I suppose some of this could be self-imposed, but I also know much of it comes from the fact that people don’t like my bluntness. People turn away from my flavor of “authenticity”, which I put in quotes, because being authentic has become such a big thing lately, but my authentic self apparently isn’t what the folks I’m connected to seem to want. I’ve also seen that many people I was connected to on Facebook tuned me out when I was going through cancer treatment (and the struggles with SBO after) as I had to keep posting my GoFundMe just to keep myself from being homeless. While I did get State Disability benefits, they were only enough to pay for utilities, and they ran out after a few months since I’d been doing 1099 work for so many years. I didn’t get any Federal Disability until February of this year.
I felt like a tool, having to fund raise from my hospital bed, but I had no choice. I can tell this had an effect on my Facebook friends, due to the fall in my interactions. Few people see my posts, and fewer have a response of some kind. Therefore, I deleted the app a few years ago, and I only ever go to Facebook using the web version, and that not very often. If you see anything from me, it’s because I’ve cross-posted from another app. My expectations are low as far as engagements go. If you’d like to get in touch with me the best way is via my website or Twitter. I’ve deleted Instagram, too, so I won’t get your DM there either.
While I take ownership of the outcome of what happened overall I don’t take ownership of the individuals involved and their desire to either disconnect or tune me out. Their inability to handle a person in real pain is a sign of their lack of maturity. If anything, I’m responsible for having shallow friends. I’ve yelled about my resentment over this for some time now, and I’ve decided to (mostly) be done with this, save for the fact that I’m still going through some heavy shit and I’m still alone.
So consider this my transition piece: you, the reader, real or imagined, are my friend. There! I’m officially no longer alone! I’m feeling better already.
This will still be my place to journal all of my thoughts and feelings, but I’ll stop complaining about friends. Deal? Deal.