Shadow Work for Healing and Integration


11-1-20-vloggy vlog.jpg11-1-20-vloggy vlog.jpg

I’ve uploaded another video where I discuss some of my latest shadow work having to do with my early childhood trauma. This deep and basic wounding has been holding me back my entire life, but it’s taken the death of my mother for me to be able to fully address it—which, sadly, I knew it would.

This is dark work, but it’s incredibly healing and enlightening, as all true shadow work inevitably is. I hope you take the time to watch the video and glean something good from it, as that’s what I intended when I recorded it for you. Buckle up, as it’s a long one. I didn’t want to edit it down this time, even though I was sorely tempted to do so, as all the information is valuable.

I do discuss triggering topics, so there’s that. Also, I go into the topic of suicide, so if you or a loved one is contemplating self harm, please know there’s always the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-TALK. They’re available 24/7, so you are never alone.

Please share your thoughts in the comments, either here or in the video. I always want to hear from you and know how my work is helping you. I also want to encourage you to join me over at my Patreon so you can access my Discord. I’m building a community over there so we can create music, art and togetherness, and also discuss what we have in common, whether it be struggles with shadow work, spirituality, or just the struggles we’re all feeling through COVID and isolation.

As always, I bid you peace and love.

Confronting Death, Dying, Spiritual Cleansing and Update from Phoenix


We all have to face death in our lives at some point. When it comes, you;re never ready.We all have to face death in our lives at some point. When it comes, you;re never ready.

We all have to face death in our lives at some point. When it comes, you;re never ready.

I talk about spending time with my mother as she struggles with her last days. Her decline was much more rapid than any of us expected, and I found myself exhausted and wondering and…numb. I was glad to be there with her as I was denied the opportunity to be there with my father during his final days. Still, it’s always difficult and unexpected. I suspect each time is most likely as unique as each person, and as complex as each relationship.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a parent? Have you been there with them? Has the time enriched your life in any way, or changed you, or did it detract from your life? Let me know in the comments.

Confronting Death, Dying, Spiritual Cleansing and Update from Phoenix

I talk about spending time with my mother as she struggles with her last days. Her decline was much more rapid than any of us expected, and I found myself exhausted and wondering and…numb. I was glad to be there with her as I was denied the opportunity to be there with my father during his final days. Still, it’s always difficult and unexpected. I suspect each time is most likely as unique as each person, and as complex as each relationship.

Have you ever experienced the loss of a parent? Have you been there with them? Has the time enriched your life in any way, or changed you, or did it detract from your life? Let me know in the comments.

Living with C-PTSD is Like Living in Your Own Private Idaho, if by Idaho You Mean Ruining Good Things That Come Your Way


These aren’t alligator tearsThese aren’t alligator tears

These aren’t alligator tears

I’ve decided not to get out of bed today. I’m just wiped out. Too many nights in a row where Mom suddenly needs to crawl out of the bed for some reason, and if I weren’t such a light sleeper, she’d have fallen and broken something by now. That’s the last thing we need.

According to Wikipedia, C-PTSD, (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome) isn’t currently recognized by the DSM-V, which is super helpful. The page does explain how C-PTSD is distinct from PTSD, in that PTSD is generally connected to a specific triggering event, whereas C-PTSD is connected to numerous and varied events, like ongoing childhood abuse one would find in an alcoholic household—as an example. An important quote from the page states that, “Some researchers believe that C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, PTSD, somatization disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and borderline personality disorder.[6] Its main distinctions are a distortion of the person’s core identity and significant emotional dysregulation.”

In my case, I grew up in an unsafe environment that did involve alcohol, but not always.

There is a history of undiagnosed mental illness on both sides of my family, including depression, and probably bipolar disorder. Most days, my brothers and I never knew what would trigger an event. It could be something as insignificant as a stain on the kitchen counter that had been missed when we did our chores that afternoon, noticed upon our parents’ return home from work around 5:20 PM, that would escalate far into the evening, leaving everyone emotionally drained around 11:00 PM. Declarations of wanting to divorce the entire family would have been made at some point (by my mother), that we all had ruined her life, were making her miserable, and there would be so much incoherent yelling. Things that had been said months ago perhaps in passing would be brought up as accusations and proof of our hatred, or of our lack of moral fiber, and it would all end with everyone in tears, that we would each retreat to our separate rooms to sob and wonder. Nobody would have eaten. Homework would have been left undone.


Feeling this way at the end of 3 out of 7 days of the week was the normFeeling this way at the end of 3 out of 7 days of the week was the norm

Feeling this way at the end of 3 out of 7 days of the week was the norm

The majority of the time it was between me and my mother that these events took place, but others would be circled in should they try to defend or cry foul. Too often I’d be left on my own as it would be difficult to face the inevitable onslaught should they try, and thus they’d stay quiet in their rooms.

At these times, I’d feel the outrage and injustice on my own and destroy my bedroom, flinging the drawers from my dresser across the room and crashing items from my bookcase, pulling the bedding from my bed, and then sit in the mess, sobbing. Eventually, my father would come in to lecture me about how I must control myself to keep the peace in the house. How it was up to me to not trigger these events, because I knew how she could be; I understood how she could get in these moods. It was all up to me to make the family work smoothly.

It was my fault when it all fell apart.

I recall a specific incident before The Twins were born when my brother and I were trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table before Tante (my mother’s best friend who lived in The City) came over for dinner that night. We were already dressed for the event, and our mother was trying to vacuum the living room. We were in the way, but we were concentrating on the puzzle. We kept moving around the coffee table as we worked, thinking that we were getting enough out of her way, but apparently it wasn’t good enough for her. Our father had left the house in the family car to get some wine and dinner rolls in town, as we lived in a new development outside of town.

Mom lost it.

She started running into us with the vacuum to get us out of the way. The coffee table wasn’t substantial, being one of those “Danish-modern” styles, and she banged that around too, sending our puzzle flying, and running over pieces with the vacuum. We were terrified, and squealed and ran to the corner of the room, clinging to each other in fear.

She put up the vacuum, stomped to the master bedroom, packed a suitcase, and left the house.

To this day, I have no idea how long she was gone, or what, exactly, happened next. I think Tante came soon after, as the door was left open and we were huddled together, crying? Then my Dad came and then left, looking for my Mom, while Tante tended to us and tried to soothe us.

For a long time afterward, I remember my brother having incredible anxiety any time my parents left us alone in the car to go grocery shopping, or to run any kind of errand. This was back in the sixties, when it was common to leave the kids in the car unattended. He would always sob in terror when they would leave, and his terror would trigger mine, and we would both cry as we saw them walking away, despite them reassuring us that they’d be back soon. As such things go, I’d say this was the mildest part of what we went through, and after a few minutes, we’d make up some kind of game to amuse ourselves while they were gone.

[EDIT] My brother just stopped by to check in with me and Mom, and reminded me of another time when this happened, same circumstance, different people coming over (my Godfather and his wife), only this time Mom hopped on a bus and went all the way to Sacramento, and Dad had to spend several hours driving all the way up there to track her down and bring her back. Yikes. I’d blocked this one out. I need to point out that I’m barely three years older than The Twins, so this is very early abandonment trauma.


Goodbye Mother. Goodbye Father.Goodbye Mother. Goodbye Father.

Goodbye Mother. Goodbye Father.

There was a lot of playing us off of each other while growing up. By my mother. Playing favorites. There was a definite hierarchy of beloved-ness in our family, and I was lowest on that totem pole.

My father, on the other hand, was inaccessible and remote. I have some vague early memories of sexual abuse before The Twins were born.

So I guess I ask the world to forgive me if my thinking is off sometimes. I’m entrained to not trust what I see. I’m entrained to not believe what I hear. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because these games my Mom has played with the family didn’t end when my father shot himself in the garage in 1995.

They didn’t end when she abruptly sold the family home and moved to Phoenix in 1999.

I went through cancer treatment without the support of my mother, because she didn’t believe I had cancer at first. She thought I had made it up for attention. So I stopped speaking to her for a couple of years because I just couldn’t deal with that. And that certainly wasn’t the first time I had stopped speaking to her since moving out of the family home.

And now? Now, I sit with her at an in-patient care center, while she sleeps on the verge of a kidney-failure coma, near death, and I write what many would consider to be horrible things to write about one’s mother when one’s mother is about to die. There’s no good time to write these things. Since my cancer, I’ve decided I need to be more blunt. It’s not pretty, and it’s not nice, but it’s the truth. I’m just telling the truth. It’s the only virtue I have. It’s the only virtue that matters, when it comes to dealing with humans. Humans are very, very good at avoiding the truth.


Speaking ill of the almost dead? How dare I!Speaking ill of the almost dead? How dare I!

Speaking ill of the almost dead? How dare I!

But as for me being the person that is here, by her bedside? I hold no actual grudge toward her. She is a damaged person, who has never confronted her fears and wounds. I think she is doing so now, in her sleep; in her dreams, before she slips away. I’m holding space for her to do that and keeping her body safe while she does so. It should be me who’s here to do that. I know my damage. I know what’s there, for the most part. I’m aware that I’m a work in progress.

I do pretty well, as long as I don’t try to do romance—that area of my life is one jumbled, fucked-up trash heap that I’m still working on. It would take a Saint’s patience to get me through to the other side.

But I do fine on my own, so I think I’ll just fly solo from here on out.

Living with C-PTSD is Like Living in Your Own Private Idaho, if by Idaho You Mean Ruining Good Things That Come Your Way

I’ve decided not to get out of bed today. I’m just wiped out. Too many nights in a row where Mom suddenly needs to crawl out of the bed for some reason, and if I weren’t such a light sleeper, she’d have fallen and broken something by now. That’s the last thing we need.

According to Wikipedia, C-PTSD, (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome) isn’t currently recognized by the DSM-V, which is super helpful. The page does explain how C-PTSD is distinct from PTSD, in that PTSD is generally connected to a specific triggering event, whereas C-PTSD is connected to numerous and varied events, like ongoing childhood abuse one would find in an alcoholic household—as an example. An important quote from the page states that, “Some researchers believe that C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, PTSD, somatization disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and borderline personality disorder.[6] Its main distinctions are a distortion of the person’s core identity and significant emotional dysregulation.”

In my case, I grew up in an unsafe environment that did involve alcohol, but not always.

There is a history of undiagnosed mental illness on both sides of my family, including depression, and probably bipolar disorder. Most days, my brothers and I never knew what would trigger an event. It could be something as insignificant as a stain on the kitchen counter that had been missed when we did our chores that afternoon, noticed upon our parents’ return home from work around 5:20 PM, that would escalate far into the evening, leaving everyone emotionally drained around 11:00 PM. Declarations of wanting to divorce the entire family would have been made at some point (by my mother), that we all had ruined her life, were making her miserable, and there would be so much incoherent yelling. Things that had been said months ago perhaps in passing would be brought up as accusations and proof of our hatred, or of our lack of moral fiber, and it would all end with everyone in tears, that we would each retreat to our separate rooms to sob and wonder. Nobody would have eaten. Homework would have been left undone.

Feeling this way at the end of 3 out of 7 days of the week was the norm

The majority of the time it was between me and my mother that these events took place, but others would be circled in should they try to defend or cry foul. Too often I’d be left on my own as it would be difficult to face the inevitable onslaught should they try, and thus they’d stay quiet in their rooms.

At these times, I’d feel the outrage and injustice on my own and destroy my bedroom, flinging the drawers from my dresser across the room and crashing items from my bookcase, pulling the bedding from my bed, and then sit in the mess, sobbing. Eventually, my father would come in to lecture me about how I must control myself to keep the peace in the house. How it was up to me to not trigger these events, because I knew how she could be; I understood how she could get in these moods. It was all up to me to make the family work smoothly.

It was my fault when it all fell apart.

I recall a specific incident before The Twins were born when my brother and I were trying to finish a jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table before Tante (my mother’s best friend who lived in The City) came over for dinner that night. We were already dressed for the event, and our mother was trying to vacuum the living room. We were in the way, but we were concentrating on the puzzle. We kept moving around the coffee table as we worked, thinking that we were getting enough out of her way, but apparently it wasn’t good enough for her. Our father had left the house in the family car to get some wine and dinner rolls in town, as we lived in a new development outside of town.

Mom lost it.

She started running into us with the vacuum to get us out of the way. The coffee table wasn’t substantial, being one of those “Danish-modern” styles, and she banged that around too, sending our puzzle flying, and running over pieces with the vacuum. We were terrified, and squealed and ran to the corner of the room, clinging to each other in fear.

She put up the vacuum, stomped to the master bedroom, packed a suitcase, and left the house.
To this day, I have no idea how long she was gone, or what, exactly, happened next. I think Tante came soon after, as the door was left open and we were huddled together, crying? Then my Dad came and then left, looking for my Mom, while Tante tended to us and tried to soothe us.

For a long time afterward, I remember my brother having incredible anxiety any time my parents left us alone in the car to go grocery shopping, or to run any kind of errand. This was back in the sixties, when it was common to leave the kids in the car unattended. He would always sob in terror when they would leave, and his terror would trigger mine, and we would both cry as we saw them walking away, despite them reassuring us that they’d be back soon. As such things go, I’d say this was the mildest part of what we went through, and after a few minutes, we’d make up some kind of game to amuse ourselves while they were gone.

[EDIT] My brother just stopped by to check in with me and Mom, and reminded me of another time when this happened, same circumstance, different people coming over (my Godfather and his wife), only this time Mom hopped on a bus and went all the way to Sacramento, and Dad had to spend several hours driving all the way up there to track her down and bring her back. Yikes. I’d blocked this one out. I need to point out that I’m barely three years older than The Twins, so this is very early abandonment trauma.

Goodbye Mother. Goodbye Father.

There was a lot of playing us off of each other while growing up. By my mother. Playing favorites. There was a definite hierarchy of beloved-ness in our family, and I was lowest on that totem pole.

My father, on the other hand, was inaccessible and remote. I have some vague early memories of sexual abuse before The Twins were born.

So I guess I ask the world to forgive me if my thinking is off sometimes. I’m entrained to not trust what I see. I’m entrained to not believe what I hear. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because these games my Mom has played with the family didn’t end when my father shot himself in the garage in 1995.

They didn’t end when she abruptly sold the family home and moved to Phoenix in 1999.

I went through cancer treatment without the support of my mother, because she didn’t believe I had cancer at first. She thought I had made it up for attention. So I stopped speaking to her for a couple of years because I just couldn’t deal with that. And that certainly wasn’t the first time I had stopped speaking to her since moving out of the family home.

And now? Now, I sit with her at an in-patient care center, while she sleeps on the verge of a kidney-failure coma, near death, and I write what many would consider to be horrible things to write about one’s mother when one’s mother is about to die. There’s no good time to write these things. Since my cancer, I’ve decided I need to be more blunt. It’s not pretty, and it’s not nice, but it’s the truth. I’m just telling the truth. It’s the only virtue I have. It’s the only virtue that matters, when it comes to dealing with humans. Humans are very, very good at avoiding the truth.

Speaking ill of the almost dead? How dare I!

But as for me being the person that is here, by her bedside? I hold no actual grudge toward her. She is a damaged person, who has never confronted her fears and wounds. I think she is doing so now, in her sleep; in her dreams, before she slips away. I’m holding space for her to do that and keeping her body safe while she does so. It should be me who’s here to do that. I know my damage. I know what’s there, for the most part. I’m aware that I’m a work in progress.

I do pretty well, as long as I don’t try to do romance—that area of my life is one jumbled, fucked-up trash heap that I’m still working on. It would take a Saint’s patience to get me through to the other side.

But I do fine on my own, so I think I’ll just fly solo from here on out.

Why Do I Do This?!


The concept album is a long-held tradition among musiciansThe concept album is a long-held tradition among musicians

The concept album is a long-held tradition among musicians

Bringing to you another video, this time in 4k. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything anywhere, but I’ve hardly been idle. There have been many and sundry little things taking my attention away, and in this video I chat about what’s been occupying my time. Like writing new songs, for example. I realize I just put out an album (that was long past its due date) and I’m supposed to only be focused on talking about that, but I’m not a conventional artist in any sense of the word. “Swallow” was conceived in 1995 as an album that would explore five different sides of a woman’s personality, with “Swallow” being the main character, and the one who has had to swallow her feelings and circumstances in order to survive. Clearly, that’s not the album I ended up making.

Experimenting with clickbaity titles is fun

Nor is am i me/am i not?, though I suppose in a way I came slightly closer.

As a point of curiosity, it seems that Tori Amos made that album, in a way, when she put out American Doll Posse, an album that put me off entirely for years due to the artwork and the fact that it seemed like Ms. Amos simply wanted an excuse to wear as many different wigs as she could to disguise the fact that she was losing her hair. It had finally become noticeable on To Venus and Back, which is why, I think, she had wigged artwork for Strange Little Girls, which I thought was a great album of covers. In fact, I only picked American Doll Posse up a couple of months ago after hearing Bouncing Off Clouds on The Graham Norton Show on YouTube. It’s a solid album. I don’t think it needed the concept. I think it was a ruse to hide her hair loss. It happens to women just as it does to men, and it’s horrible and embarrassing. She probably had to have a scalp reduction surgery that took years to heal, and that’s probably why there are so many fans that say she looks different now. Her eyebrows have literally moved. Please don’t hate on me for this: I adore her work.

Yikes, I’ve hung myself out to dry now. Um…moving right along.

All of the material from Swallow had been written between 2010 and 2012, and was pretty much complete by 2013. At that point, life circumstances became too pressing for me to move forward on the album and it had to wait. The release itself has been quiet, though I’ve gotten great feedback, and I’m pleased with its performance thus far. Having not written any music since 2012 and getting back into after all these years feels exhilarating.

Oh, and I chat with a sparrow for a moment. In the video, I zoom in close so you can see her clearly, but I realize that some folks might think I spliced that Very Mary Poppins moment in. Sadly, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I imported the video directly from Quicktime to Premiere Rush without saving a copy, and once it’s rendered in Premiere Rush, it becomes uneditable.

I’ll think about saving a source copy next time. It’s not like I don’t have a terabyte of cloud storage or anything.

Two things of note here are that I’m now on Patreon, the address is (predictably) https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I originally had Tiers there for both music supporters and tarot readings, but the way Patreon works made it too difficult. You can only offer either Tiers that are paid monthly, or “per creation”. I don’t see how I could satisfy my music fans in this way, plus I’m giving access to my Discord server, and how would that make sense? So I removed the tarot reading portion from my Patreon and only have monthly music fan subscriptions available that come with access to Discord, early access to new tracks, special swag, and more things as they happen.

For the tarot fans, I’ll be offering readings through a different avenue and most likely will use PayPal. In this video, I offer my first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel to a free, single card reading, just for becoming a sub of my Channel and liking the video. Then, all you have to do is DM me your question. Super simple!

If it goes really well I might extend it to more subscribers. I’ll be setting up a page (probably here) for tarot readings. I know I can help a lot of people with my readings, as I’ve been doing them for so long. I’m excited to get going with these.

Why Do I Do This?!

Bringing to you another video, this time in 4k. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything anywhere, but I’ve hardly been idle. There have been many and sundry little things taking my attention away, and in this video I chat about what’s been occupying my time. Like writing new songs, for example. I realize I just put out an album (that was long past its due date) and I’m supposed to only be focused on talking about that, but I’m not a conventional artist in any sense of the word. “Swallow” was conceived in 1995 as an album that would explore five different sides of a woman’s personality, with “Swallow” being the main character, and the one who has had to swallow her feelings and circumstances in order to survive. Clearly, that’s not the album I ended up making.

Experimenting with clickbaity titles is fun

Nor is am i me/am i not?, though I suppose in a way I came slightly closer.

As a point of curiosity, it seems that Tori Amos made that album, in a way, when she put out American Doll Posse, an album that put me off entirely for years due to the artwork and the fact that it seemed like Ms. Amos simply wanted an excuse to wear as many different wigs as she could to disguise the fact that she was losing her hair. It had finally become noticeable on To Venus and Back, which is why, I think, she had wigged artwork for Strange Little Girls, which I thought was a great album of covers. In fact, I only picked American Doll Posse up a couple of months ago after hearing Bouncing Off Clouds on The Graham Norton Show on YouTube. It’s a solid album. I don’t think it needed the concept. I think it was a ruse to hide her hair loss. It happens to women just as it does to men, and it’s horrible and embarrassing. She probably had to have a scalp reduction surgery that took years to heal, and that’s probably why there are so many fans that say she looks different now. Her eyebrows have literally moved. Please don’t hate on me for this: I adore her work.

Yikes, I’ve hung myself out to dry now. Um…moving right along.

All of the material from Swallow had been written between 2010 and 2012, and was pretty much complete by 2013. At that point, life circumstances became too pressing for me to move forward on the album and it had to wait. The release itself has been quiet, though I’ve gotten great feedback, and I’m pleased with its performance thus far. Having not written any music since 2012 and getting back into after all these years feels exhilarating.

Oh, and I chat with a sparrow for a moment. In the video, I zoom in close so you can see her clearly, but I realize that some folks might think I spliced that Very Mary Poppins moment in. Sadly, you’ll just have to take my word for it, because I imported the video directly from Quicktime to Premiere Rush without saving a copy, and once it’s rendered in Premiere Rush, it becomes uneditable.

I’ll think about saving a source copy next time. It’s not like I don’t have a terabyte of cloud storage or anything.

Two things of note here are that I’m now on Patreon, the address is (predictably) https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I originally had Tiers there for both music supporters and tarot readings, but the way Patreon works made it too difficult. You can only offer either Tiers that are paid monthly, or “per creation”. I don’t see how I could satisfy my music fans in this way, plus I’m giving access to my Discord server, and how would that make sense? So I removed the tarot reading portion from my Patreon and only have monthly music fan subscriptions available that come with access to Discord, early access to new tracks, special swag, and more things as they happen.

For the tarot fans, I’ll be offering readings through a different avenue and most likely will use PayPal. In this video, I offer my first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel to a free, single card reading, just for becoming a sub of my Channel and liking the video. Then, all you have to do is DM me your question. Super simple!

If it goes really well I might extend it to more subscribers. I’ll be setting up a page (probably here) for tarot readings. I know I can help a lot of people with my readings, as I’ve been doing them for so long. I’m excited to get going with these.

Tarot Tuesday Week of July 21, 2020 | Codename: The Tower


I totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this weekI totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

This week’s video carries a warning and time-sensitive info

This week’s reading takes us in a dark and unpleasant direction, but we can get through it if we stay strong and remember that we are a democracy. I’ve included the URLs to find your Senator and Representative in order to make call after call to direct them to assist YOU, since they are there to work for YOU and not the other way around.

Here are the URLs I give you in the video:
To find your Senator go to https://www.senate.gov/senators/index.htm
To find your Representative go to https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative

I also have started a Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I’m offering a few Tiers of readings there, but as I’ve mentioned in the video, I’m waiving fees for Single Card readings for the first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel. All you need to do is go to my YouTube Channel, Like this video, and Subscribe to my Channel. Then DM me your question and I’ll DM you a reply of your reading If this takes off, I might extend this offer.

As always, I wish you peace and love.

Tarot Tuesday Week of July 21, 2020 | Codename: The Tower

This week’s video carries a warning and time-sensitive info

This week’s reading takes us in a dark and unpleasant direction, but we can get through it if we stay strong and remember that we are a democracy. I’ve included the URLs to find your Senator and Representative in order to make call after call to direct them to assist YOU, since they are there to work for YOU and not the other way around.

Here are the URLs I give you in the video:
To find your Senator go to https://www.senate.gov/senators/index.htm
To find your Representative go to https://www.house.gov/representatives/find-your-representative

I also have started a Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/auryaun. I’m offering a few Tiers of readings there, but as I’ve mentioned in the video, I’m waiving fees for Single Card readings for the first 150 Subscribers to my YouTube Channel. All you need to do is go to my YouTube Channel, Like this video, and Subscribe to my Channel. Then DM me your question and I’ll DM you a reply of your reading If this takes off, I might extend this offer.

As always, I wish you peace and love.

“We Are Made In God’s Image”


Irrefutable logicIrrefutable logic

Irrefutable logic

Fascinating argument (and much more articulate than I could ever make) about how God actually exists and relates to us. Courtesy Tiger Dragon Storm via TikTok.

“We Are Made In God’s Image”

Irrefutable logic

Fascinating argument (and much more articulate than I could ever make) about how God actually exists and relates to us. Courtesy Tiger Dragon Storm via TikTok.

Getting Metaphysical, Unit One: How the Universe Works


martin_john_great_day_of_his_wrath.jpgmartin_john_great_day_of_his_wrath.jpg

I’ve wanted to start this series for some time, but there was always something that pulled me away. In fact, I’ve also run into heaps of trouble just uploading this video. It’s been very strange though not unexpected given the subject matter. Some things don’t wish to be known or discussed. Please don’t hesitate to ask me questions about this material—it can be daunting to understand if you’re a novice just starting out.

Getting Metaphysical, Unit One: How the Universe Works

I’ve wanted to start this series for some time, but there was always something that pulled me away. In fact, I’ve also run into heaps of trouble just uploading this video. It’s been very strange though not unexpected given the subject matter. Some things don’t wish to be known or discussed. Please don’t hesitate to ask me questions about this material—it can be daunting to understand if you’re a novice just starting out.

Tarot Tuesday Week of June 23, 2020


I totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this weekI totally forgot to post this one, and it's really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

I totally forgot to post this one, and it’s really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

An utter lack of discipline followed my strange week of pain, apparently, and my workflow fell apart. Ah, well. Hopefully, you’re also subscribed to my YouTube Channel (and if you’re not, you should be).

This reading was focused and powerful, as well as really positive. I see good things coming our way—

Suspiciously Arreligious People


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I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

There’s a certain manner, a certain niceness, and yet a specific insistence that they do not believe in any sort of spirit/beyond/God principle/scripture, regardless of whether or not they experienced any sort of religious upbringing or had done any kind of spiritual searching themselves at any point of time in their lives.

There are a few YouTubers I can think of, in particular in the home cleaning/home decorating/meal prepping space that come to mind. These are usually women, but not always—there are a few men, but in these instances, they’re more likely to be auto detailing than home cleaning videos. Meal prepping could go either way.

There’s an utter wholesomeness to these videos, which is part of the appeal for me, quite frankly. And yet, they are suspiciously devoid of any religious artifacts in the background, no casual religious magazines or books lying on the coffee table that might catch the eye. No, the makers of these videos want to ensure the widest possible appeal, and I can’t say I blame them. But their sweet demeanor surely is their tell.

It must be. Nobody is that nice and sweet just because these days.

Are they?

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Tarot Tuesday Week of June 23, 2020

I totally forgot to post this one, and it’s really good too! Yikees, my workflow fell apart this week

An utter lack of discipline followed my strange week of pain, apparently, and my workflow fell apart. Ah, well. Hopefully, you’re also subscribed to my YouTube Channel (and if you’re not, you should be).

This reading was focused and powerful, as well as really positive. I see good things coming our way—

Suspiciously Arreligious People

I know them well, and can spot them from a mile away. I know them, because I AM one.

There’s a certain manner, a certain niceness, and yet a specific insistence that they do not believe in any sort of spirit/beyond/God principle/scripture, regardless of whether or not they experienced any sort of religious upbringing or had done any kind of spiritual searching themselves at any point of time in their lives.

There are a few YouTubers I can think of, in particular in the home cleaning/home decorating/meal prepping space that come to mind. These are usually women, but not always—there are a few men, but in these instances, they’re more likely to be auto detailing than home cleaning videos. Meal prepping could go either way.

There’s an utter wholesomeness to these videos, which is part of the appeal for me, quite frankly. And yet, they are suspiciously devoid of any religious artifacts in the background, no casual religious magazines or books lying on the coffee table that might catch the eye. No, the makers of these videos want to ensure the widest possible appeal, and I can’t say I blame them. But their sweet demeanor surely is their tell.

It must be. Nobody is that nice and sweet just because these days.

Are they?

My Strange Week of Pain


pexels-photo-3807730.jpegpexels-photo-3807730.jpeg


I'll put it on my calendarI'll put it on my calendar

I’ll put it on my calendar

I’ve had this pattern ever since my cancer surgery back in the summer of 2017, where I get this terrible cramping that intensifies over the course of about 10 days, to the point where I’m really suffering and can’t stand the act of sitting up—until I can barely stay off the toilet for a day or two. In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I had colorectal cancer, and my tumor was at the very base of my sigmoid colon. That’s where the cramping is focused, but it emanates outward from there, and ends up involving my entire abdomen. The build-up to the last day is excruciating, as if I had some kind of mondo-awful food poisoning, but then it starts to fade back and become manageable.

Opioids don’t help, as I seem to have the kind of metabolism that’s resistant to such drugs and am only susceptible to The Strongest One: Dilaudid. And taking it orally doesn’t do nearly as much as taking it via IV at the hospital, so I just don’t bother. All the various kinds of norco, oxy, and morphine I’ve tried just do zilch, and it’s just as well. There’s nothing sadder than a middle-aged junkie.


It's called "practicing" medicine for a reasonIt's called "practicing" medicine for a reason

It’s called “practicing” medicine for a reason

So instead, my pharmacology has focused on drugs to try and control the spasming: various anti-siezure medications, muscle relaxant, along with the anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety meds to help me with my other issues that may or may not be related to my misadventures with cancer and cancer treatment+its aftermath.

Nothing seems to have worked that well. The majority of it is about powering through as best I can, and since I really can’t that well, I’m officially disabled for the rest of my life. Boo. Even this, I had to fight the Social Security Administration over for nearly 3 years.

It’s both a relief and a drag.

My Strange Week of Pain

I’ll put it on my calendar

I’ve had this pattern ever since my cancer surgery back in the summer of 2017, where I get this terrible cramping that intensifies over the course of about 10 days, to the point where I’m really suffering and can’t stand the act of sitting up—until I can barely stay off the toilet for a day or two. In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I had colorectal cancer, and my tumor was at the very base of my sigmoid colon. That’s where the cramping is focused, but it emanates outward from there, and ends up involving my entire abdomen. The build-up to the last day is excruciating, as if I had some kind of mondo-awful food poisoning, but then it starts to fade back and become manageable.

Opioids don’t help, as I seem to have the kind of metabolism that’s resistant to such drugs and am only susceptible to The Strongest One: Dilaudid. And taking it orally doesn’t do nearly as much as taking it via IV at the hospital, so I just don’t bother. All the various kinds of norco, oxy, and morphine I’ve tried just do zilch, and it’s just as well. There’s nothing sadder than a middle-aged junkie.

It’s called “practicing” medicine for a reason

So instead, my pharmacology has focused on drugs to try and control the spasming: various anti-siezure medications, muscle relaxant, along with the anti-depressants and an anti-anxiety meds to help me with my other issues that may or may not be related to my misadventures with cancer and cancer treatment+its aftermath.

Nothing seems to have worked that well. The majority of it is about powering through as best I can, and since I really can’t that well, I’m officially disabled for the rest of my life. Boo. Even this, I had to fight the Social Security Administration over for nearly 3 years.

It’s both a relief and a drag.

Tarot Tuesday: Week of June 16, 2020

Hello Bandmates! I do a simple 3-card reading again this week for you from my beloved Thoth deck to get a sense of what the upcoming week might hold for us.

Hope you’re all staying safe and well! Bright blessings and much love to you all!

Here Are Some Good Things In My Life

I’ve been trying to write this post since I wrote the last one! Ugh. I took a video of a few places around my home to show you my bird feeders and a bit of my gardening, but then the videos took forever to upload.

Here’s a short video I took of inside my house, just to show you where I spend the majority of my time. I’m a huge homebody, having both clinical depression and general anxiety disorder, and some things that help me from spinning out are doing little things around my house to keep it in order, along with cooking and care-taking.

A Tour of My Home

Take a peek at my little slice of paradise

The plants and the birds are my friends. I look out for them and look after them. I happen to believe all creatures are sentient and aware of what it means to be alive, and my belief extends to the plant world.

And check out my flowers!

I let the main bird feeder in the back patio go empty for half a day, and yesterday morning there were two red-headed finches, a male and female, on the top of one of the front door wreaths, peeking into the living room, as if to say, “Hey, we see you in there. Can you help us out?” My brother thought they might be looking to nest, and that’s a possibility also—though I think it might be rather late in the season for that. I also think my way of looking at it is much more fun.

Oh, and there’s a hummingbird feeder…or five

Thoughts on The World

As you can see, I don’t just sit around and do nothing but complain all the time. I was trying to explain my viewpoint to my daughter, who gets frustrated with me every time it seems I’m passing judgement on a person or expressing distaste for a situation.

I’m a social anarchist. In my ideal world, if I were made President, my first act would be to abolish all laws. I’m far left of Bernie Sanders. I’m left of Ghandi, for cryin’ out loud!

Naturally, I’m also a realist, and recognize that there is both selfishness and stupidity in our populace, along with a healthy dose of insanity, so this wouldn’t work. Therein lies my frustration with this world and the people within it. Any criticisms I spew and subsequent depression or anxiety about this world or life in general stem from this disconnect.

She seemed to kind of get it after I explained it in this way. My most fervent wish for the world is that it could be more cooperative, balanced, and understanding—I include all living things in this testament. But there are simply limits to this at this point in time. Perhaps mankind will end up eating itself at some point. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.

Tarot Tuesday: Week of May 5, 2020

A simple 3-card spread for you this week to highlight the main areas of focus.
Card 1: the main focus for this week
Card 2: the main issue or blockage this week
Card 3: the main gift for this week

This was a very beautiful reading for me to give, and very fulfilling, so please let me know if it helped you or what you thought of it in the comments.

Tarot Tuesday: Week of April 28, 2020

Join me as I lay out a Celtic Cross for us all to see what the upcoming week might hold. This is the first of what will be a regular feature on my YouTube Channel, so you’ll want to subscribe to keep abreast of my readings over there. Next week, I plan to do it live, and you won’t want to miss that one! I’ll also work in subscriber questions in the future.

Hope you’re all staying safe and well! Bright blessings and much love to you all!

COULD AMERICAN EVANGELICALS SPOT THE ANTICHRIST?

BLC is an author, speaker, scholar, and global traveler, who holds graduate degrees in Theology & Intercultural Studies from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and received his doctorate in Intercultural Studies from Fuller. He is the author of Undiluted: Rediscovering the Radical Message of Jesus, and Unafraid: Moving Beyond Fear-Based Faith.

I came across a blog post that discussed an interesting, modern take on the Book of Revelations, and more specifically, whether American Evangelicals could spot the AntiChrist. I found the information very intriguing, so please check out his article.

Could American Evangelicals Spot the Antichrist? Here Are the Biblical Predictions by Benjamin L. Corey

Does the Bible predict the future with stunning accuracy as so many in the end-times camp have claimed?

I grew up in the rapture-me-outta-here end times movement, and have spilled no shortage of ink critiquing it– even poking a bit of fun at it. As a theologian I fall into a category of belief that sees biblical prophecies about “the end” as being events that have mostly been fulfilled in the past, but I try to hold that belief gently and recognize I could be wrong.

Many Christians in America have warned me over the years of exactly that, often telling me: “I feel sorry for you, because when the Antichrist comes you’re not even going to recognize him!”

To honor those who have given me such warning, I decided to spend the past week studying the most significant biblical prophecies and descriptions typically believed by my conservative friends to refer the Antichrist. If my evangelical friends are correct, and if it’s entirely possible that the Antichrist is on the global scene today, I certainly wouldn’t want to be the only person in the room who didn’t recognize the Antichrist when I saw him. (Read more)