound. She still managed to incorporate her pop sensibilities, and the blend was an interesting sound of sweet melodic vocals—usually Kawaii-style vocals—coupled with dark and heavy metal guitars. Baby Metal comes to mind.

Here’s a track called Play Destroyshe worked on with Grimes, though there was apparently some bad blood between them afterward. Each of them have conflicting stories about how working together went, with Poppy complaining about NDAs and Grimes complaining about Poppy being whiny and full of herself. It’s a solid track any way you slice it, but I think the ongoing lawsuit sullied the waters for both of them, which is too bad.

A Quick Break in The Timeline

Poppy’s original logo used to be a triangle with the letter “P” in the center, which no longer exists, and I suspect it was a Titanic Sinclair invention, as was the poppy.church website. The whole thing was a cute and cynical take on the music industry being part of the Illuminati, and you can see that imagery in much of her early videos.

At this point I have to quickly circle back in time to show you Lowlife, which she’s deleted from her own Channel, but is on VEVO’s. You can see all of the Illuminati symbolism they were using in her early work, as well as how much her style has changed and evolved. I have to add a few videos here where you can see how they were pushing Poppy as a religious figure to be worshiped.

Back to The Regular Timeline

Here’s the Official Video version for X, and it gives us these sweet, hippy visuals to complement the psychedelic tone and shockingly dark imagery for the heavy screamo in the mix. It also references some of those visuals from when the Poppy team was trying to make a Poppy “cult”. This track gives a little insight for what’s to come in the future, but it’s rough around the edges. It’s not as solid as what her future work would be, but the kernel of her idea is definitely there.

I can’t stand the profile pic, which I’m sure is meant to detach herself from her bubblegum pop image of the past, and to shock people—and the thumbnail is intentionally hideous.

Meanwhile, on Her YouTube Channel

Just a quick jump back to her regular programming on her Channel for a bit to show what she was putting out while these releases were taking place. Her content continued to be stranger and stranger, and her costumes became more confounding somehow. Don’t let my language make you think I don’t like it—I love every minute of this wild ride.

And Her Music Kept Evolving

Here’s a sweet little ditty titled Voicemail that you’ll want to avoid listening to alone at night in a dark house. It’s compelling. It’s entirely different from anything else I’ve heard from her so far. It was released on the EP Choke, which is mostly techno, though iTunes lists it as alternative. The whole Choke EP is fascinating to me since it’s such a complete departure from her earlier work, and she doesn’t stay in this genre at all. It’s as if after this album she’s gotten whatever she was trying to explore out of her system and just leaves it behind.

I’ve decided to skip Scary Mask, as I don’t think it adds anything as far as style evolution, but you are free to check it out and decide for yourself, of course. Some of the fans might object, as it was hyped a lot and has tons of views, but I don’t care for the track and I stick to my guns as far as adding to her musical evolution.

And the Evolution Continues

Moving on from there, she evolves again into entirely new territory. This has to be my favorite so far: Concrete. I was in the hospital during one of my bouts of having my stomach pumped due to the small bowel obstruction. This video had just come out, and I was obsessed. Like, to the the point where I’m sure the person in the other bed was disturbed by how many times I played the video over and over in the middle of the night (I was also struggling with intractable insomnia). Since I’d come in via the Emergency Room and via an ambulance, I didn’t have my headphones. I tried to play it as quietly as I could, but I noticed my roommate started to play her own music to drown me out. Fair enough, my sick friend. Fair enough.

To me, this song is a masterpiece, and the video is perfection. I’ve watched so many reaction videos to this, and I love seeing the shocked and surprised looks on people’s faces when they get to the changes in the music. I never tire of that. I also delight in sending this video to unsuspecting friends and acquaintances as a sort of litmus test—of what exactly, I’m not sure, but I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like there’s some key, something to fathom here, that I just haven’t gotten yet, but if I keep listening I’ll eventually understand. Concrete was released on the album I Disagree.

And then of course, we have the track, I Disagree, which was a continuation of her sound after Concrete. At this point, it’s starting to feel like she’s really found her sound; her footing. There’s a solidity to what she’s doing, and less of a point-and-shoot. If you listen to the whole album (and I think you should) there’s a cohesiveness that hasn’t quite been there on past releases.

I Disagree is clearly a taunt to her former handlers, failed A&R reps, and record contracts that went nowhere. She shows just how willing she is to destroy her past and move on, doing whatever is necessary to carve her own path and make her story, her music, her life in her own way, regardless of the consequences. This is her power move.

Oh, and also? Who is her costume designer?! SERIOUSLY. That person kicks ASS.

I love this song too. BLOODMONEY is also on I Disagree. The video makes me cringe a bit, only because the violence in it feels a bit too real to me and I get sympathetic pains when I watch it. But I totally get the point and I have to say I agree (no pun intended). I’d love to know how they got her to float—that part is rad.

Fill The Crown, also released on I Disagree, is Poppy’s Swan Song to her former android self, telling the world that she’s no longer going to pretend that she’s some kind of computer being and all the accouterments that go along with maintaining that image. It’s also at this point that she introduces the new man in her life, Ghostemane, who appears on this track (and I think in the video, but don’t quote me on either as I’m not certain.)

Anything Like Me seems to be clearly talking about the issues with the Mars Argo lawsuit, as well as showing the world that she’s shed entirely her former android look, with the blonde wig she’d worn for years so she wouldn’t be constantly frying her hair with bleach. [Side note: if you look at her Channel videos, you can see where that inflection point was.]

I think these are her best lyrics so far, and her delivery is flawless. It looks like they didn’t have much budget for the video, but that doesn’t bother me or detract from the song. Strike that. All of her videos have been produced on pretty lean budgets (perhaps Concrete having the largest one, what with the grave-digging part needing the most, but I think what she’s been able to do with that is awesome.

I like the creepy, dance-like moves she does. I have to admit that at this point, Mars Argo is nothing like Poppy. Poppy has surpassed Mars Argo, and certainly surpassed Kawaii by a well-trod mile, while still including that Kawaii feel at times when she wants to. Perhaps not in this track, but in others. Well done.

Sit/Stay is haunting and seems to be talking about her experiences with the music industry as a whole. There are several videos about her on YouTube (this one is particularly good) that talk about her life and how she got into the industry and how she’s paid her dues over the years. She’s paid more thanher fair share of dues, too. In this track she lays it all down. The costume is both eerie and compelling, and she seems to have quite a talent for acting, at least when it comes to her own videos.

All The Things She Said is radio-friendly alternative with Poppy getting into her upper register and belting out some gratifying high notes, which we haven’t heard in a long while. I can’t figure out if this an apology song to Mars Argo or not—perhaps it is. Or perhaps to someone else. In any case, it’s got a great hook, solid instrumentation and production values, and can easily fit in with several radio formats. It fits in well on her album too, and I love it. You can see her new logo clearly on her necklace, and it suggests the type of thing a person might do to themselves if they were into cutting, which I don’t appreciate. Perhaps that’s the target demo she’s going for now. Oh, Poppy.

KHAOS X4 is not my cup of tea. At all. I think the imagery is deliberately “spooky”—though it’s miles better than her profile pic, which I still need to talk about. This hasn’t been made into a video yet. It’s still a fairly recent release, and Sumerian Records might find some money for her to do it at some point.

If It Bleeds is a very cool track. I hope this gets made into a video. Great melody, great use of her soft voice, great guitar hooks, great synths, solid drumming. I love it to pieces. She consistently has a positive message in her songs, even if she saying things like “get me bloody”, or “chaos, chaos, chaos”. She’s always asking for peace in the world, or questioning why people have to hurt each other.

I think as an artist, she’s finally gotten to a place where she can have what she wants, which are a solid and devoted fan base that will enjoy whatever she chooses to put out, and that’s priceless, and a record company that believes in her work, which is even more priceless. As for her profile pic, this is a larger version of it:


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This is a photo of her that was clearly manipulated in some photo editor to give her all those creepy lines all over her face as if she had some amazing tattoo or paint work done. It looks cheesy to me, as if she had to go out of her way to make herself look ugly. However, I know there are a lot of people who are into body modification that would disagree with me. The more recent artwork of her (see below) is better, in that this was an actual costume look she had, and there was minor manipulation done to it.


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But what do I know? I’m just a sometimes blogger and vlogger, barely able to find vocal melodies to the songs I’m writing right now, dealing with chronic pain that keeps me from being out there, doing stuff, plus there’s my sometimes crippling social anxiety (yay). Who am I to judge anyone else’s hard work? I’m hardly her target demo. When it comes to her music, I think it’s taken an amazing turn for the better. As you can hear for yourself, it was a sudden turn at the beginning that’s become more sophisticated as it’s gone along. I haven’t included any live performance videos here (of which there are dozens), but she’s grown in that department as well.

Other Projects

This post wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t include her graphic novels, even though I really just wanted to focus on her music.


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In October of 2019, she released her first one titled, Genesis 1:: A Graphic Novel by Poppy. It comes in hardback and audiobook. Apparently, if you buy the graphic hardcover, you automatically get a digital download of her album, I Disagree.


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She also has a pre-order for another graphic novel titled, Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks), scheduled for release on October 20, 2020. Here’s a blurb from the description:

In Poppy’s Inferno our hero must fight against all that try to change her, not allowing anyone to determine how she thinks, feels or hurts, all the while trying to outwit the demons that surround her every step of the way.

Taken from Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks) Hardcover – Audiobook, October 20, 2020 Pre-Order Description

As for what she’s doing on her YouTube Channel these days, you’ll mostly find makeup tutorials of all things. For example, we have Mint Eye Look With Poppy.

There are about 20 of them so far. I’m not sure what the point is, except to make sure the algorithm knows her Channel isn’t dead, since she doesn’t have any new music releases at this time. She’s clearly discarded the old android-alone-in-a-large-space style videos, so I guess she has to have something there to keep it going. I don’t mean to sound critical of these. They just feel like throwaways to me.

P.S. I didn’t include her Music To Read To album, as I totally forgot about it but it’s great and I’ve added it to my library for just this purpose.

This woman is a wonder, and I am totally here for it.

A Treatise on The Wonder and Mystery That Is Poppy (The Musician, Not the Flower)

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for some time, but it’s actually great that I’ve waited, because this incredible woman has changed so much over time this post can be a much more interesting journey than it would have been initially.

I haven’t talked about other people’s music on here yet, though I used to do that a lot on my original “auryaun” blog. If you aren’t familiar yet with Poppy, grab your favorite beverage and sit back for a bit, because this is going to be a wonderful and strange ride. There will be plenty of video links as well, so buckle-up!

The Beginning

Poppy started out as “That Poppy” when I came to know her online around 2014 on YouTube. Spending hours and hours on YouTube finding various rabbit holes to go down has always been one of my favorite pastimes, and I’d have to say the era between 2010–2015 was the best time to do so, as the algorithm gave the wackiest recommendations back then. Now, it seems to be pretty rigid unless you’re rigorous about deleting your watch history.

Her first video was just Poppy saying her name, over and over again in a video titled, I’m Poppy. She and her creative partner, Titanic Sinclair (we’ll get into him a bit later) hadn’t quite found the right voice for her yet. This one has over 25M views so far. Enjoy, if you can stand to watch the whole thing.

Her original Channel, That Poppy no longer exists. VEVO has ThatPoppyVEVO with a handful of videos, but all of her original videos are on her Poppy Channel. Note the difference between the sweet face you see before you and creepy profile pic above. This post will cover that as well.

Her Channel evolved into a huge series of short videos of her interacting with the camera or the space of the studio, or sometimes a plant, another version of herself, or a mannequin named Charlotte, with Poppy always speaking in a very soft voice (ASMR anyone? No? Just me?) with eerie keyboard music playing in the background. Her costumes tended to Kawaii, which is the Japanese culture of cuteness, which over time became exaggerated regarding her clothing choices, as if to suggest she was more Kawaii than Kawaii itself. The scripts were also satirical in nature when it came to current cultural trends, especially in terms of our obsession with fame and money, or the commercialization of pop artists.

You get the idea. The main conceit behind all of this was to suggest that Poppy wasn’t a real person but rather a being generated out of the internet. In interviews, she would dodge questions that would attempt to get her to answer as if she were “real”.

Her Partner: Titanic Sinclair

Now let’s switch gears for a moment and take a look at Titanic Sinclair. He used to be part of a musical group known as Mars Argo, and had a site/Channel known as GroceryBagDotTV. As of now, it looks like Mars Argo, Sinclair’s former girlfriend whose name they used for the project, has several videos there, but there used to be hundreds of them. GroceryBagDotTVTest exists but there are only three videos left. Not sure if that’s being run by Sinclair himself. Let’s take a peekie at what’s on the latter, shall we?

Delete Your Facebook is a great video, which is probably why they’ve both decided to leave it up. It’s random and inspired and has a kind of innocence to it. I don’t know at what point their relationship was here—as it apparently devolved into a hateful one later—but here it feels easy and relaxed. The fact that they were seeing issues with Facebook as early as 2014 is pretty eye-opening as well.

Unfortunately, on Titanic Sinclair’s Channel, he’s deleted most of his videos and only has around 6 or 7 at this moment in time. Poo. None of them will show you what I was hoping to show, which is how he was posturing himself in counterpoint to what Poppy was doing at the time, but this makes sense since they’re no longer working together either—another pattern, Sir?—at least you’re consistent I guess.

This video comes the closest. He had a lot of videos like this where he was overdubbing his vocals after the fact and giving advice as a “director”. His videos always began with him saying things like, “Hi. I’m Titanic Sinclair. I’m a Director. As a Director, it’s important that [insert whatever].” His body language was generally more confident than what he’s showing here. It’s also odd that he doesn’t finish his thought but cuts it off, then overdubs and leaves the video up. Very strange.

The Former Partner: Mars Argo

Mars Argo put out a video called Everyone Just Wants It All. It’s been officially deleted, but there are still copies of it around YouTube. Hopefully, the link I found will be solid for a while. It seems that this video was the locus of loads of mocking from both Poppy and Sinclair, with various references coming up in both songs and videos they made together.

The Lawsuit

Mars Argo opened a lawsuit against both Sinclair and Poppy, stating that they had stolen her image and creative work. Things got ugly quickly. What’s most surprising to me is how long it took Argo to file suit in the first place. There appeared to be deliberate references to Mars Argo in Poppy videos and deliberate references to things Mars Argo said in her videos in Poppy videos. This post isn’t going to be about that lawsuit, as that would be a whole post in itself—I want to focus on Poppy’s creative evolution, but in order to do so I do need to at least introduce this as a topic.

Public Accusations

Going back a bit to Sinclair, we have Enough is Enough, which perhaps is his call to the press and former fans and especially Poppy fans that were spewing hate at him, as Poppy had accused him of being an abuser, just as Mars Argo had. There’s no way to know if these allegations are true or if Poppy just used this as a device to distance herself of much of the blame for the problems of the lawsuit. It was during this time that the partnership between Poppy and Sinclair ended.

Oh, and Sinclair also put out a pretty rad video at one point called Trust Fund. I love the unbridled video effects, as if someone just learned how to use [app name] and couldn’t resist using every effect available. The song makes me laugh as well. I think it gives pretty good insight into the inner workings of Sinclair’s mind—along with his choice of name, of course. Plus, he shows his songwriting chops, which you can clearly hear in Poppy’s music as she evolves.

Add to that this compilation of Computer Show videos and you get a fuller picture of Titanic Sinclair and Mars Argo and what they created in the past, and why Mars Argo felt she had a right to file suit against Sinclair and Poppy in the first place.

I’ll leave this here and let you be the judge.The Computer Show was way before its time and sadly ended too soon, apparently due to relationship and money tensions.

Anyway, the suit was settled out of court and all parties agreed to no-contact/no-harassment. Titanic Sinclair was required to delete any incriminating or personal photos he had of Mars Argo, and Poppy had to make sure she wasn’t doing anything that was a mimic of Argo’s identity.

The First Album

Poppy’s first album release was in 2016, with 3:36 Music To Sleep To. The 3:36 references one of her videos called 3:36, where she notices the time on her watch and appears worried about it. However, that video is problematic, because Mars Argo’s video (shown above) was 3:36 minutes long in the original posting. In the lawsuit, Argo felt this was part of the harassment she felt was being put upon her.

Poppy’s Evolution

Poppy’s first pop song started with Interweb, a decent track. It got enough traction to gain her more fans and generate interest to move her away from being a weird YouTube artist to being an actual artist with a greater voice and vision, which I think they’d intended all along. As it has come out in more recent news, Poppy has had multiple recording contracts over the years, but the talent reps hadn’t quite known how to develop her, which caused her a lot of frustration.

From here, she continued to make lots of videos on her Channel, getting weirder by the day. There was a cultish tone to them, which felt intentional and somewhat mocking in tone (more on that in a bit). As far as the next musical release goes, it didn’t come out for months and when it did, we got: Bleach Blonde Baby. Note the similar tone in the lighting. Not sure what they were going for there or why. Again, pretty tame pop fare, but it continued to grow her fan base.

I have to point out that her standard Channel videos by this point had her in outrageous costumes. This one is called Liberty.

She also put out a video for a track called Moshi Moshi. Interweb, Bleach Blonde Baby, and Moshi Moshi are all on her album Poppy.Computer.

And busy bee that she was right at this time she put out a longer video called I’m Poppy. There’s also a track by that name on her album Poppy.Computer.

All of this was in the Kawaii style that she was owning full-on. I mean, she was owning it.

Right around this time though, the lawsuit hit and accusations were very public and flying. Twitter was full of it. YouTube was full of it. Everyone seemed to be taking a side. I saw many a video trying to suggest a special angle on the whole mess. And it was a huge mess. I saw people saying that Titanic was an abuser. I saw tweets saying he had threatened to kill himself if Poppy didn’t do what he wanted. I saw YouTube comments saying he had made that threat one time before a show. I mean, really nasty stuff.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Her next music video took on a distinctly different tone, and I can’t help but think it was due to the lawsuit. Her team must have been thinking: “How do we rebrand Poppy in such a way that it’s still Poppy while specifically not referencing Mars Argo in any way whatsoever that’s not going to alienate her fan base?”

Well, this is the direction they chose (and note that this is an audio only video). Metal was only ever released as a single.

Wow, that’s a lot of Latex! Definitely not Kawaii, and yet still cute with the Mickey Mouse-ish ears headwear and oversized, bulbous shoulder pads. A very carefully curated look. This track was never developed into an official music video.

Her next official music video would be a work featuring Diplo, of all people. It turns out, he signed her to his record label. Who knew he had a record label? Time Is Up was released on her album Am I A Girl? I have to admit this album is a real mishmash of styles. The production values are superb, and her singing is great, but she’s an artist being given tracks to sing, and that can’t be much fun. There’s a hollowness to the album, and it must have been hard to tour it. It’s funny because sometimes there are these pounding drums and screaming guitar licks, but then other tracks have heavy techno beats. There’s one track that feels like a Spanish love song. Super weird.

The video furthers the idea that Poppy is a computer creation, and also that she holds some sort of high priestess-cult position. All the while, her non-music videos—one example below is called, Pray With Me have also been furthering this idea.

Then there are a series of odd Channel videos, and I went back-and-forth as to whether I should include them, as this post if already long. If you want to check them out, they’re there for you to see. I want to try and focus on the music as much as I can, and I’m adding these extra videos for context.

More Music

Her next music releases are audio-only. I think she was trying to drum up some A&R interest and it just didn’t pan out. Oh, and I heard that Diplo’s “record label” wasn’t a label at all. Poppy got no support, and no promotion. She just got to make that one music video with his help and that was it. Hoo-rah. What a nice guy.

Here’s where she went next, image and style-wise, with Immature Couture. This was only released as a single.

Bubblegum Pop. Not at all to my liking, but an improvement in production values and melody to what she was doing previously. There’s a lot more complexity to the track and you can hear her talent developing.

Next we have X (Audio Only Version) which did get made into a video, found lower in this post. It’s interesting to see how different the imagery in this is compared to how they approached it later. The heavy guitars are shocking to hear as well as the screamo vocals, (not to mention the lyrics!) because when you look at the content on her Channel there are four videos between the video above and this one.

WTF Poppy?! What happened in between? Apparently, Poppy and Titanic Sinclair parted ways is what happened in between. Or perhaps this is when she started dating her current fiancé, Ghostemane. Gone are the overly pop tunes and the tightly controlled image. Poppy finally had a chance to do her own writing, and in interviews she described herself as “post genre”. It sounds cool when she says it, but if I, as cool as I actually am, at the tender age of 54, were to tell someone like…oh, I dunno, Joe Rogan maybe, that I’m “post genre, baby” I would sound pretentious as fuck.

But back to our regular programming.

Breaking Out and Breaking Through

Maybe I should title this part, “Breaking Bad”.

Poppy started breaking out of her pop persona and shell, and began doing more of her own thing. According to her in one of her interviews, she was listening to a lot of screamo and metal going to and from rehearsals and other events, and became inspired by it and wanted to incorporate it into her own sound. She still managed to incorporate her pop sensibilities, and the blend was an interesting sound of sweet melodic vocals—usually Kawaii-style vocals—coupled with dark and heavy metal guitars. Baby Metal comes to mind.

Here’s a track called Play Destroy she worked on with Grimes, though there was apparently some bad blood between them afterward. Each of them have conflicting stories about how working together went, with Poppy complaining about NDAs and Grimes complaining about Poppy being whiny and full of herself. It’s a solid track any way you slice it, but I think the ongoing lawsuit sullied the waters for both of them, which is too bad.

A Quick Break in The Timeline

Poppy’s original logo used to be a triangle with the letter “P” in the center, which no longer exists, and I suspect it was a Titanic Sinclair invention, as was the poppy.church website. The whole thing was a cute and cynical take on the music industry being part of the Illuminati, and you can see that imagery in much of her early videos.

At this point I have to quickly circle back in time to show you Lowlife, which she’s deleted from her own Channel, but is on VEVO’s. You can see all of the Illuminati symbolism they were using in her early work, as well as how much her style has changed and evolved. I have to add a few videos here where you can see how they were pushing Poppy as a religious figure to be worshiped.

Back to The Regular Timeline

Here’s the Official Video version for X, and it gives us these sweet, hippy visuals to complement the psychedelic tone and shockingly dark imagery for the heavy screamo in the mix. It also references some of those visuals from when the Poppy team was trying to make a Poppy “cult”. This track gives a little insight for what’s to come in the future, but it’s rough around the edges. It’s not as solid as what her future work would be, but the kernel of her idea is definitely there.

I can’t stand the profile pic, which I’m sure is meant to detach herself from her bubblegum pop image of the past, and to shock people—and the thumbnail is intentionally hideous.

Meanwhile, on Her YouTube Channel

Just a quick jump back to her regular programming on her Channel for a bit to show what she was putting out while these releases were taking place. Her content continued to be stranger and stranger, and her costumes became more confounding somehow. Don’t let my language make you think I don’t like it—I love every minute of this wild ride.

And Her Music Kept Evolving

Here’s a sweet little ditty titled Voicemail that you’ll want to avoid listening to alone at night in a dark house. It’s compelling. It’s entirely different from anything else I’ve heard from her so far. It was released on the EP Choke, which is mostly techno, though iTunes lists it as alternative. The whole Choke EP is fascinating to me since it’s such a complete departure from her earlier work, and she doesn’t stay in this genre at all. It’s as if after this album she’s gotten whatever she was trying to explore out of her system and just leaves it behind.

I’ve decided to skip Scary Mask, as I don’t think it adds anything as far as style evolution, but you are free to check it out and decide for yourself, of course. Some of the fans might object, as it was hyped a lot and has tons of views, but I don’t care for the track and I stick to my guns as far as adding to her musical evolution.

And the Evolution Continues

Moving on from there, she evolves again into entirely new territory. This has to be my favorite so far: Concrete. I was in the hospital during one of my bouts of having my stomach pumped due to the small bowel obstruction. This video had just come out, and I was obsessed. Like, to the the point where I’m sure the person in the other bed was disturbed by how many times I played the video over and over in the middle of the night (I was also struggling with intractable insomnia). Since I’d come in via the Emergency Room and via an ambulance, I didn’t have my headphones. I tried to play it as quietly as I could, but I noticed my roommate started to play her own music to drown me out. Fair enough, my sick friend. Fair enough.

To me, this song is a masterpiece, and the video is perfection. I’ve watched so many reaction videos to this, and I love seeing the shocked and surprised looks on people’s faces when they get to the changes in the music. I never tire of that. I also delight in sending this video to unsuspecting friends and acquaintances as a sort of litmus test—of what exactly, I’m not sure, but I can’t seem to help myself. I feel like there’s some key, something to fathom here, that I just haven’t gotten yet, but if I keep listening I’ll eventually understand. Concrete was released on the album I Disagree.

And then of course, we have the track, I Disagree, which was a continuation of her sound after Concrete. At this point, it’s starting to feel like she’s really found her sound; her footing. There’s a solidity to what she’s doing, and less of a point-and-shoot. If you listen to the whole album (and I think you should) there’s a cohesiveness that hasn’t quite been there on past releases.

I Disagree is clearly a taunt to her former handlers, failed A&R reps, and record contracts that went nowhere. She shows just how willing she is to destroy her past and move on, doing whatever is necessary to carve her own path and make her story, her music, her life in her own way, regardless of the consequences. This is her power move.

Oh, and also? Who is her costume designer?! SERIOUSLY. That person kicks ASS.

I love this song too. BLOODMONEY is also on I Disagree. The video makes me cringe a bit, only because the violence in it feels a bit too real to me and I get sympathetic pains when I watch it. But I totally get the point and I have to say I agree (no pun intended). I’d love to know how they got her to float—that part is rad.

Fill The Crown, also released on I Disagree, is Poppy’s Swan Song to her former android self, telling the world that she’s no longer going to pretend that she’s some kind of computer being and all the accouterments that go along with maintaining that image. It’s also at this point that she introduces the new man in her life, Ghostemane, who appears on this track (and I think in the video, but don’t quote me on either as I’m not certain.)

Anything Like Me seems to be clearly talking about the issues with the Mars Argo lawsuit, as well as showing the world that she’s shed entirely her former android look, with the blonde wig she’d worn for years so she wouldn’t be constantly frying her hair with bleach. [Side note: if you look at her Channel videos, you can see where that inflection point was.]

I think these are her best lyrics so far, and her delivery is flawless. It looks like they didn’t have much budget for the video, but that doesn’t bother me or detract from the song. Strike that. All of her videos have been produced on pretty lean budgets (perhaps Concrete having the largest one, what with the grave-digging part needing the most, but I think what she’s been able to do with that is awesome.

I like the creepy, dance-like moves she does. I have to admit that at this point, Mars Argo is nothing like Poppy. Poppy has surpassed Mars Argo, and certainly surpassed Kawaii by a well-trod mile, while still including that Kawaii feel at times when she wants to. Perhaps not in this track, but in others. Well done.

Sit/Stay is haunting and seems to be talking about her experiences with the music industry as a whole. There are several videos about her on YouTube (this one is particularly good) that talk about her life and how she got into the industry and how she’s paid her dues over the years. She’s paid more than her fair share of dues, too. In this track she lays it all down. The costume is both eerie and compelling, and she seems to have quite a talent for acting, at least when it comes to her own videos.

All The Things She Said is radio-friendly alternative with Poppy getting into her upper register and belting out some gratifying high notes, which we haven’t heard in a long while. I can’t figure out if this an apology song to Mars Argo or not—perhaps it is. Or perhaps to someone else. In any case, it’s got a great hook, solid instrumentation and production values, and can easily fit in with several radio formats. It fits in well on her album too, and I love it. You can see her new logo clearly on her necklace, and it suggests the type of thing a person might do to themselves if they were into cutting, which I don’t appreciate. Perhaps that’s the target demo she’s going for now. Oh, Poppy.

KHAOS X4 is not my cup of tea. At all. I think the imagery is deliberately “spooky”—though it’s miles better than her profile pic, which I still need to talk about. This hasn’t been made into a video yet. It’s still a fairly recent release, and Sumerian Records might find some money for her to do it at some point.

If It Bleeds is a very cool track. I hope this gets made into a video. Great melody, great use of her soft voice, great guitar hooks, great synths, solid drumming. I love it to pieces. She consistently has a positive message in her songs, even if she saying things like “get me bloody”, or “chaos, chaos, chaos”. She’s always asking for peace in the world, or questioning why people have to hurt each other.

I think as an artist, she’s finally gotten to a place where she can have what she wants, which are a solid and devoted fan base that will enjoy whatever she chooses to put out, and that’s priceless, and a record company that believes in her work, which is even more priceless. As for her profile pic, this is a larger version of it:

This is a photo of her that was clearly manipulated in some photo editor to give her all those creepy lines all over her face as if she had some amazing tattoo or paint work done. It looks cheesy to me, as if she had to go out of her way to make herself look ugly. However, I know there are a lot of people who are into body modification that would disagree with me. The more recent artwork of her (see below) is better, in that this was an actual costume look she had, and there was minor manipulation done to it.

But what do I know? I’m just a sometimes blogger and vlogger, barely able to find vocal melodies to the songs I’m writing right now, dealing with chronic pain that keeps me from being out there, doing stuff, plus there’s my sometimes crippling social anxiety (yay). Who am I to judge anyone else’s hard work? I’m hardly her target demo. When it comes to her music, I think it’s taken an amazing turn for the better. As you can hear for yourself, it was a sudden turn at the beginning that’s become more sophisticated as it’s gone along. I haven’t included any live performance videos here (of which there are dozens), but she’s grown in that department as well.

Other Projects

This post wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t include her graphic novels, even though I really just wanted to focus on her music.

In October of 2019, she released her first one titled, Genesis 1:: A Graphic Novel by Poppy. It comes in hardback and audiobook. Apparently, if you buy the graphic hardcover, you automatically get a digital download of her album, I Disagree.


She also has a pre-order for another graphic novel titled, Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks), scheduled for release on October 20, 2020. Here’s a blurb from the description:

In Poppy’s Inferno our hero must fight against all that try to change her, not allowing anyone to determine how she thinks, feels or hurts, all the while trying to outwit the demons that surround her every step of the way.

Taken from Poppy’s Inferno (Landmarks) Hardcover – Audiobook, October 20, 2020 Pre-Order Description

As for what she’s doing on her YouTube Channel these days, you’ll mostly find makeup tutorials of all things. For example, we have Mint Eye Look With Poppy.

There are about 20 of them so far. I’m not sure what the point is, except to make sure the algorithm knows her Channel isn’t dead, since she doesn’t have any new music releases at this time. She’s clearly discarded the old android-alone-in-a-large-space style videos, so I guess she has to have something there to keep it going. I don’t mean to sound critical of these. They just feel like throwaways to me.

P.S. I didn’t include her Music To Read To album, as I totally forgot about it but it’s great and I’ve added it to my library for just this purpose.

This woman is a wonder, and I am totally here for it.

Hurting Is Hard When You’re Feeling Alone


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I suppose some of this could be self-imposed, but I also know much of it comes from the fact that people don’t like my bluntness. People turn away from my flavor of “authenticity”, which I put in quotes, because being authentic has become such a big thing lately, but my authentic self apparently isn’t what the folks I’m connected to seem to want. I’ve also seen that many people I was connected to on Facebook tuned me out when I was going through cancer treatment (and the struggles with SBO after) as I had to keep posting my GoFundMe just to keep myself from being homeless. While I did get State Disability benefits, they were only enough to pay for utilities, and they ran out after a few months since I’d been doing 1099 work for so many years. I didn’t get any Federal Disability until February of this year.


Did people think I was doing it for fun?Did people think I was doing it for fun?

Did people think I was doing it for fun?

I felt like a tool, having to fund raise from my hospital bed, but I had no choice. I can tell this had an effect on my Facebook friends, due to the fall in my interactions. Few people see my posts, and fewer have a response of some kind. Therefore, I deleted the app a few years ago, and I only ever go to Facebook using the web version, and that not very often. If you see anything from me, it’s because I’ve cross-posted from another app. My expectations are low as far as engagements go. If you’d like to get in touch with me the best way is via my website or Twitter. I’ve deleted Instagram, too, so I won’t get your DM there either.


I'm Queen of The World!I'm Queen of The World!

I’m Queen of The World!

While I take ownership of the outcome of what happened overall I don’t take ownership of the individuals involved and their desire to either disconnect or tune me out. Their inability to handle a person in real pain is a sign of their lack of maturity. If anything, I’m responsible for having shallow friends. I’ve yelled about my resentment over this for some time now, and I’ve decided to (mostly) be done with this, save for the fact that I’m still going through some heavy shit and I’m still alone.

So consider this my transition piece: you, the reader, real or imagined, are my friend. There! I’m officially no longer alone! I’m feeling better already.

This will still be my place to journal all of my thoughts and feelings, but I’ll stop complaining about friends. Deal? Deal.

Hurting Is Hard When You’re Feeling Alone

I suppose some of this could be self-imposed, but I also know much of it comes from the fact that people don’t like my bluntness. People turn away from my flavor of “authenticity”, which I put in quotes, because being authentic has become such a big thing lately, but my authentic self apparently isn’t what the folks I’m connected to seem to want. I’ve also seen that many people I was connected to on Facebook tuned me out when I was going through cancer treatment (and the struggles with SBO after) as I had to keep posting my GoFundMe just to keep myself from being homeless. While I did get State Disability benefits, they were only enough to pay for utilities, and they ran out after a few months since I’d been doing 1099 work for so many years. I didn’t get any Federal Disability until February of this year.

Did people think I was doing it for fun?

I felt like a tool, having to fund raise from my hospital bed, but I had no choice. I can tell this had an effect on my Facebook friends, due to the fall in my interactions. Few people see my posts, and fewer have a response of some kind. Therefore, I deleted the app a few years ago, and I only ever go to Facebook using the web version, and that not very often. If you see anything from me, it’s because I’ve cross-posted from another app. My expectations are low as far as engagements go. If you’d like to get in touch with me the best way is via my website or Twitter. I’ve deleted Instagram, too, so I won’t get your DM there either.

I’m Queen of The World!

While I take ownership of the outcome of what happened overall I don’t take ownership of the individuals involved and their desire to either disconnect or tune me out. Their inability to handle a person in real pain is a sign of their lack of maturity. If anything, I’m responsible for having shallow friends. I’ve yelled about my resentment over this for some time now, and I’ve decided to (mostly) be done with this, save for the fact that I’m still going through some heavy shit and I’m still alone.

So consider this my transition piece: you, the reader, real or imagined, are my friend. There! I’m officially no longer alone! I’m feeling better already.

This will still be my place to journal all of my thoughts and feelings, but I’ll stop complaining about friends. Deal? Deal.

Saying Goodbye is The Hardest


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I’ve been so alone for the past week, packing up my Mom’s apartment, bit by bit. With each item, memories have been getting triggered, and I’ve had to quash them lest I be overcome. There’s been so much sorting to be done: to I keep this? Do I give it away? Is this in good enough condition to be sold for charity?

It’s been a slower process than I’d like, and it’s led to long days primarily on my feet, on low pile carpets, as this was a wheelchair accessible apartment. I ache in both body and mind, and all I want at this point is a hot bath in Epsom salt, hearing New Age music in the background, and perhaps that sweet voice saying, “Calgon, take me away…”


This should be me right nowThis should be me right now

This should be me right now

My brother flew in last night and was dismayed by what he saw for two reasons: he’s not a seasoned moving warrior, like me—I’ve moved easily 50 times and probably more if I actually go and recount them, and 2) much of the “stuff” he saw laying about wasn’t leaving with us. The only real issues we had to face together were the collectibles that had to still be packed, which were small and delicate, and the rare books, which were quickly parsed out. Even so, packing those up took a few hours, and he and I had both already had long days—I doing my various task-switching, with organizing stacks, packing boxes, deep cleaning again, as my Mom had terrible psoriatic arthritis, and, sadly, there were flecks of skin everywhere and in everything. I know she was embarrassed by this, so I’m not trying to shame her or anyone whom has suffered with this illness by bringing this in the open, merely that I had to keep stopping to do so much cleaning due to the nature of what had occurred.


Because I've just been sitting around, you know, bloggingBecause I've just been sitting around, you know, blogging

Because I’ve just been sitting around, you know, blogging

The apartment won’t be empty when we leave, which will also feel strange. I love this complex so much, I’m going to put myself on the (long) waiting list. I heard it’s 62+, though my Mom had told me it was 55+. I think she was thinking of her old condo complex, so that’s…boo. I find myself wishing I had a reason to come back here. While I do still have family in town and I’m going to work harder on staying close, a huge connection has been severed.

I thought I never loved Phoenix.

Saying Goodbye is The Hardest

I’ve been so alone for the past week, packing up my Mom’s apartment, bit by bit. With each item, memories have been getting triggered, and I’ve had to quash them lest I be overcome. There’s been so much sorting to be done: to I keep this? Do I give it away? Is this in good enough condition to be sold for charity?

It’s been a slower process than I’d like, and it’s led to long days primarily on my feet, on low pile carpets, as this was a wheelchair accessible apartment. I ache in both body and mind, and all I want at this point is a hot bath in Epsom salt, hearing New Age music in the background, and perhaps that sweet voice saying, “Calgon, take me away…”

This should be me right now

My brother flew in last night and was dismayed by what he saw for two reasons: he’s not a seasoned moving warrior, like me—I’ve moved easily 50 times and probably more if I actually go and recount them, and 2) much of the “stuff” he saw laying about wasn’t leaving with us. The only real issues we had to face together were the collectibles that had to still be packed, which were small and delicate, and the rare books, which were quickly parsed out. Even so, packing those up took a few hours, and he and I had both already had long days—I doing my various task-switching, with organizing stacks, packing boxes, deep cleaning again, as my Mom had terrible psoriatic arthritis, and, sadly, there were flecks of skin everywhere and in everything. I know she was embarrassed by this, so I’m not trying to shame her or anyone whom has suffered with this illness by bringing this in the open, merely that I had to keep stopping to do so much cleaning due to the nature of what had occurred.

Because I’ve just been sitting around, you know, blogging

The apartment won’t be empty when we leave, which will also feel strange. I love this complex so much, I’m going to put myself on the (long) waiting list. I heard it’s 62+, though my Mom had told me it was 55+. I think she was thinking of her old condo complex, so that’s…boo. I find myself wishing I had a reason to come back here. While I do still have family in town and I’m going to work harder on staying close, a huge connection has been severed.

I thought I never loved Phoenix.

It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better: The Messy Business of Moving Out


pexels-photo-4246205.jpegpexels-photo-4246205.jpeg

If you’ve been keeping up on my blog at all, you’ll know that my Mom recently passed away. I came to her apartment in Phoenix to help her with her health issues. They quickly spiraled out of control and she had to be moved to an in-patient facility. While we initially thought she’d be there just a few days until she was stabilized, she just kept getting worse until she died.

It was so sad.

So here I am, at her former apartment. It’s a gorgeous complex. I’m trying to clear out all the shmutz and get ready to pack it all up. It has to be done by the end of this week.


Just one view of the controlled chaos that is currently my life.  Also, my Mom had a penchant for white sofas for some reason.Just one view of the controlled chaos that is currently my life.  Also, my Mom had a penchant for white sofas for some reason.

Just one view of the controlled chaos that is currently my life.
Also, my Mom had a penchant for white sofas for some reason.

It’s been hard to sleep. Not only because I’m technically grieving—I did actually cry a bit last night, and I felt some relief. I grieve slowly, always. But doing this type of work is slow. I have to evaluate the usefulness of every piece of stuff I encounter and decide if I should keep it, toss it, or give it away. The storage space is minimal in this place, but Mom managed to squirrel away a shocking amount of…stuff. Like, two Magic Bullets, the original model and the updated one, clearly neither one much used. There were two immersion mixers, both a slow cooker and an Instant Pot (that one I’m taking home!) two AppleTVs…and so on.

It’s been quite the adventure.

Of course, there are many not-so-useful things, or things that are useful but that I don’t personally need. These will be sold at the estate sale, the proceeds of which will be given to a charity stated in her Will.


img_0339.jpegimg_0339.jpeg

In the distance, the candelabra reveals the fact that it’s been sitting in the window in the Arizona heat

I managed to get through all of the cabinets by today, which was my goal. All that’s left are the desk drawers. They’re quite small. There won’t be much trash there. After that, it’s just her clothes in the closet, dresser and highboy, most of which will go to Goodwill. This will be very simple and I don’t expect it to drain me too much. I’m so tired each day. I pass out by 10:00 PM, but then I wake up around 3:30 AM and can’t get back to sleep. It’s frustrating. I don’t feel rested at that point. I’m a pro at managing my insomnia though, and I either ruminate or meditate for the next 6–7 hours and get up around 2:30 PM. I have to make sure I don’t overdo things. My Mom’s bed is considerably more comfortable than what they had at the care facility, thus I’m not waking up feeling like I’ve been beaten with a stick. That’s a blessing. I wish I could say the same for my feet.


Here we see stacks of things we plan to keepHere we see stacks of things we plan to keep

Here we see stacks of things we plan to keep

In 2005, my Mom had a terrible incident with flesh-eating bacteria on the back of her right leg. By the time it was discovered, they had to remove most of her right calf and a good portion of her right hamstring. She was never the same afterward.

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll recall my reference to her Will, also dated 2005.

Her only child who remained by her side during this trauma and her long recuperation, was her local child. It made sense. Her resentment was immature, yet not unexpected.

I was a single mother, and after looking for work for a long time, I’d finally found a job. I was still under probation when this had occurred, as well as being under one of our many speaking moratoriums that we’ve had over the years. I won’t bore you with the details of this instance—or perhaps that will be the subject of another blog post.

I got updates about Mom on a regular basis. I wanted to know how she was doing. I had no idea how bad it was. About a year later I ditched by old beater for a new car so I could confidently make the trip with a kid affordably (two tanks of gas versus two plane tickets? Heck yeah!) and I saw the wounds. It was horrifying. Half of the back of her leg was gone. They’d had to take skin grafts from her backside to cover her leg. There was a part, right at the back of the knee, that they didn’t cover adequately. They didn’t compensate properly for the movement required in that area. She was never able to properly stretch or bend her leg. She walked with a cane for a few years, but eventually ended-up needing a walker.

Side note: Having used a walker myself when I was on chemo, I can safely say that everyone you see in public is using their walker totally wrong. Look next time. You’ll see them hunched over, unbalanced, their weight in front of them. It’s terribly unsafe. I was taught that you need to stand up straight, arms at your sides. If you can’t have them at your sides, your walker is at the wrong height for you. They’re adjustable and your weight should be centered so you don’t fall. This is why you see so many hip and shoulder surgeries.


Here we have the fullest picture of the badly controlled chaos that is my lifeHere we have the fullest picture of the badly controlled chaos that is my life

Here we have the fullest picture of the badly controlled chaos that is my life

The reason this matters is because her apartment is accessible, and while it has more floor space, the carpet pile is non-existent. It’s hard on the feet and each day I find myself nearly wincing off to bed. I know, poor me.

The next step is fairly simple, and then I start building boxes and packing ’em up. While it looks like gobs of stuff, when I break it down in my mind, it’s really not that much. I unpacked her when she first moved in and I remember it was pretty easy, though she felt overwhelmed. However, I’m an old pro when it comes to moving, and I’m not easily intimidated by such things.

Not any more.

It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better: The Messy Business of Moving Out

If you’ve been keeping up on my blog at all, you’ll know that my Mom recently passed away. I came to her apartment in Phoenix to help her with her health issues. They quickly spiraled out of control and she had to be moved to an in-patient facility. While we initially thought she’d be there just a few days until she was stabilized, she just kept getting worse until she died.

It was so sad.

So here I am, at her former apartment. It’s a gorgeous complex. I’m trying to clear out all the shmutz and get ready to pack it all up. It has to be done by the end of this week.

Just one view of the controlled chaos that is currently my life. Also, my Mom has a penchant for white sofas for some reason.

It’s been hard to sleep. Not only because I’m technically grieving—I did actually cry a bit last night, and I felt some relief. I grieve slowly, always. But doing this type of work is slow. I have to evaluate the usefulness of every piece of stuff I encounter and decide if I should keep it, toss it, or give it away. The storage space is minimal in this place, but Mom managed to squirrel away a shocking amount of…stuff. Like, two Magic Bullets, the original model and the updated one, clearly neither one much used. There were two immersion mixers, both a slow cooker and an Instant Pot (that one I’m taking home!) two AppleTVs…and so on.

It’s been quite the adventure.

Of course, there are many not-so-useful things, or things that are useful but that I don’t personally need. These will be sold at the estate sale, the proceeds of which will be given to a charity stated in her Will.

In the distance, the candelabra reveals the fact that it’s been sitting in the window in the Arizona heat

I managed to get through all of the cabinets by today, which was my goal. All that’s left are the desk drawers. They’re quite small. There won’t be much trash there. After that, it’s just her clothes in the closet, dresser and highboy, most of which will go to Goodwill. This will be very simple and I don’t expect it to drain me too much. I’m so tired each day. I pass out by 10:00 PM, but then I wake up around 3:30 AM and can’t get back to sleep. It’s frustrating. I don’t feel rested at that point. I’m a pro at managing my insomnia though, and I either ruminate or meditate for the next 6–7 hours and get up around 2:30 PM. I have to make sure I don’t overdo things. My Mom’s bed is considerably more comfortable than what they had at the care facility, thus I’m not waking up feeling like I’ve been beaten with a stick. That’s a blessing. I wish I could say the same for my feet.

Here we see stacks of things we plan to keep

In 2005, my Mom had a terrible incident with flesh-eating bacteria on the back of her right leg. By the time it was discovered, they had to remove most of her right calf and a good portion of her right hamstring. She was never the same afterward.

If you’ve been following my blog, you’ll recall my reference to her Will, also dated 2005.

Her only child who remained by her side during this trauma and her long recuperation, was her local child. It made sense. Her resentment was immature, yet not unexpected.

I was a single mother, and after looking for work for a long time, I’d finally found a job. I was still under probation when this had occurred, as well as being under one of our many speaking moratoriums that we’ve had over the years. I won’t bore you with the details of this instance—or perhaps that will be the subject of another blog post.

I got updates about Mom on a regular basis. I wanted to know how she was doing. I had no idea how bad it was. About a year later I ditched by old beater for a new car so I could confidently make the trip with a kid affordably (two tanks of gas versus two place tickets? Heck yeah!) and I saw the wounds. It was horrifying. Half of the back of her leg was gone. They’d had to take skin grafts from her backside to cover her leg. There was a part, right at the back of the knee, that they didn’t cover adequately. They didn’t compensate properly for the movement required in that area. She was never able to properly stretch or bend her leg. She walked with a cane for a few years, but eventually ended-up needing a walker.

Side note: Having used a walker myself when I was on chemo, I can safely say that everyone you see in public is using their walker totally wrong. Look next time. You’ll see them hunched over, unbalanced, their weight in front of them. It’s terribly unsafe. I was taught that you need to stand up straight, arms at your sides. If you can’t have them at your sides, your walker is at the wrong height for you. They’re adjustable and your weight should be centered so you don’t fall. This is why you see so many hip and shoulder surgeries.

Here we have the fullest picture of the badly controlled chaos that is my life

The reason this matters is because her apartment is accessible, and while it has more floor space, the carpet pile is non-existent. It’s hard on the feet and each day I find myself nearly wincing off to bed. I know, poor me.

The next step is fairly simple, and then I start building boxes and packing ’em up. While it looks like gobs of stuff, when I break it down in my mind, it’s really not that much. I unpacked her when she first moved in and I remember it was pretty easy, though she felt overwhelmed. However, I’m an old pro when it comes to moving, and I’m not easily intimidated by such things.

Not any more.

How Was Your Day?


howwas2.jpghowwas2.jpg

Self to Self: How was your day?
Self to Self: Oh, okay I guess.
Self to Self: What’s wrong?
Self to Self: Nothing, really. I actually felt a bit better today than I have for the past few days.
Self to Self: Well, that’s good!
Self to Self: Sure.
Self to Self: Yeah. I managed to get a few things done. I still have to pace myself.
Self to Self: Well, we know that’s always going to be the case.
Self to Self: Yeah.
Self to Self: Yeah.
Self to Self: So, what did you do?
Self to Self: Well, I’ve wanted to get the patio a bit tidied up. It’s never been a space we can actually use—it’s always too hot, plus the squirrels have taken over. I need to move all the bird feeders to the front of the house, but that will mean taking out the big ladder, and I have to wait for a day when I feel strong enough to do that and my balance isn’t all wonky.
Self to Self: Right. Isn’t there something you can do about the squirrels?
Self to Self: At the moment, all I can seem to do is keep the feeders in hard-to-reach places and put a heavy layer of gravel over the tops of my potted plants.
Self to Self: Wow. That must be frustrating. I know how much you enjoy gardening.
Self to Self: It is. They’re cute little bastards. I picked up a gorgeous dwarf date palm and a potted grass plant for the back and swept that patio for what felt like the hundredth time this week. I also have a bunch of flowers I need to get out of their grower’s pots for the front, but all I’ve been able to do is water them since I got them. I find planting satisfying but very physical work.
Self to Self: Again, pacing yourself is okay.
Self to Self: But we just had a heatwave and I skipped two days of watering. They’re mostly hydrangeas, and even though they were pretty much shaded, they didn’t do well at all. I feel terrible when this happens because plants are helpless and rely upon on us completely. I also have a petunia dish garden I need to remake, and I’ll be adding lobelias to it. I love their electric blue color. I hope I can do it tomorrow…
Self to Self: Whatever happens, it will be fine.
Self to Self: I’m sure you’re right.

How Was Your Day?

Self to Self: How was your day?
Self to Self: Oh, okay I guess.
Self to Self: What’s wrong?
Self to Self: Nothing, really. I actually felt a bit better today than I have for the past few days.
Self to Self: Well, that’s good!
Self to Self: Sure.
Self to Self: Yeah. I managed to get a few things done. I still have to pace myself.
Self to Self: Well, we know that’s always going to be the case.
Self to Self: Yeah.
Self to Self: Yeah.
Self to Self: So, what did you do?
Self to Self: Well, I’ve wanted to get the patio a bit tidied up. It’s never been a space we can actually use—it’s always too hot, plus the squirrels have taken over. I need to move all the bird feeders to the front of the house, but that will mean taking out the big ladder, and I have to wait for a day when I feel strong enough to do that and my balance isn’t all wonky.
Self to Self: Right. Isn’t there something you can do about the squirrels?
Self to Self: At the moment, all I can seem to do is keep the feeders in hard-to-reach places and put a heavy layer of gravel over the tops of my potted plants.
Self to Self: Wow. That must be frustrating. I know how much you enjoy gardening.
Self to Self: It is. They’re cute little bastards. I picked up a gorgeous dwarf date palm and a potted grass plant for the back and swept that patio for what felt like the hundredth time this week. I also have a bunch of flowers I need to get out of their grower’s pots for the front, but all I’ve been able to do is water them since I got them. I find planting satisfying but very physical work.
Self to Self: Again, pacing yourself is okay.
Self to Self: But we just had a heatwave and I skipped two days of watering. They’re mostly hydrangeas, and even though they were pretty much shaded, they didn’t do well at all. I feel terrible when this happens because plants are helpless and rely upon on us completely. I also have a petunia dish garden I need to remake, and I’ll be adding lobelias to it. I love their electric blue color. I hope I can do it tomorrow…
Self to Self: Whatever happens, it will be fine.
Self to Self: I’m sure you’re right.

The Heartbreak of Silence


pexels-photo-2865901.jpegpexels-photo-2865901.jpeg


Plants feel anguish tooPlants feel anguish too

Plants feel anguish too

It’s been a few months of “lockdown” now, and infection rates continue to rise due to so many people in the USA not understanding (or caring) how infection spreads. Until it touches them personally, they simply won’t learn. For those of us who have been taking the isolation seriously, it’s especially hard, as our isolation often feels meaningless against the actions of these louts who care not one whit for the lives of others and simply go about their day as if they’ll live forever and The Invisible Man In The Sky actually cares about them who care nothing for anyone else.

How does that parse, logically? Do these people truly think they’ll be “saved” when the Second Coming finally happens? Why would they be? Even according to their own scripture they’re the most horrible people in existence. There couldn’t possibly be room in Heaven for these detestable souls.

Those of us who are sincerely trying to not only flatten the curve, but to stay healthy through this pandemic, some of us are starting to show the signs of stress due to the extended isolation from our normal activities. I’m not speaking of myself so much here, as I’m a dyed-in-the-wool homebody and the types of places I wish I could go and hang out just don’t exist. When I first moved to Silicon Valley in the mid-90’s, I had it as a goal to create some kind of artist’s shared workspace, but the more I’d seen about this place, the less it seemed any kind of likely proposition unless it could’ve made $$$BIG$$MONEY$$$. And that didn’t jibe with its purpose at all. It would’ve been more of a creative incubator, a think tank, if you will, but it would’ve taken scads of cash to keep it operational, and I didn’t see myself as CEO of a non-profit having to constantly hold fundraisers and beg for money. Boo.

So, there’s that.

I live in the wrong area to make this happen. Maybe somewhere in Europe, like Berlin, which has a thriving arts community and is still strong in economy. London wouldn’t work, as they’re very tightfisted and have been going the way of the US since the days of Tony Blair. Well, earlier, obviously, but even the “extremely liberal” Tony Blair was very conservative when it came to economy and very hawkish when it came to warmongering (like Obama, which folks tend to forget due to all the genuinely great things he managed to enact in this country).

But I digress, as usual.

I’m writing this post because there were squirrels having breakfast on my porch when I went to go water the plants this morning. I opened the front door very gently, which is what I’ve learned to do in order not to scare any of the local fauna away, and, sure enough, two grey squirrels stood up on their hind legs somewhat guiltily and looked up at me in case I was ready to chase them away. I spoke very quietly and said that it was okay for them to eat, and they went right back to it. I took a bit of a video from my phone which I’ll try to add to this post somehow—though that tends to require three different apps to translate the file to the right format. That doesn’t seem right to me. Whatevs.

Getting back to the actual title of the post, I recently experienced a strange kind of setback that took me by surprise. I’ve been doing pretty well, all things considered. I’m a natural homebody, so the having to stay at home thing works for me. I don’t have many friends, so there’s not been much to miss there. I think I mentioned recently that it has stung that my brother and my daughter have had people to FaceTime with, wishing there was a friend in my life that was close enough to want to stay in touch with me regularly. The friendships I do have are all online and managed easily through social media interactions. Translation: a virtual “like”, “heart”, “hug”, or the seldom-used “comment” have transplanted any IRL friendship. As far as I’m concerned, the friendships are as real as they ever were. Make of that what you will.

The true friends of people with the Mediator personality type tend to be few and far between, but those that make the cut are often friends for life. The challenge is the many dualities that this type harbors when it comes to being sociable—Mediators crave the depth of mutual human understanding, but tire easily in social situations; they are excellent at reading into others’ feelings and motivations, but are often unwilling to provide others the same insight into themselves—it’s as though Mediators like the idea of human contact, but not the reality of social contact

This is what 16 Personalities has to say about my type

I was recently contacted out of the blue by someone I’d dated decades ago. I don’t really know why this person reached out to me, and though I asked, the reason they gave me felt flimsy. Nevertheless, we quickly fell into a pattern of speaking regularly on the phone, something I haven’t done since I switched over to an iPhone in 2012. I love my iPhone, and will never switch back to another platform, but its being an actual telephone has never been its strong suit, so I have become big on texting and social media interactions. Mostly texting, if it’s a person I actually want to be in regular contact with. Speaking on the phone felt novel and exciting again, and I felt on par with my family/roommates, with their regular outside contact (though no FaceTiming for me, sadly).

Always being one to question and wonder and dig into motives, after several days of this (perhaps more like a couple of weeks) I found myself asking this person if they were trying to qualify me as a potential future companion. The answer I received was an embarrassingly long string of the word “No”, with various emphases. Something like, “No, no, no, no, no…NO, NO, no, no, no…oh, God, no…”

I think a simple, “You misunderstand why I contacted you”, or, “Gosh, I’m sorry, but that’s not what I meant”, or, just one simple, “No” would have sufficed.

So that happened.

It’s not as though I’m seeking anything in particular. I’m not. I’m content. During my cancer treatment, I realized that I’d made a miscalculation by choosing to be single, as doing cancer without a companion is truly hard, but I managed somehow. I didn’t have a partner, but I did have my daughter, and one of my brothers was around as well, though he was incredibly busy. I spent a lot of my time in the hospital, anyway, so I guess the extra help I needed when things got really bad was there when I needed it. I didn’t get any visitors, save for when my brother came once after when they tried to clear my small bowel obstruction the first time, and it was such a nice surprise to see him there when I was so sore and could barely move. And my daughter visited me 2 or 3 times and even stayed with me when they thought I had a pulmonary embolism(!). It was a bit harder for her because she doesn’t drive and she had to take several buses to get to the hospital, but her presence was very welcome.


Yeah, not quite like this guy, but contentYeah, not quite like this guy, but content

Yeah, not quite like this guy, but content

Anyway, I’m pretty content. I’ve made myself be content. This is my life. I know I want to live. I have relationships with my plants, and I talk to them whenever I see them, water them, trim them back—and when I do have to trim them back I make sure to acknowledge the pain that must cause them, but I reassure them that it’s needful because this unhealthy part is taking energy away from the rest of the plant and they will feel so much stronger when it’s gone, and of course I apologize for having to do this thing to them.

Oh, I’ve also started to apologize to any bugs I end up having to kill due to their breaking my rule of not having any bugs in the house. I try to have that rule as a vibration that permeates the space, but sometimes they don’t get the memo and come on in. I’m not okay with taking a life, even a buggy one, so I always tell them how sorry I am about it. There are the rare times it’s possible to relocate them to the outside, where they are welcome, but like I said, it’s rare.

This is one of those coffee-and-scones posts, where you think you’re getting one thing, but I give you a platterful of ALL THE THINGS, so you need to sit down with coffee and a plate of scones just to get through it all.

Back to the heartbreak of silence…after that extremely vocal rejection, which I supposed should have been expected. (I mean, how else could one respond, really?) There followed a series of days of no calls. Radio silence. Huh. Our conversation hadn’t exactly ended on that awkward point, we had talked a bit more and ended on the more usual and banal, “talk to you soon”. I didn’t expect it to be the next day, or the next, as I knew I’d made things weird. This is typical for me, as I feel as though I see things as they are and I say so. Kind of in a Naked Emperor way, if you will. But the days dragged on, and it made me wonder: was this person feeling as though I had exposed them? What was so impossibly embarrassing about me thinking this that they had to cut off all contact? True or not, why would they just not call any more at all, when we’d been talking every day, sometimes several times a day, prior to this happening?

It made no sense. And it made me feel terribly sad.

The Heartbreak of Silence

Plants feel anguish too

It’s been a few months of “lockdown” now, and infection rates continue to rise due to so many people in the USA not understanding (or caring) how infection spreads. Until it touches them personally, they simply won’t learn. For those of us who have been taking the isolation seriously, it’s especially hard, as our isolation often feels meaningless against the actions of these louts who care not one whit for the lives of others and simply go about their day as if they’ll live forever and The Invisible Man In The Sky actually cares about them who care nothing for anyone else.

How does that parse, logically? Do these people truly think they’ll be “saved” when the Second Coming finally happens? Why would they be? Even according to their own scripture they’re the most horrible people in existence. There couldn’t possibly be room in Heaven for these detestable souls.

Those of us who are sincerely trying to not only flatten the curve, but to stay healthy through this pandemic, some of us are starting to show the signs of stress due to the extended isolation from our normal activities. I’m not speaking of myself so much here, as I’m a dyed-in-the-wool homebody and the types of places I wish I could go and hang out just don’t exist. When I first moved to Silicon Valley in the mid-90’s, I had it as a goal to create some kind of artist’s shared workspace, but the more I’d seen about this place, the less it seemed any kind of likely proposition unless it could’ve made $$$BIG$$MONEY$$$. And that didn’t jibe with its purpose at all. It would’ve been more of a creative incubator, a think tank, if you will, but it would’ve taken scads of cash to keep it operational, and I didn’t see myself as CEO of a non-profit having to constantly hold fundraisers and beg for money. Boo.

So, there’s that.

I live in the wrong area to make this happen. Maybe somewhere in Europe, like Berlin, which has a thriving arts community and is still strong in economy. London wouldn’t work, as they’re very tightfisted and have been going the way of the US since the days of Tony Blair. Well, earlier, obviously, but even the “extremely liberal” Tony Blair was very conservative when it came to economy and very hawkish when it came to warmongering (like Obama, which folks tend to forget due to all the genuinely great things he managed to enact in this country).

But I digress, as usual.

I’m writing this post because there were squirrels having breakfast on my porch when I went to go water the plants this morning. I opened the front door very gently, which is what I’ve learned to do in order not to scare any of the local fauna away, and, sure enough, two grey squirrels stood up on their hind legs somewhat guiltily and looked up at me in case I was ready to chase them away. I spoke very quietly and said that it was okay for them to eat, and they went right back to it. I took a bit of a video from my phone which I’ll try to add to this post somehow—though that tends to require three different apps to translate the file to the right format. That doesn’t seem right to me. Whatevs.

Getting back to the actual title of the post, I recently experienced a strange kind of setback that took me by surprise. I’ve been doing pretty well, all things considered. I’m a natural homebody, so the having to stay at home thing works for me. I don’t have many friends, so there’s not been much to miss there. I think I mentioned recently that it has stung that my brother and my daughter have had people to FaceTime with, wishing there was a friend in my life that was close enough to want to stay in touch with me regularly. The friendships I do have are all online and managed easily through social media interactions. Translation: a virtual “like”, “heart”, “hug”, or the seldom-used “comment” have transplanted any IRL friendship. As far as I’m concerned, the friendships are as real as they ever were. Make of that what you will.

The true friends of people with the Mediator personality type tend to be few and far between, but those that make the cut are often friends for life. The challenge is the many dualities that this type harbors when it comes to being sociable—Mediators crave the depth of mutual human understanding, but tire easily in social situations; they are excellent at reading into others’ feelings and motivations, but are often unwilling to provide others the same insight into themselves—it’s as though Mediators like the idea of human contact, but not the reality of social contact

This is what 16 Personalities has to say about my type

I was recently contacted out of the blue by someone I’d dated decades ago. I don’t really know why this person reached out to me, and though I asked, the reason they gave me felt flimsy. Nevertheless, we quickly fell into a pattern of speaking regularly on the phone, something I haven’t done since I switched over to an iPhone in 2012. I love my iPhone, and will never switch back to another platform, but its being an actual telephone has never been its strong suit, so I have become big on texting and social media interactions. Mostly texting, if it’s a person I actually want to be in regular contact with. Speaking on the phone felt novel and exciting again, and I felt on par with my family/roommates, with their regular outside contact (though no FaceTiming for me, sadly).

Always being one to question and wonder and dig into motives, after several days of this (perhaps more like a couple of weeks) I found myself asking this person if they were trying to qualify me as a potential future companion. The answer I received was an embarrassingly long string of the word “No”, with various emphases. Something like, “No, no, no, no, no…NO, NO, no, no, no…oh, God, no…”

I think a simple, “You misunderstand why I contacted you”, or, “Gosh, I’m sorry, but that’s not what I meant”, or, just one simple, “No” would have sufficed.

So that happened.

It’s not as though I’m seeking anything in particular. I’m not. I’m content. During my cancer treatment, I realized that I’d made a miscalculation by choosing to be single, as doing cancer without a companion is truly hard, but I managed somehow. I didn’t have a partner, but I did have my daughter, and one of my brothers was around as well, though he was incredibly busy. I spent a lot of my time in the hospital, anyway, so I guess the extra help I needed when things got really bad was there when I needed it. I didn’t get any visitors, save for when my brother came once after when they tried to clear my small bowel obstruction the first time, and it was such a nice surprise to see him there when I was so sore and could barely move. And my daughter visited me 2 or 3 times and even stayed with me when they thought I had a pulmonary embolism(!). It was a bit harder for her because she doesn’t drive and she had to take several buses to get to the hospital, but her presence was very welcome.

Yeah, not quite like this guy, but content

Anyway, I’m pretty content. I’ve made myself be content. This is my life. I know I want to live. I have relationships with my plants, and I talk to them whenever I see them, water them, trim them back—and when I do have to trim them back I make sure to acknowledge the pain that must cause them, but I reassure them that it’s needful because this unhealthy part is taking energy away from the rest of the plant and they will feel so much stronger when it’s gone, and of course I apologize for having to do this thing to them.

Oh, I’ve also started to apologize to any bugs I end up having to kill due to their breaking my rule of not having any bugs in the house. I try to have that rule as a vibration that permeates the space, but sometimes they don’t get the memo and come on in. I’m not okay with taking a life, even a buggy one, so I always tell them how sorry I am about it. There are the rare times it’s possible to relocate them to the outside, where they are welcome, but like I said, it’s rare.

This is one of those coffee-and-scones posts, where you think you’re getting one thing, but I give you a platterful of ALL THE THINGS, so you need to sit down with coffee and a plate of scones just to get through it all.

Back to the heartbreak of silence…after that extremely vocal rejection, which I supposed should have been expected. (I mean, how else could one respond, really?) There followed a series of days of no calls. Radio silence. Huh. Our conversation hadn’t exactly ended on that awkward point, we had talked a bit more and ended on the more usual and banal, “talk to you soon”. I didn’t expect it to be the next day, or the next, as I knew I’d made things weird. This is typical for me, as I feel as though I see things as they are and I say so. Kind of in a Naked Emperor way, if you will. But the days dragged on, and it made me wonder: was this person feeling as though I had exposed them? What was so impossibly embarrassing about me thinking this that they had to cut off all contact? True or not, why would they just not call any more at all, when we’d been talking every day, sometimes several times a day, prior to this happening?

It made no sense. And it made me feel terribly sad.

Suspiciously Arreligious People


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I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

There’s a certain manner, a certain niceness, and yet a specific insistence that they do not believe in any sort of spirit/beyond/God principle/scripture, regardless of whether or not they experienced any sort of religious upbringing or had done any kind of spiritual searching themselves at any point of time in their lives.

There are a few YouTubers I can think of, in particular in the home cleaning/home decorating/meal prepping space that come to mind. These are usually women, but not always—there are a few men, but in these instances, they’re more likely to be auto detailing than home cleaning videos. Meal prepping could go either way.

There’s an utter wholesomeness to these videos, which is part of the appeal for me, quite frankly. And yet, they are suspiciously devoid of any religious artifacts in the background, no casual religious magazines or books lying on the coffee table that might catch the eye. No, the makers of these videos want to ensure the widest possible appeal, and I can’t say I blame them. But their sweet demeanor surely is their tell.

It must be. Nobody is that nice and sweet just because these days.

Are they?

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Suspiciously Arreligious People

I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

There’s a certain manner, a certain niceness, and yet a specific insistence that they do not believe in any sort of spirit/beyond/God principle/scripture, regardless of whether or not they experienced any sort of religious upbringing or had done any kind of spiritual searching themselves at any point of time in their lives.

There are a few YouTubers I can think of, in particular in the home cleaning/home decorating/meal prepping space that come to mind. These are usually women, but not always—there are a few men, but in these instances, they’re more likely to be auto detailing than home cleaning videos. Meal prepping could go either way.

There’s an utter wholesomeness to these videos, which is part of the appeal for me, quite frankly. And yet, they are suspiciously devoid of any religious artifacts in the background, no casual religious magazines or books lying on the coffee table that might catch the eye. No, the makers of these videos want to ensure the widest possible appeal, and I can’t say I blame them. But their sweet demeanor surely is their tell.

It must be. Nobody is that nice and sweet just because these days.

Are they?

My Strange Week of Pain


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I'll put it on my calendarI'll put it on my calendar

I’ll put it on my calendar

I’ve had this pattern ever since my cancer surgery back in the summer of 2017, where I get this terrible cramping that intensifies over the course of about 10 days, to the point where I’m really suffering and can’t stand the act of sitting up—until I can barely stay off the toilet for a day or two. In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I had colorectal cancer, and my tumor was at the very base of my sigmoid colon. That’s where the cramping is focused, but it emanates outward from there, and ends up involving my entire abdomen. The build-up to the last day is excruciating, as if I had some kind of mondo-awful food poisoning, but then it starts to fade back and become manageable.

Opioids don’t help, as I seem to have the kind of metabolism that’s resistant to such drugs and am only susceptible to The Strongest One: Dilaudid. And taking it orally doesn’t do nearly as much as taking it via IV at the hospital, so I just don’t bother. All the various kinds of norco, oxy, and morphine I’ve tried just do zilch, and it’s just as well. There’s nothing sadder than a middle-aged junkie.


It's called "practicing" medicine for a reasonIt's called "practicing" medicine for a reason

It’s called “practicing” medicine for a reason

So instead, my pharmacology has focused on drugs to try and control the spasming: various anti-siezure medications, muscle relaxant, along with the anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety meds to help me with my other issues that may or may not be related to my misadventures with cancer and cancer treatment+its aftermath.

Nothing seems to have worked that well. The majority of it is about powering through as best I can, and since I really can’t that well, I’m officially disabled for the rest of my life. Boo. Even this, I had to fight the Social Security Administration over for nearly 3 years.

It’s both a relief and a drag.

My Strange Week of Pain

I’ll put it on my calendar

I’ve had this pattern ever since my cancer surgery back in the summer of 2017, where I get this terrible cramping that intensifies over the course of about 10 days, to the point where I’m really suffering and can’t stand the act of sitting up—until I can barely stay off the toilet for a day or two. In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I had colorectal cancer, and my tumor was at the very base of my sigmoid colon. That’s where the cramping is focused, but it emanates outward from there, and ends up involving my entire abdomen. The build-up to the last day is excruciating, as if I had some kind of mondo-awful food poisoning, but then it starts to fade back and become manageable.

Opioids don’t help, as I seem to have the kind of metabolism that’s resistant to such drugs and am only susceptible to The Strongest One: Dilaudid. And taking it orally doesn’t do nearly as much as taking it via IV at the hospital, so I just don’t bother. All the various kinds of norco, oxy, and morphine I’ve tried just do zilch, and it’s just as well. There’s nothing sadder than a middle-aged junkie.

It’s called “practicing” medicine for a reason

So instead, my pharmacology has focused on drugs to try and control the spasming: various anti-siezure medications, muscle relaxant, along with the anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety meds to help me with my other issues that may or may not be related to my misadventures with cancer and cancer treatment+its aftermath.

Nothing seems to have worked that well. The majority of it is about powering through as best I can, and since I really can’t that well, I’m officially disabled for the rest of my life. Boo. Even this, I had to fight the Social Security Administration over for nearly 3 years.

It’s both a relief and a drag.

Illusion, by Paula Volsky: Chapter Nine


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The People’s Reparation Party has grown in power, and the Cavalier vo Meureille tries valiantly to convince Eliste and Zeralenn to leave Shereen. Meanwhile, Feronte sends a peculiar gift to Eliste that seems she can finally accept.

Illusion, by Paula Volsky: Chapter Nine

The People’s Reparation Party has grown in power, and the Cavalier vo Meureille tries valiantly to convince Eliste and Zeralenn to leave Shereen. Meanwhile, Feronte sends a peculiar gift to Eliste that seems she can finally accept.

Another Heat Advisory

If that’s what I wanted I’d go to the sauna, thankyouverymuch
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I’ve never liked the heat

This is the second heat advisory we’ve had this year, and it’s not even summer yet. We had quite a cold winter, and we actually had a pretty cold spring for the most part. I’ve been hoping that would lead into a mild summer. Maybe it will, overall, but right now it’s very humid and hot, and there’s no air conditioning where I live.

Most of the homes in my area were built without A/C. We’ve typically not needed it, as we are close to the coast and get a nice, cooling fog every evening. It’s thicker in the hot months, having to do with the Central Valley of California getting roasting hot during the day in summer, and when the sun sets the land gives off this tremendous heat, sucking up the cooler air from the ocean through the small passes of the SF Bay Area, creating loads of wind and bringing offshore fog with it. I’m not trained in the subject, it’s just my observation based on having lived here all my life.

Are u a thirsty boi?
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

Even the insects are having a hard time

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of a gardener. I’m not great at it, but I do enjoy it. I always have. I learned how to take care of plants in general from the first of several jobs I had working for an indoor plant rental/maintenance company, along with any gardening I watched my dad do in his very nice gardens, especially his roses. What I do know, is that most plants are shockingly easy to care for, as long as you give it the right soil, the right amount of sun, and the right amount of water. When plants are healthy and strong, they typically can fend off any pests or disease.

This pretty much sums it up
Photo by Akil Mazumder on Pexels.com

Speaking of which, I’ve noticed that a certain big retailer doesn’t take very good care of its inventory. The last several plants I purchased from them came with earwigs—lots of earwigs. I’ve never had earwigs in my garden before, but now they’re all over the place. I have two of the new plants I still need to re-pot, but I need to handle the earwig situation first, because every time I pick up one of the plants, I find a host of the little buggers hiding underneath, trying to keep cool in the moist.

While we’re on the subject, I’m also dealing with cockroaches. I know, ew. This time I’ve attracted these lovelies due to the fact that I put birdseed out on the ground for the mourning doves and towhees that come by. They’re too large to perch on the feeders, and they aren’t perching feeders, anyway. The finches are super messy, too. They literally push the seeds aside vigorously to find the ones they want, so I end up with a huge mess on the ground either way.

I found a cockroach in my bathroom today. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with a cockroach inside my home. I felt violated and disgusted. I’m a clean person, and pay special attention to my kitchen and bathroom. After hitting that sucker a few times with the toilet brush and knocking it senseless, I picked it up with a tissue and flushed it down the toilet. At that point the only thing to do was to torch the entire place with a flamethrower.

This is obviously the correct way to handle any sort of nasty situation

Lacking this equipment, I did the next best thing and brought out the bottle of liquid bleach.

Here Are Some Good Things In My Life

I’ve been trying to write this post since I wrote the last one! Ugh. I took a video of a few places around my home to show you my bird feeders and a bit of my gardening, but then the videos took forever to upload.

Here’s a short video I took of inside my house, just to show you where I spend the majority of my time. I’m a huge homebody, having both clinical depression and general anxiety disorder, and some things that help me from spinning out are doing little things around my house to keep it in order, along with cooking and care-taking.

A Tour of My Home

Take a peek at my little slice of paradise

The plants and the birds are my friends. I look out for them and look after them. I happen to believe all creatures are sentient and aware of what it means to be alive, and my belief extends to the plant world.

And check out my flowers!

I let the main bird feeder in the back patio go empty for half a day, and yesterday morning there were two red-headed finches, a male and female, on the top of one of the front door wreaths, peeking into the living room, as if to say, “Hey, we see you in there. Can you help us out?” My brother thought they might be looking to nest, and that’s a possibility also—though I think it might be rather late in the season for that. I also think my way of looking at it is much more fun.

Oh, and there’s a hummingbird feeder…or five

Thoughts on The World

As you can see, I don’t just sit around and do nothing but complain all the time. I was trying to explain my viewpoint to my daughter, who gets frustrated with me every time it seems I’m passing judgement on a person or expressing distaste for a situation.

I’m a social anarchist. In my ideal world, if I were made President, my first act would be to abolish all laws. I’m far left of Bernie Sanders. I’m left of Ghandi, for cryin’ out loud!

Naturally, I’m also a realist, and recognize that there is both selfishness and stupidity in our populace, along with a healthy dose of insanity, so this wouldn’t work. Therein lies my frustration with this world and the people within it. Any criticisms I spew and subsequent depression or anxiety about this world or life in general stem from this disconnect.

She seemed to kind of get it after I explained it in this way. My most fervent wish for the world is that it could be more cooperative, balanced, and understanding—I include all living things in this testament. But there are simply limits to this at this point in time. Perhaps mankind will end up eating itself at some point. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

I’ve Been Feeling Unproductive Lately

What is productivity, anyway?

For example, I’ve spent hours this week redesigning my weekly newsletter (that nobody really reads, because I can see if you opened it, clicked on any of the links, and so on…yes, I am watching you). Why did I do this?

I guess I’m hoping if I did it better, I’d get a better result. Yes, I suppose that’s what I’m hoping. It seems an infernal-waste-of-time kind of hope, but there it is. I’m trying to communicate. I have things to say, and I fervently desire to be heard. I’m still trying to find my audience, and that is not yet, apparently, any of the folks I currently know.

So…yeah. Not much in the way of blog posts or podcasts this week, simply due to the fact that I spent so much time on this one little thing that most likely will net me fuck-all.

If I am to be the light in the darkness, how do I find the light that will shine for me? Am I to conjure it up from nothing?

This part of my “mission statement” confuses me the most. I am fully committed to my credo, and understand fully what it means, and why–but I am not a “sweetness and light” sort of person. i never have been and never will be. I’ve seen the darkness all my life; ever since I was a small child. From all those small days, wearing leg braces in bed, and waking in the middle of the night needing to pee but being unable to walk to the bathroom due to the braces, and whispering in the dark to try and get my brother to help me, only to not be able to rouse him, and struggling instead in trembling fear, on my hands and knees, crawling down the dark and scary hallway, seeing nothing but what I thought were ghosts and demons all around me in the darkness.

Then, finally having done my business on the toilet, having to make the journey back to my bed in the same terrifying darkness, and being unable to fall asleep again due to the fear.

I wore those braces every night of my life from age 2 through 7. The reason I wore them was due to extreme femoral torsion, which made me so pigeon-toed I could hardly walk without constantly tripping over my own feet. Running was an awful mess. Even now, at the tender age of 54, my knees still look like they have taken a beating.

Darkness.

This blog constantly sounds like I’m bitter and unhappy. I’m always griping about one thing or another here. I do struggle with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder, and am taking medications for these, along with medications for my chronic pain conditions from several spinal injuries and an unexpected injury related to my cancer surgery that has me permanently disabled.

But! I’m alive! And I’m happy to be so. Even if it doesn’t always seem that way due to my constant complaining. (LOL, oh, I’m SO random, and like, I just…COMPLAIN, like, for NO reason! LOL OMG)

Okay, I will end this post right here and start a new post in which I will pivot and talk abut all the good things I’m planning and doing so you can see the actual positivity I’ve got going on right now.

I Hit A Wall This Week

Procrastination station

When I put things off, the days seem to blend one into the other and I lose track of time

It feels as though I’ve hit some sort of creative wall this week. Not only creative. There are administrative tasks I need to follow up on as well, and I can’t seem to confront them, either.

For example, (and here I’m getting far more personal than I ever have—yes, even more so than the “depression” post the other day) I have a small student loan debt. Small, yet still I’ve been so incredibly broke I’ve not able to manage it for an embarrassingly long time. And being disabled now and on a fixed income, I’m looking to have it discharged.

Well, I initiated the paperwork for this a couple of months ago. Included in said paperwork is a document you’re supposed to have a doctor fill out, but if you’ve had a judge claim you fully disabled, as I have, and especially if your Social Security Administration review won’t take place again for 5 to 7 years, as in my case, doctoral confirmation is not required. This indicates that youre not expected to recover.

I included a copy of the page in my mailing that indicated this.

A few days ago I received in the mail a brand-new application from Nelnet, the company that handles these things, and to whom I had mailed the information. In their letter they say they received information from the SSA (they didn’t, it was from me) and that I need to complete the enclosed application, which is essentially starting from square one. Bravo. Great way to overwhelm a disabled person with paperwork. I scoffed, of course, and knew immediately that my response would be to just send them a new copy of what I had sent them already, since nothing that they were asking for was actually required by law to get my loans discharged.

I can’t find the page in question. I know I made a copy of it. I’m certain of this. I have a large folder of all the paperwork regarding the Social Security Administration and my dealings with them over the past few years, and now I’m going to have to go through every page, one by one, to see where the single page is. And if I don’t find it, I’m going to have to see if there’s any way I can get a new copy of it.

Oh, I already tried to get one online. Maybe I’ll just skip the searching and call them today. The telephone wait times are hours’-long, but if you indicate you want a call back the seem to be very good about doing so. Perhaps I’ll go straight to that option and skip the headache.

So…yeah.

Spring clean-n-mean

Out with the old and in with the new

I’ve still been doing a lot of organizing and purging of “the things” and organizing. It’s becoming like a subset of my housekeeping hobby, which I love. I’m the kind of person that loves opening a drawer or cabinet and having not only look all pretty and neat (I think everyone likes that) but also to have it make so much sense that putting things away is quick and easy every time. There’s no true organization system if it breaks the moment you try to clean up, is there?

Did you know there’s a large community on YouTube that consists of housecleaning and home organization videos? I find it very satisfying to watch these people (nearly all women) talk about the products they use, how they decorate and clean, and then to just watch them as they do it. So many times I find myself thinking, “Why are you putting all your appliances away into all those cabinets that are hard to reach when you use them every day?!” There’s this one YouTuber in particular that does this, and it drives me kind of batty. She loves to see her countertops empty, and I must agree her space is amazing to look at when she’s done, but she makes her life so much harder than it has to be.

Then again, she doesn’t have fibromyalgia, so maybe that’s not so much of an issue. It still irks me, though.

I know it better

Experience takes the prize

I think in an earlier post I mentioned that I’ve moved a lot. Maybe that was a comment on someone else’s post somewhere. If I did, I’ll link to it. In any case, I’ve moved roughly 50 times in my life. I should count them to see how close I am to that number. I’m probably rounding up a little. It might be closer to the mid-40’s. But that’s not the point. I’m rambling. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so you guys are it.

Anyway, when I come into a new space, the first thing I do is start to open cabinets and cupboards and things and imagine what I expect to find there. Then that’s where I put those things. Easy peasy. I let the space decide for me. Keeps it nice and simple as far as I’m concerned. I have seen some people who try to conform a place to their preconceived ideas of how they like to use a space, and it never works. I’ve done a lot of reorganization projects for people on TaskRabbit who have tried to do this, and I reeducate them when I design the new system for them, and explain what I’m doing and why. They’re always thrilled with the result, even if they’re hesitant or even suspicious of how well it will work when I start. I don’t take them tasks any more, being retired/disabled now. There’s always too much heavy lifting at some point, far reaching, and almost always heavy-duty cleaning that I can’t handle.

So what have I really been doing?

Regret for wasted time is more wasted time—Mason Cooley

I’ve been going through my YouTube videos and creating custom thumbnails for them using Canva. I can’t spend a lot of time doing this, which is why I’m just using an online tool, but I still find it a bit too much like my old design job, which caused me long-term and somehow traumatic injury. But I’m mostly having fun doing them. I think I’m mostly making them nice. Of course, the biggest challenge is the fact that in all the videos so far I didn’t plan to do custom thumbnails, so I didn’t pose for them at the end of recording. I have to scrub through the videos to try and find a moment that my face looks halfway normal and take a screen grab of that (and of course all of my videos are low res AF.)

But then I can tell myself that I’m at least doing something.

Okay, I’m not being entirely fair to myself. I did do my first Tarot Tuesday over the past week, and I’m planning to do one tomorrow. I originally was going to make tomorrow’s a live recording, but I’m not sure that makes sense…I think it was more along the lines of trying to see what the Live Recording tool in YouTube was all about more than anything else. I get curious and like to experiment a lot, even when there’s no real benefit to me or anyone. I’m far from being a Luddite!

What I really need to o is start writing music again. I’m feeling very lost as a musician these days, but I know there’s more of it within me, and all I need to do is start playing with my tools, such as they are, to get things spinning again. This is what I’ve really been putting off. In the meantime, you can check out my current release, “i am me/am i not?” over at iTunes.

My latest EP, The Story of Swallow, will be released very soon through CD Baby. I think. There are just a few technical details I need to get handled first. I might have to go a different route, but we shall see. They don’t seem to have any tech support at the moment.

Oh! And I have to sell my scooter. I love that thing, but it no longer runs and I cant find a mechanic locally who can work on it, which is really weird. And trying to repair it myself is beyond my abilities.

I Hit A Wall This Week

hitawall.jpghitawall.jpg

Procrastination station

When I put things off, the days seem to blend one into the other and I lose track of time

It feels as though I’ve hit some sort of creative wall this week. Not only creative. There are administrative tasks I need to follow up on as well, and I can’t seem to confront them, either.

For example, (and here I’m getting far more personal than I ever have—yes, even more so than the “depression” post the other day) I have a small student loan debt. Small, yet still I’ve been so incredibly broke I’ve not able to manage it for an embarrassingly long time. And being disabled now and on a fixed income, I’m looking to have it discharged.

Well, I initiated the paperwork for this a couple of months ago. Included in said paperwork is a document you’re supposed to have a doctor fill out, but if you’ve had a judge claim you fully disabled, as I have, and especially if your Social Security Administration review won’t take place again for 5 to 7 years, as in my case, doctoral confirmation is not required. This indicates that youre not expected to recover.

I included a copy of the page in my mailing that indicated this.

A few days ago I received in the mail a brand-new application from Nelnet, the company that handles these things, and to whom I had mailed the information. In their letter they say they received information from the SSA (they didn’t, it was from me) and that I need to complete the enclosed application, which is essentially starting from square one. Bravo. Great way to overwhelm a disabled person with paperwork. I scoffed, of course, and knew immediately that my response would be to just send them a new copy of what I had sent them already, since nothing that they were asking for was actually required by law to get my loans discharged.

I can’t find the page in question. I know I made a copy of it. I’m certain of this. I have a large folder of all the paperwork regarding the Social Security Administration and my dealings with them over the past few years, and now I’m going to have to go through every page, one by one, to see where the single page is. And if I don’t find it, I’m going to have to see if there’s any way I can get a new copy of it.

Oh, I already tried to get one online. Maybe I’ll just skip the searching and call them today. The telephone wait times are hours’-long, but if you indicate you want a call back the seem to be very good about doing so. Perhaps I’ll go straight to that option and skip the headache.

So…yeah.

Spring clean-n-mean

Out with the old and in with the new

I’ve still been doing a lot of organizing and purging of “the things” and organizing. It’s becoming like a subset of my housekeeping hobby, which I love. I’m the kind of person that loves opening a drawer or cabinet and having not only look all pretty and neat (I think everyone likes that) but also to have it make so much sense that putting things away is quick and easy every time. There’s no true organization system if it breaks the moment you try to clean up, is there?

Did you know there’s a large community on YouTube that consists of housecleaning and home organization videos? I find it very satisfying to watch these people (nearly all women) talk about the products they use, how they decorate and clean, and then to just watch them as they do it. So many times I find myself thinking, “Why are you putting all your appliances away into all those cabinets that are hard to reach when you use them every day?!” There’s this one YouTuber in particular that does this, and it drives me kind of batty. She loves to see her countertops empty, and I must agree her space is amazing to look at when she’s done, but she makes her life so much harder than it has to be.

Then again, she doesn’t have fibromyalgia, so maybe that’s not so much of an issue. It still irks me, though.

I know it better

Experience takes the prize

I think in an earlier post I mentioned that I’ve moved a lot. Maybe that was a comment on someone else’s post somewhere. If I did, I’ll link to it. In any case, I’ve moved roughly 50 times in my life. I should count them to see how close I am to that number. I’m probably rounding up a little. It might be closer to the mid-40’s. But that’s not the point. I’m rambling. I don’t have anyone to talk to, so you guys are it.

Anyway, when I come into a new space, the first thing I do is start to open cabinets and cupboards and things and imagine what I expect to find there. Then that’s where I put those things. Easy peasy. I let the space decide for me. Keeps it nice and simple as far as I’m concerned. I have seen some people who try to conform a place to their preconceived ideas of how they like to use a space, and it never works. I’ve done a lot of reorganization projects for people on TaskRabbit who have tried to do this, and I reeducate them when I design the new system for them, and explain what I’m doing and why. They’re always thrilled with the result, even if they’re hesitant or even suspicious of how well it will work when I start. I don’t take them tasks any more, being retired/disabled now. There’s always too much heavy lifting at some point, far reaching, and almost always heavy-duty cleaning that I can’t handle.

So what have I really been doing?

Regret for wasted time is more wasted time—Mason Cooley

I’ve been going through my YouTube videos and creating custom thumbnails for them using Canva. I can’t spend a lot of time doing this, which is why I’m just using an online tool, but I still find it a bit too much like my old design job, which caused me long-term and somehow traumatic injury. But I’m mostly having fun doing them. I think I’m mostly making them nice. Of course, the biggest challenge is the fact that in all the videos so far I didn’t plan to do custom thumbnails, so I didn’t pose for them at the end of recording. I have to scrub through the videos to try and find a moment that my face looks halfway normal and take a screen grab of that (and of course all of my videos are low res AF.)

But then I can tell myself that I’m at least doing something.

Okay, I’m not being entirely fair to myself. I did do my first Tarot Tuesday over the past week, and I’m planning to do one tomorrow. I originally was going to make tomorrow’s a live recording, but I’m not sure that makes sense…I think it was more along the lines of trying to see what the Live Recording tool in YouTube was all about more than anything else. I get curious and like to experiment a lot, even when there’s no real benefit to me or anyone. I’m far from being a Luddite!

What I really need to o is start writing music again. I’m feeling very lost as a musician these days, but I know there’s more of it within me, and all I need to do is start playing with my tools, such as they are, to get things spinning again. This is what I’ve really been putting off. In the meantime, you can check out my current release, “i am me/am i not?” over at iTunes.

My latest EP, The Story of Swallow, will be released very soon through CD Baby. I think. There are just a few technical details I need to get handled first. I might have to go a different route, but we shall see. They don’t seem to have any tech support at the moment.

Oh! And I have to sell my scooter. I love that thing, but it no longer runs and I cant find a mechanic locally who can work on it, which is really weird. And trying to repair it myself is beyond my abilities.

COULD AMERICAN EVANGELICALS SPOT THE ANTICHRIST?

BLC is an author, speaker, scholar, and global traveler, who holds graduate degrees in Theology & Intercultural Studies from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and received his doctorate in Intercultural Studies from Fuller. He is the author of Undiluted: Rediscovering the Radical Message of Jesus, and Unafraid: Moving Beyond Fear-Based Faith.

I came across a blog post that discussed an interesting, modern take on the Book of Revelations, and more specifically, whether American Evangelicals could spot the AntiChrist. I found the information very intriguing, so please check out his article.

Could American Evangelicals Spot the Antichrist? Here Are the Biblical Predictions by Benjamin L. Corey

Does the Bible predict the future with stunning accuracy as so many in the end-times camp have claimed?

I grew up in the rapture-me-outta-here end times movement, and have spilled no shortage of ink critiquing it– even poking a bit of fun at it. As a theologian I fall into a category of belief that sees biblical prophecies about “the end” as being events that have mostly been fulfilled in the past, but I try to hold that belief gently and recognize I could be wrong.

Many Christians in America have warned me over the years of exactly that, often telling me: “I feel sorry for you, because when the Antichrist comes you’re not even going to recognize him!”

To honor those who have given me such warning, I decided to spend the past week studying the most significant biblical prophecies and descriptions typically believed by my conservative friends to refer the Antichrist. If my evangelical friends are correct, and if it’s entirely possible that the Antichrist is on the global scene today, I certainly wouldn’t want to be the only person in the room who didn’t recognize the Antichrist when I saw him. (Read more)

Coronavirus: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

My mind has been aswirl with various thoughts this week as we’ve been in lockdown for a month now. At least here in Silicon Valley, we can still go for a walk outside. Many places don’t even allow that. Here, they’ve recently added that when you do go out, you must wear a face mask at all times. We no longer know who might be carrying the virus and spreading it to others. And of course, we have large masses of people in Michigan protesting staying inside altogether, which was such a shocker—really, Michigan?! WTF?!

Our beautiful state flower in full bloom

But back to my post. Living in California, I was hearing about how we have food rotting in the fields due to not having workers out there to pick the food. That’s going to trickle-down pretty soon into empty produce aisles at your local supermarket. We also are having shortages in the trucking and shipping industries, which will create shortages of other kinds at stores. This is all so wrong, but it will highlight the main point of this post:

The Bad

The way we “do food” in America is a holdover from WWII. Our factories retooled, and what we have now is making our population fat and unhealthy. If you look at the statistics, you see the trend start in the late fifties and increase through to the eighties when women began to leave the home and go to work outside the home, requiring more and more convenience foods that are easy to ship, easy to store, and easy to cook. It’s this last that has made Americans some of the unhealthiest people in the world. Couple that with the long commute times due to the housing crisis, and increased pollution due to factory waste, distribution networks, and commuting, and you get a picture of a very damaged America.

There were also corporate conglomerations that took place during this same period that made the billionaire class possible, and purchased the Congress we have now. (They own foods and pharmaceuticals, advertising, news and entertainment. Literally, every aspect of American life.) If I were better at statistical analysis and making graphs, that info would be posted right here –> and you’d see what I see, which is a clear picture of America being this well-oiled business machine, designed to consume and to be consumed by its machines of commerce. We no longer park our cars in our garages, because our garages are filled with “stuff”, and we need storage units to store more of our “stuff”, and shopping is our biggest hobby, and every town and city looks the same, due to all the strip malls with all the same stores.

The Good

It’s my hope that through the disruption in our food supply chain we will see the need for our food to be grown sustainably, and that means locally: no more washing of eggs; no more pasteurized milk; no more high-density feedlots. No more corn subsidies. Large agribusiness no longer exists in this country, so we cease the environmentally damaging practices that harm our waterways, groundwater, and air. Food supply is handled at the state and county levels, and it’s assured at those levels commensurate with the population. Which leads me to the housing crisis.

These are the lucky ones. They have tents.

The Ugly

My dudes, we need to fix this. And I don’t know how. Well, perhaps I know how, but I don’t often get much agreement from my local fellows.

There is so much noise out there on this topic, but there seems to be no political will, at least not in Silicon Valley. Here, the actual homeowners keep voting down solutions, worried about their own home values going down. It’s cold, it’s heartless, and it’s cruel. The homeless people aren’t allowed to vote, because they have no address. So they have no say in a matter that affects them so deeply. There needs to be some way that they can be associated with an address, like a soup kitchen, or the County Social Services Agency or something so they can be allowed to vote and be heard.

We also need more affordable housing in general. I’m permanently disabled now, due to my cancer surgery causing an injury that can’t be reversed. It’s called Ani Levator Syndrome. It’s unpleasant. I get a fixed amount each month, and I’m on Medicare. My Medicare premium is taken out of my disability payment before it’s deposited in my bank. In addition to that, I have co-pays and a deductible, of which I wasn’t aware—all of the info I was given literally made it sound like everything was covered except dental. (I desperately need to see a dentist soon. I have at least one tooth that’s getting dangerously close to needing a root canal, and I want to avoid that. I think I have three teeth that require drilling and filling, if not four. It’s been years since I’ve been to the dentist, because it’s so hard on my neck and jaw. I get migraines easily, and lying back in that chair for any length of time is going to be excruciating.)

Plus, since I have no coverage, I’ll be paying cash, and I have no money. I can barely cover my rent now with my disability payment. If I want dental coverage, that would be an additional monthly premium, and additional deductibles and co-pays. On a fixed income. In an area where I can already barely cover my rent.

Now, I’ve always been a bit Bohemian and minimalist, not much of one for collecting “stuff”. I do purges and reorganize my things on a regular basis when I’m feeling like I’m being smothered with too many things. I like order and tidiness. I like my closets and drawers and cabinets to make sense. Not having too many things has also been great because I’ve had to move over and over again. I’ve fully moved around 50 times in my life. I’ve never lived alone, as I’ve never been able to afford an apartment on my own. I have always had roommates in a house or an apartment.

I’ve also had chronic pain most of my life, and my career path has suffered. I’ve lost a lot of jobs due to taking too many sick days. It’s bothered me that my pain wasn’t taken seriously and that I had no legal protections to help me keep these jobs. My reputation also suffered, as I was painted as simply unreliable, and possibly a substance abuser, as opposed to a person who was genuinely ill and struggling.

A bit self-absorbed, are we?

Okay, I’ve made this all about me again, and that wasn’t my intent—my point was to illustrate how much empathy I have for the homeless, as I’ve been very close to their position many times. I lived in my car for a couple of weeks many years ago. I had a full-time job and a bit of money in the bank. It took me a while to find a place to live that I could afford–and this was in 1986. I was making above minimum wage, working full time in Berkeley, and I to had to move to Palmisia in Hayward which still had gang violence. The commute for me each morning and evening was bumper-to-bumper traffic each way. I rented a bedroom out of a house because that’s all I could afford. In 1986.

1986!

Affordable housing in the Bay Area is not a new problem!

The ugly truth is that not enough people care about the lives of the people living on the streets to actually do something for them. They’re seen as misfits to society, drug abusers, users, liars, and thieves. If they are, it’s a reaction to society and the way they’ve been treated. There’s probably a small percentage of them that are incorrigible, but the majority of them are just trying to get by and live as pleasantly as they can. I’ve heard statements such as, “I wish they would go away”, and, “We should give them a bus ticket to someplace else”. Cruel, harsh statements, that take away both the humanity and the agency of the homeless.

Whether we like it or not we are all in this together

We are a society. We are one people. The homeless are a part of this society, and in fact, are a direct result of the way that our society currently functions. It’s our issue to solve, like it or not. Whether it’s through an income tax, a sales tax, a property tax (I like this one), or a combination of all of them, we need to house all of the people in our society. Housing is a basic human right, and leaving these people to suffer is a crime against humanity.

Welp, it’s been close to a month now: how we doin’?

TRIGGER WARNING. I TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH THESE, PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP.

I’m not an expert on the resources available, but I feel it would be irresponsibe for me to discuss this topic without also leaving some kind of link, and this one I’ve heard great things about: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can call them at 800-273-TALK (8255)

The quarantine has had the effect on me of underscoring just how alone I am in the world. I have no connections. Nobody to video chat with. Nobody to check in on or visa versa. My roommates do. But not me.

Sooooooo, I must confess, I struggle with depression. Like, baaad. Like, suicidally bad.

I go to this place where I feel trapped in a world that’s only interested in flimsy, unimportant things, such as gossip and shopping, wealth and sex–and it leaves me cold. Or, people can only talk about casual things, and I don’t know how to have these conversations. I have trouble making meaningful connections with people. I feel like, I’m “a lot” to “deal with”. As if people have to gather themselves together in order to check in on me with a text or a call. I end up feeling unauthentic and shallow, disconnected and lonely.

Then I’m in a place where not only can I not connect, but I am some kind of burden to society, a freak of nature, a huge misfit, unable to be my true self with anyone, anywhere.

It’s at this point where I start to actually “plan”, if you could even call it that. I imagine distancing myself from everyone I know, going far away, being remote–nobody will check in on me for several weeks or months anyway, so it will be easier then.

That’s as far as I ever manage to get. But it does something to me. I can’t say I ever “come back” from these…episodes? I’ve had years of therapy, and it didn’t really help. It sort of helped. It felt like I was paying someone to listen to my problems, since I have no friends. That’s what therapy was for me. It felt lame.

Oh, I have attempted. Twice. The first time, I was 15, and I took a bunch of my mom’s Valium. It probably wouldn’t have killed me, which is actually worse. I got medical attention, was administered ipecac, barfed my guts out, and drank a lot of warm water to flush my system.

The second time, I was 23, and I was serious about it. I won’t go into extreme detail, except to say I took an entire bottle of OTC sleeping pills, which would have done the job. I planned to just slip away in sleepy peacefulness, but for a telephone call I made to a couple of family members to hear their voices one more time. I got the answering machine and left a message.

Here’s where shit got serious: my brother called me back. The phone was right next to my head. Not on a table. On the floor. I slept on a mattress on the floor, and the phone was literally next to my head. The phone rang 5 or 6 times, the answering machine picked up, my brother left a message, and he hung up–and the entire time I was trying to pick up the phone. I was unable to control my body. This scared me shitless. I managed to dial back the number, but by that time, he had already left the house again and I got the machine. In a panic, I just said over and over, “Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone!”

Nope. Too late. I knew I was going to die for realsies and I realized I for realsies didn’t want to die. Not yet, and not in this way.

I went to the ER, where I most willingly drank the ipecac, and gulped down all the water they gave me. When I finally did throw up (they kept asking me what I had taken and how much, and they were skeptical when I told them I took “32 pills”. I knew this, because that’s how many pills the bottle held) a giant ball of stuck-together pills came out with a giant CLANG into the metal dish they had for me. This was, for me, proof positive that I was accurate and not exaggerating. I remember giving the attending nurse a look that said, “See?! I TOLD YOU.”

This experience was truly terrifying for me, and there need not be much concern for me actually doing this awful action of killing myself in the future. But the depression still gets to me and I can’t seem to find a way to escape that particular beast.

Here’s the part where I tell you what I really think of the world and I reveal my belief of reality: we are trapped in a simulation. A game. It’s only partly what you make of it, so some people do get to have a grand old time. But there are people whose paths and life events are already chosen in some way. There are certain tasks one needs to perform, or challenges a person has to face to get to the next level.

I’m stuck on this level, and I can’t seem to figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do. It’s driving me nuts. I need to be more thoughtful about this kind of language: I don’t like that I can’t seem to figure out how to solve this level.

Sadly, this belief has ruined certain things for me, like video games and cosplay, because I’m already fucking doing that. I have this shitty, sickly, avatar, that’s tiny (but kind of cute), with multiple spinal injuries sustained early in life, so I’ve spent nearly my entire time on this mudball in serious fucking pain, and I can’t figure out how to make the world better, because I think(?) that’s my mission, but nobody gives a shit about what I have to say, because I’m too serious, and therefore boring as fuck, and my intensity is apparently too much for most folks.

I can’t help but think that if I were male and/or tall, these traits would be seen as charismatic. They’d be gifts.

But no. I’m just here, looking for the right NPC, or a talking raccoon to follow into the woods for a clue, or something that will help me have that “aha!” moment so I can figure this shit out and get past whatever it is that seems to be blocking me. Right now, I can’t even see it. I can only feel it.

And it suuuuuuucks.

Picture Postcards | Acoustic Version: an Original Song by Auryaun

One of my most recent songs, written in early summer of 2009 (songwriting isn’t a quick process for me) while I was recording “i am me/am i not?”. This track didn’t make it on the album and I’ve wanted to share it with you for some time. I plan to include it on my next release, but in a fuller version. For now, here it is stripped-down for you.

The words are meant to evoke a post-apocalyptic scene to describe loss, heartache and abandonment.

Your picture postcards in your zoetrope…

About being the light in the darkness…

You may have noticed by now that I use this as my tagline, and I’ve done so for a number of years. However, so far none of my posts reflect anything (ha! a pun!) that might be described as such an attitude. This bears explaining, or at least addressing, and it might take me more than one post to do so, because this was a process for me.

First things first

I’m a singer/songwriter, and back in the 2010’s I was working on some ideas for a new solo project. I don’t enjoy performing. I have terrible stage fright. It’s so bad I have something that I call “applause deafness”, but I’m sure there’s some kind of medical title for it. Basically, I can’t tell if an audience is is wildly excited about what I’ve just done, or if a handful of people are idly patting their hands together.

Behold! The Secretary Bird. She has the eyelashes of a queen and the stomping power of an army.

In order to help me, I was creating an on-stage identity, and as part of the whole show, each person who entered the venue would get a little flashlight, and there would be a concert narrative, wherein they’d be instructed to at some point respond to me by lighting, and then holding up their little flashlights, then calling out, “Be the light in the darkness!”

So it was a whole…thing

I’ve held fast to this notion that we need to create more beauty in the world, and that beauty is the only thing that really matters. I used to have a different tagline that reflected this sentiment though I can’t recall the wording exactly. I even have an entire philosophy surrounding the idea that I call Aesthetic Radicalism. I went into it in some detail on my former website, back in the late 2000’s-early 2010’s.

But then there’s life, right?

The fact of the matter is, nobody can maintain “sweetness and light” indefinitely. Humans aren’t wired that way. As my body has degraded, my emotion-work, my Shadow Work, has become more intensified—indeed, perhaps because of these things has my physical deterioration been so intense and rapid over the past decade. I’m not in a place at the moment where I can or want to pretend life isn’t as messy as it is. I speak truth to power as much as possible. I take care of my plant friends. I’m not so good when it comes to nurturing my human friends. I miss having an animal friend.

Which is to say, you’ll be getting me as I come, warts and all.



Hip-Hip, Hooray! What a frustrating day!

This is purely where I’m going to vent my spleen here, so if you’re against such things I suggest you look away now. Like, right now.

I managed to get 2 of my 7 daily Rxs filled. Some of them I don’t quite need yet, as I was getting them all filled on a regular basis, but not always taking them when I was hospitalized over all those many months. So, thankfully, I have a few of the most expensive ones on hand still. But I was still surprised by a $25 total when I’m not supposed to be paying more than $1.30-$3.00 per Rx on the plan I’ve been put on. I used the suggested pharmacy by said plan (and no, they won’t be getting any free advertising from me here). I didn’t argue at the time, as I was already suuuuuper aggravated from struggling with getting various technological aspects of my new online world to play nicely with each other. I can’t spend a lot of time doing this without my body going into a sort of personal lockdown, with either, 1) painful migraines, and/or 2) painful rectal cramping. Hooray!

But, Doctor, I need them!

I wasn’t a happy camper when I had to head over to said pharmacy and was just in a lot of pain, so I grabbed what I needed and headed back home to get a cozy as I could. Luckily, it’s raining today (a strange thing for the SF Bay Area in April, though not unheard of).

Here’re the specifics of what’s paining me tech-wise:

  • I am using WordPress.com to host this blog (obvi)
  • I am using YouTube to host video content
  • I am using IFTTT to have YouTube automatically post new videos to WordPress
  • I am using Anchor.fm to record a bedtime story podcast (I used to use a different tool)
  • I use Feedburner to distribute my podcast to iTunes
  • I am using MailChimp to create and manage a mailing list, with a signup form here on this site (hopefully you’ve already signed up?)
Having a sort of…well, you know. A day.

Here’re the issues I’m running into:

  • Anchor.fm keeps telling me that my feed hasn’t been correctly redistributed, even though Anchor.fm and iTunes both show all of my episodes, as does Feedburner
  • IFTTT recipes have not been posting at all, or if they do, the content has been incomplete, requiring me to create a duplicate, scheduled post in WordPress
  • MailChimp’s tools have been tricky to manage, and they don’t explain the fact that when you indicate you want to create an automated email, you still have to add RSS merge tag fields to your template. Now, why would that be? Surely, if your aim is to create an automated campaign, the templates available should have some kind of pre-populated information and you just jump in and edit them, yes?

But, oh no. No.

So I’m going to sit back and have a glass of wine now. Fuck this noise.

So, two whole weeks have gone by in relative isolation…

I put makeup on for you

I’m doing okay. How are you holding up? I was pretty isolated while going through chemo, and later, when I struggled for 18 months with my small bowel obstruction and had to be hospitalized again, and again. I’ve kind of gotten used to just being in my own head and making it my playground. Plus, I have the internet, and all its joys and diversions.

But most people are much, much more social than I, and I can imagine you’re going a bit stir crazy right now. I actually love being at home and just hanging out, but that’s not what the majority of people enjoy.

I’ve always been this way. Isolated. In my mind-space in some way. Wanting to be more connected, but feeling I need to have the distance from people in order to feel “right” with my energies. Therefore, I have boundless imagination. Nothing is beyond my ken, so far. I mean, I have yet to be introduced to a concept that is totally beyond my ability to conceive it as a reality in any way.

Oh, sure there are some things where I shake my head and say to myself, “Why?!” Like, killing a person for their money. I know it happens all the time, but how can a person love money so much that they can live with themselves after committing such a disgusting act is hard for me to wrap my head around. Maybe that means it will happen to me some day. HA!

But when you start talking about science experiments, metaphysics, things taking place in the weird realm…I am totally down for it all. The more the better.

Let me know in the comments: HOW ARE YOU? I’d really like to know. Just because I’m an introvert, doesn’t mean I don’t care. I care very much. I just lose energy very quickly when I’m around people.

Okay, if Day #4 was on 3/21, that makes today…um, Day #10!

I figured it out, m’kay. Stop looking at me like that.

The Setup

I’ve spent the past week on my computer, playing with all the back-end bits that will make this new little universe I’m creating work in a cohesive fashion. Or at least one can hope.

It involved downloading all of my old videos from my original YouTube site that had multiple copyright strikes due to music mentions (YouTube really cracked down) and there was no way I was going to be able to grow my site from that point onward. It was too small as it was to recover from that.

So I created a new site, a new account, all everything, shiny and new, just like this website. There was searching for an app that would let me mass download entire playlists (that took a day to find), then another day to download everything. Then yet another day to upload everything to the new site.

Then I had to hook everything up, like getting my Feedburner pointing to my correct podcast of reading bedtime stories that I had started back in 2013/2014, and had allowed to languish for quite some time. Oh, and getting my IFTTT pointing to the correct website, feeds, Google Analytics, and all of that stuff.

And then there’s MailChimp. It’s been a few years since I’ve used any of these tools, and they’ve changed just enough to make it difficult to get a new workflow going. I made a huge mistake getting my MailChimp setup.

I wound up feeling like this guy, but without the ab workout.

The Mistake

So, I got back into MailChimp, using my newly-minted email address, and began to build my first “campaign”. Now, I don’t have anything to sell at this point, so I just made the message about welcoming new subscribers, as an acknowledgement for signing up from the popout form I put on this site (which I hope feels normal and not annoying).

Okay, so after a day or so, I had that all set. I thought. Yeah, pretty much.

Then, MailChimp suggested that I, of course, being a normal human being have all manner of contacts already that I should import to my begin to “build my audience”. I had about 30, when I looked through and filtered out all the numbers of service providers and numbers where I know a live human never answers and such. I suddenly realized how many of these I have. Huh.

So I blissfully imported them, and then began to craft a special survey message to send them, the point of which was to ask them if they wanted to join my list, and if so, how often they’d like to hear from me, and if so, how often that might be.

Sounds great, right?

While You Were Out

Then I had to leave the house to get groceries before the supermarket closed for the night. I’d put the finishing touches on it when I got back home and send it out. At the store people were really bad about distancing. It was creepy and annoying. There were many empty shelves. I think we’re going to see more of that in the coming weeks and months, and people might actually start to go hungry just because our distribution channels have been so disrupted.

This is becoming our reality

People aren’t talking enough about this. If nothing else, the COVID19 pandemic should reveal our true weaknesses: our inadequate healthcare and distribution infrastructures. [political rant warning:] Bernie Sanders would do a lot more to correct this from a policy perspective than Joe Biden ever could. Sigh. [/end rant]

Back to The Project

I got home and went back into MailChimp, only to find that I’d automatically sent out the “thanks for subscribing” email out while I was shopping. YOW. That must have been the most confusing and annoying spammy kind of thing…there were a few unsubscribes, but luckily nobody reported me. I paused the campaign immediately, not realizing I’d needed to do that before. D’oh!

At that point, it seemed the best thing to do was to shut down the computer for the night.

Which I didn’t do, until after I had repeatedly tried, unsuccessfully, to connect WordPress to IFTTT, so that when all the YouTube videos I uploaded to my new Channel would also post here. I have a long pipeline programmed, (if it in fact works for me). Fingers crossed!

I was not able to make that connection last night, after trying for well over an hour, and being terribly confused to locate the settings to ascertain whether I did or did not enable 2-step verification. The problem has to do with the multiple dashboards you get now with WordPress.om sites. You get the real dashboard, that looks like what I remember it looking like when I had a self-hosted site. (I don’t have that right now as I’m broke, being disabled), then there’s a second “dashboard lite” you get where the settings you can actually control are, and THEN there’s yet another area where the Theme Customization takes place. So it was hard for me to find those settings, or, once having found them and doing what I needed to do, remembering where they were so I could work with that setting again.

I get migraines if I work on a computer for too long. I also have Ani Levator Syndrome (sometimes called levator ani syndrome), so I have to spend most of my time lying down, preferably on my side. I do as much of this fiddling around as I can on the analogous mobile apps, but they are seriously lacking in functionality. Oh well. I will get that email sent out after-the-fact, and see what happens.

Is this TMI? No? Okay, cool. I was worried.

My apologies to those whom will never read these words. I hope you’re well. You’ll miss out on all the good stuff, too.